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A friend of mine was flirting with a waitress in a local sports bar. He decided to ask her out, and she said, "You need to know I'm not a virgin, but I've only made love twice. Once with the Dallas Cowboys, and once with the Marine Corp Marching band."

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"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."

-Winston Churchill


"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I

approved of it." - Mark Twain


"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with

great pleasure." - Clarence Darrow


"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing

trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb


"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West


"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support

rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

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