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Shnate McDuanus

By Shnate McDuanus
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Shnate McDuanus

Shnate McDuanus

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Looking for a delicious meal that will fill you up without breaking the bank? Try this out:

 

-Take two slices of bread (I prefer dark rye, but most breads will work. Avoid breads with more than seven grains.)

-Add six generous slices of fatback bacon, fried very crisp (and I mean mother****ing crisp.)

-Add about one ounce of beef jerky (if you're using store-bought, make sure you get a good brand--Pemmican brand, out of Taylor, MI, is by far the best brand around if you ask me. Feel free to experiment.)

-Add maybe four or so thick slices of Genoa salami (it's important that they cover the surface of the sandwich evenly)

-Add two slices of tomato (or as many slices as it takes to cover the meats. Plum tomatoes--my preference--will likely require more slices.) The tomatoes are important.

-Add a generous layer of sauerkraut (I'm not picky about this step--I even like the cheap sauerkraut that comes in massive aluminum cans.)

-Add bacon bits (YES! MORE BACON DAMN YOU! MORE BACON!)

-Add shredded lettuce (just a bit will do, since right about now this sandwich is starting to become the massive sandwich from hell. Make sure it's shredded--it's no fun to pull a huge, whole leaf of lettuce out of the sandwich.)

-Add a heap of sliced jalapenos (fresh are preferred, but pickled will do in a pinch.)

-Add cheese. Doesn't matter what kind. Doesn't matter how it's sliced. The best sandwiches have cheese.

*-Apply to taste: A1 Steak Sauce, Tabasco Sauce, Gulden's Spicy Brown Mustard, bleu cheese crumbles, chocolate pudding, and the hopes and dreams of orphans.

-Wrap it all in a large (see: massive) tortilla. Slather with Sweet Baby Ray's and DEFCON 3. Cover with more cheese.

-Get it blessed by a priest.

-Surround in an ocean of yellow rice.

-Liberally apply ranch dressing, Baconnaise (for extra bacon taste,) and chopped liver from Sarge's Deli in NYC.

-Slow-nuke in the microwave for thirty hours.

-It should now be ready to be served. Or thrown out.

 

At this point, it probably makes most sense to eat it with a knife and fork. It's not meant to be eaten out-of-hand. It's meant to fall apart on the plate, and for all of the ingredients to just mix in with each other in a delicious FLAVORGASM** of awesome. My recommendation is that it be served with Mountain Dew, and perhaps that it also be blessed by a rabbi. Serves 1-6 people.

 

WARNINGS: Eat at your own risk. If you develop an enlarged pineal gland, experience acute rectal distress, or show symptoms of Baconiasis, seek medical attention immediately. Seek immediate medical attention if you experience an appreciation for smooth jazz that lasts longer than four hours. XDemonknight is not responsible for any injury or loss of life experienced as a result of consuming this delicious but very unorthodox culinary experience.

 

*At this point, it is probably acceptable for consumption. Take any of the following steps at your own risk.

**FLAVORGASM is a registered trademark of...XDemonknight. All rights reserved and so on.

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Shnate McDuanus

Shnate McDuanus

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Alright, dig:

 

So, you're finished with the main course (or maybe you're dead.) The next logical step is dessert. Today I'm going to let you in on one of my old favorites. I call it "The XDemolisher." I think you can probably guess why.

 

-Start with a large bowl.

-Liberally apply bacon grease to the interior surface.

-Add one box of Hostess Twinkies (be sure they're Hostess, and not a generic imitation. This is supremely important.)

-Knead and pound the Twinkies, in the bowl, until they mix with the bacon grease and reach a consistency roughly equivalent to pudding. Add whole milk, heavy cream, mayonnaise or baconnaise to thin as necessary.

-Procure one quart of holy water (make sure that the holes in the water do not exceed a diameter of 1 mm) and add to the bowl. It helps if there is a choir of eunuchs nearby, to perform Gregorian chants while you apply the holy water.

-Find a larger bowl (twice the size of the first) and fill it about half-way with chocolate pudding. You can never have too much damn pudding. Add the mixture from the first bowl into the second bowl.

-Apply to the top:

1)A gratuitous serving of very crisp bacon.

2)A healthy portion of corned beef.

3)An immoderate amount of Spam.

-Stir dramatically, and then coat the top with the crushed ambitions of one-thousand college graduates who thought their education would really mean something in the real world.

-Add a rather liberal sprinkling of finely shredded cheddar. Cheddar is good on everything, right?

-Light the mixture on fire and walk away for about an hour. Go play video games, walk your dog, recite Lenny Bruce monologues...do something that doesn't involve being in the same room as that heinous flaming mess of delicious.

-Douse the flame with a prodigious quantity of Diet Dr. Pepper.

-Freeze the mixture, making sure to cover the bowl first with plastic wrap. It helps if the plastic wrap is colorful--nobody likes boring, plain plastic wrap. I mean, please, at least get the green kind. That's my favorite.

-Let the mixture freeze overnight. While you're waiting, now would be a perfect time to top-wrap your Les Paul, practice your Cantonese, talk about how The 13th Floor Elevators were the most important exponent of the sixties psychedelic rock movement, or maybe make a sandwich.* Maybe you'll start thinking about summer vacation. Maybe you'll build that model rocket you always wanted to work on.

-Go to bed. A watched pot never boils. A watched frozen dessert never achieves the state of frozen dessert-ness.

-Wake up. You've slept enough. Go check on the dessert.

-By now your delicious dessert should be thoroughly congealed and as hard as a Catholic priest at boys' choir practice**. Thaw it for a little while, I guess?

-Serve over pieces of whole wheat toast. Serves 1-? people.

 

WARNINGS: "The XDemolisher" is not for use as a flotation device. "The XDemolisher" is not safe for use as a contraceptive. If "The XDemolisher" develops sentience while it is frozen, under no circumstances should it be lent money or allowed to touch your guitars. It will not pay you back, and it will throw your guitar out of tune. The writer of this piece is not to be held liable for any and all physical, emotional or psychological damages dealt to those who may ingest or otherwise interact with "The XDemolisher." In other words: caveat ****in' emptor.

 

*See earlier post.

**Oh yes, I WENT THERE. Deal with it. I'm working blue today.

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