Mid Week Humor

[MississippiBlue]

After Tuesday even the calendar says WTF...........

 

Go figure.

MississippiBlue

[Karloff]

LOL !! thats funny,

[MississippiBlue]

LOL !! thats funny,

 

Karloff My Man,

 

I hope all is well.

We've had a bit of sad news on The Forum so......

At least the weekend will soon be upon us.

 

Take Care Good Sir,

MississippiBlue

[Dennis G]

Monday, May the 4th be with you.

Today, Cinco de Mayo.

Manyana, day off

Thursday, Mrs. G's B'day (and it's at the do we celebrate or not stage LOL), so yeah we do. Grilled filet mignon's, baked potatoes, dessert wine, woo hoo

Not really funny, but it is what it is.

[Karloff]

Karloff My Man,

 

I hope all is well.

We've had a bit of sad news on The Forum so......

At least the weekend will soon be upon us.

 

Take Care Good Sir,

MississippiBlue

 

you too MP.

[jdgm]

This was sent to me by a colleague - may raise a smile......

 

1 He said to me . ... . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it

I said to him .... . . You wear pants don't you?

 

2 He said to me ... . ......... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?

I said to him .. That's a good idea - you stand by the stove & sink while I sit on the sofa and do nothing but fart

 

3 He said to me. ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?

I said to him . ..... Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

 

4 He said to me. ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay?

I said to him ... . They don't have time.

 

5 He said to me. . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?

I said to him .. .. I don't know; it has never happened.

 

6 He said to me. . Why is it difficult to find women who are sensitive, caring and good-looking?

I said to him . . . They already have boyfriends.

 

7 He said to me...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?

I said to him. . .. A widow.

 

8 He said to me.... Why are married women heavier than single women?

I said to him .. . .. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed….Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

[Karloff]

Lol...

 

Why should you never buy your wife a wristwatch ?

Cuz there's a clock on the stove ...

[IanHenry]

An elderly gentleman...

Had serious hearing problems for a number of years.

He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'

The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.

I just sit around and listen to the conversations.

I've changed my will three times!'

 

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says:

'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains.

I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'

Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'

'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'

'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

 

 

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. .. I would recommend it very highly.'

The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'

The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?

You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'

'Do you mean a rose?'

'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

 

 

 

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he d idn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.

On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

 

Couple in their nineties are both having

problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells

them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start

writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.

'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure..'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?'she asks.

'No,

I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too.

Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl

of ice cream with strawberries.'

'I'd also like whipped cream.

I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it!

Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,

The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs..

She stares at the plate for a moment. 'Where's my toast ?'

 

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:

'So I hear you're getting married?'

'Yep!'

'Do I know her?'

'Nope!'

'This woman, is she good looking?'

'Not really.'

'Is she a good cook?'

'Naw, she can't cook too well.'

'Does she have lots of money?'

'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'

'Well, then, is she good in bed?'

'I don't know.'

'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'

'Because she can still drive!'

 

 

Three old guys are out walking.

First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'

Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'

Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'

 

A man was telling his neighbour,'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'

'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?'

' Twelve thirty..'

 

 

Morris , an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a

gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said,

'You're really doing great, aren't you?'

Morris replied,

'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''

The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.........

I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

 

 

 

[MississippiBlue]

Thanks for the awesome laughs good people.

We need them. Makes the bad days a little easier to take.

Be Well Folks.

 

Kindest Regards,

MississippiBlue

[Retired]

1430922992[/url]' post='1655742']

An elderly gentleman...

Had serious hearing problems for a number of years.

He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'

The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.

I just sit around and listen to the conversations.

I've changed my will three times!'

 

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says:

'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains.

I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'

Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'

'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'

'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

 

 

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. .. I would recommend it very highly.'

The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'

The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?

You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'

'Do you mean a rose?'

'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

 

 

 

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he d idn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.

On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

 

Couple in their nineties are both having

problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells

them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start

writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.

