Murph Posted May 22, 2017 Share Posted May 22, 2017 I have a friend who lost his job at the orange juice factory. He just couldn't concentrate. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murph Posted May 22, 2017 Author Share Posted May 22, 2017 I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murph Posted May 22, 2017 Author Share Posted May 22, 2017 A friend of mine was flirting with a waitress in a local sports bar. He decided to ask her out, and she said, "You need to know I'm not a virgin, but I've only made love twice. Once with the Dallas Cowboys, and once with the Marine Corp Marching band." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murph Posted May 22, 2017 Author Share Posted May 22, 2017 If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blindboygrunt Posted May 22, 2017 Share Posted May 22, 2017 HURRAH !! good to see you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murph Posted May 22, 2017 Author Share Posted May 22, 2017 "He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." -Winston Churchill "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." - Clarence Darrow "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West "He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murph Posted May 22, 2017 Author Share Posted May 22, 2017 My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murph Posted May 22, 2017 Author Share Posted May 22, 2017 Friend of mine told his kids if there's music coming from the ice cream truck that means it's empty and they are going to get it refilled. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rct Posted May 22, 2017 Share Posted May 22, 2017 Oh crap that last one had me actually lol'n. rct Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fortyearspickn Posted May 22, 2017 Share Posted May 22, 2017 Time to go back home for some new skivies. Can't tell if I sharted or fquirted, but I know it was one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blindboygrunt Posted May 22, 2017 Share Posted May 22, 2017 Time to go back home for some new skivies. Can't tell if I sharted or fquirted, but I know it was one. Ah , no need for that 😩🤢 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kwalker201 Posted May 22, 2017 Share Posted May 22, 2017 Time to go back home for some new skivies. Can't tell if I sharted or fquirted, but I know it was one. Its when you don't know is when the problem starts Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sparquelito Posted May 22, 2017 Share Posted May 22, 2017 I'm so patriotic that I pee red, white, and blue. My doctor said that it's because I have pancreatic cancer and I told him, "You shut your commie mouth!!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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