'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure..'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?'she asks.

'No,

I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too.

Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl

of ice cream with strawberries.'

'I'd also like whipped cream.

I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it!

Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,

The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs..

She stares at the plate for a moment. 'Where's my toast ?'

 

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:

'So I hear you're getting married?'

'Yep!'

'Do I know her?'

'Nope!'

'This woman, is she good looking?'

'Not really.'

'Is she a good cook?'

'Naw, she can't cook too well.'

'Does she have lots of money?'

'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'

'Well, then, is she good in bed?'

'I don't know.'

'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'

'Because she can still drive!'

 

 

Three old guys are out walking.

First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'

Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'

Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'

 

A man was telling his neighbour,'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'

'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?'

' Twelve thirty..'

 

 

Morris , an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a

gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said,

'You're really doing great, aren't you?'

Morris replied,

'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''

The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.........

I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

 

 

 

Love the hearing aid one. No joke, mine were $3,500.00 a piece that the Railroad paid for hearing damage!

[MrNylon]

After Tuesday even the calendar says WTF...........

 

Go figure.

MississippiBlue

 

That's a good one.

[L8_4thesh0w]

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. .. I would recommend it very highly.'

The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'

The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?

You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'

'Do you mean a rose?'

'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

 

 

Couple in their nineties are both having

problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells

them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start

writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.

'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure..'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?'she asks.

'No,

I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too.

Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl

of ice cream with strawberries.'

'I'd also like whipped cream.

I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it!

Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,

The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs..

She stares at the plate for a moment. 'Where's my toast ?'

Thanks Ian, my stomach hurts!

[IanHenry]

Vladimir Putin, wanting to get on the good side of voters, goes to visit a school in Moscow to have a chat with the kids.

 

He talks to them about how Russia is a powerful nation and how he wants the best for the people.

 

At the end of the talk, there is a section for questions.

 

Little Sasha puts her hand up and says "I have two questions. Why did the Russians take Crimea ? And why are we sending troops to Ukraine ?"

 

Putin says "Good questions..." But just as he is about to answer, the bell goes, and the kids go to lunch.

 

When they come back, they sit back down and there is room for some more questions, another girl, Misha, puts her hand up and says "I have four questions. My Questions are -

 

Why did the Russians invade Crimea ? Why are we sending troops to Ukraine ? Why did the bell go 20 minutes early? And Where is Sasha?"

 

Ian

[IanHenry]

Oh, here's another.

Explanation of the Greek Bailout

 

The Greek Bailout !!!

 

It is a slow day in a little Greek Village. The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.

On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the village, stops at the local hotel and lays a €100 note on the desk,

telling the hotel owner he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.

The owner gives him some keys and, as soon as the visitor has walked upstairs, the hotelier grabs the €100 note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the €100 note and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the €100 note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.

The guy at the Farmers' Co-op takes the €100 note and runs to pay his drinks bill at the taverna.

The publican slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him "services" on credit.

The hooker then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner with the €100 note.

The hotel proprietor then places the €100 note back on the counter so the rich traveller will not suspect anything.

At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the €100 note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.

 

No one produced anything.

No one earned anything.

 

However, the whole village is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism.

And that, Ladies and Gentlemen, is how the bailout package works!

[LPguitarman]

Oh, here's another.

Explanation of the Greek Bailout

 

The Greek Bailout !!!

 

It is a slow day in a little Greek Village. The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.

On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the village, stops at the local hotel and lays a €100 note on the desk,

telling the hotel owner he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.

The owner gives him some keys and, as soon as the visitor has walked upstairs, the hotelier grabs the €100 note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the €100 note and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the €100 note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.

The guy at the Farmers' Co-op takes the €100 note and runs to pay his drinks bill at the taverna.

The publican slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him "services" on credit.

The hooker then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner with the €100 note.

The hotel proprietor then places the €100 note back on the counter so the rich traveller will not suspect anything.

At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the €100 note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.

 

No one produced anything.

No one earned anything.

 

However, the whole village is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism.

And that, Ladies and Gentlemen, is how the bailout package works!

That was awesome.

[Kenny V]

Too funny. Thanks for the laugh.

Kenny V

[Kelvinator]

Thanks - you guys started my day on a happy note!

[MississippiBlue]

Thanks - you guys started my day on a happy note!

 

 

YES. Very well said.

Some GREAT people with a GREAT sense of humor on this Forum.

MississippiBlue

[Karloff]

YES. Very well said.

Some GREAT people with a GREAT sense of humor on this Forum.

MississippiBlue

 

I've gotten a lot of mileage out of the musician jokes that were posted recently. especially the drummer jokes. the drummer I play with is crazy, and has a great sense of humor, lol.

[DanvillRob]

I often miss the threads on this forum!

The old folk jokes remind me of my own anniversary last month, (36 years).

Wife and I decided to have a go at it one more time.....as we got ready for bed, I took out my wallet......in a secret compartment I took out a very old packet with a very old rubber in it.....wife looked at what I was doing and said, "You don't need that! I can't get pregnant any more!"

I said, "it's not for you....its for me....the dampness kills my arthritis!"

[capmaster]

Since the flu epidemic caught me in late January, my health has changed for the worst. I was hospitalized three times within the last five weeks. At the moment I'm suffering from a myocarditis, a pneumonia, a pleurisy, several bad teeth, and on Monday 11th I will have to undergo a triple jaw surgery along with the antibiosis I already do at the moment. It could be my last chance to have things cleared up and save my life.

 

At this point, you gave me some of the best laughs I ever had. Thank you very much for that, you couldn't have got it any better.

[MississippiBlue]

Since the flu epidemic caught me in late January, my health has changed for the worst. I was hospitalized three times within the last five weeks. At the moment I'm suffering from a myocarditis, a pneumonia, a pleurisy, several bad teeth, and on Monday 11th I will have to undergo a triple jaw surgery along with the antibiosis I already do at the moment. It could be my last chance to have things cleared up and save my life.

 

At this point, you gave me some of the best laughs I ever had. Thank you very much for that, you couldn't have got it any better.

 

Capmaster,

 

I'm truly sorry to hear about your health. Please my good man, hang in there and be strong.

Laughter really helps all of us in many ways. I'm sure some days must be very hard for you. Concentrate on good things.

You are in my thoughts and Prayers. Be well and persevere. I will say an extra Prayer just for you come May 11.

May the Good Lord be by your side.

 

My Kindest Regards,

MississippiBlue

[capmaster]

Capmaster,

 

I'm truly sorry to hear about your health. Please my good man, hang in there and be strong.

Laughter really helps all of us in many ways. I'm sure some days must be very hard for you. Concentrate on good things.

You are in my thoughts and Prayers. Be well and persevere. I will say an extra Prayer just for you come May 11.

May the Good Lord be by your side.

 

My Kindest Regards,

MississippiBlue

Thank you very much, MississippiBlue. I'll have to get over two more nights making me run out of breath, and then I hope everything will get better. Since more than two weeks I'm unable to sing, and I have to say I miss it very much. I felt never before that playing an instrument takes much less power than singing.

 

I'm hoping I will be back in a better condition soon.

 

Sincerely,

capmaster

[IanHenry]

Here's a little something to cheer you up.

 

A couple were lying in bed together on the morning of their tenth wedding anniversary when the wife says 'Darling, as this is such a special occasion, I think that it is time I made a confession.

 

Before we were married I was a hooker for eight years .

 

The husband ponders for a moment and then looks into his wife's eyes and says 'My love, you have been a perfect wife for ten years, I cannot hold your past against you, in fact maybe you could show me a few tricks of the trade and spice up our sex life a bit?'

 

 

 

She said 'I don't think you understand, my name was Brian and I played rugby for Wales .

 

 

Ian