Murph Posted February 20, 2018 Share Posted February 20, 2018 Been a bit tense in here lately, but we're all guitar buddies so....... Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny. The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece. The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murph Posted February 20, 2018 Author Share Posted February 20, 2018 During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?" "Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup.." "No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murph Posted February 20, 2018 Author Share Posted February 20, 2018 Want to find true unconditional love? Lock both your wife and your dog in the trunk of your car for an hour. See which one jumps out and is happy to see you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murph Posted February 20, 2018 Author Share Posted February 20, 2018 There’s 2 types of countries.... Those that use the metric system. And those that have been to the moon..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murph Posted February 20, 2018 Author Share Posted February 20, 2018 An old man lay sprawled across three entire seats at a symphony concert. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man, "Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."The old man didn't budge. The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager."Once again, the old man just muttered and did nothing. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old disheveled man, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?""Bob," the old man moaned."Where you from, Bob?", asked the police officer. With a terrible strain in his voice, and without moving, Bob replied; "The balcony." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murph Posted February 20, 2018 Author Share Posted February 20, 2018 A recent study has revealed that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murph Posted February 20, 2018 Author Share Posted February 20, 2018 Human Resources Manager:"What is your greatest weakness?" Old Man : "Honesty!" Human Resources Manager:"I don't think honesty is a weakness." Old Man : "I don't give a crap what you think.” Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murph Posted February 21, 2018 Author Share Posted February 21, 2018 Two really drunk friends are sitting in their usual watering hole when one of them looks across the bar and says, "Hey Bob, look at those two nasty old drunks over there! They're fat, ugly slobs. If you and I don't stop drinking, that'll be us one day!" Bob says, "You idiot! That's a mirror!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murph Posted February 21, 2018 Author Share Posted February 21, 2018 So there was this man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living. He loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew and smoke filled the air- but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine. Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. And somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution. For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was once again unharmed. Well, this of course meant that he was free to go. And once again, he somehow manages to get his old job back. To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death. On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal- three bananas. "You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat, we're strapping you in and doing this now." Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless. The man looked at the executioner and said "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murph Posted February 21, 2018 Author Share Posted February 21, 2018 I told my girlfriend to meet me at the gym, and then I didn't show up. I hope she realizes that we're not working out... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sparquelito Posted February 21, 2018 Share Posted February 21, 2018 Fergus stumbled into the pub, and he was all beat to $#it. Bartender exclaimed, "Fergus, yer all beat to $#it, laddie! Who did this to ye?" Fergus responded, "McGillicuddy. McGillicuddy did this to me." "McGillicuddy?? He's but a wee pip-squeak! Surely he had something in his hand then?" "Aye. He had a shovel in his hand!" "Well then, boyo. Didn't you have anything in yer hand then??" "Aye. I had Mrs McGillicuddy's breast in me hand. And a thing of beauty it was too, but no use to me in a fight!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
j45nick Posted February 21, 2018 Share Posted February 21, 2018 There’s 2 types of countries.... Those that use the metric system. And those that have been to the moon..... I hate to tell you, but NASA uses the metric system, as does the international space station. Don't be afraid of it. It won't hurt you, and it has an internal logic that is unmatched by the Imperial system. My technical life has been run exclusively in the metric system for more than 25 years, but I like to think of myself as bi-lingual when it comes to units of measurement. Our pal Jinder, on the other hand, gives his height in feet and inches, and his weight in stones. The English are a strange lot... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blindboygrunt Posted February 21, 2018 Share Posted February 21, 2018 I hate to tell you, but NASA uses the metric system, as does the international space station. Don't be afraid of it. It won't hurt you, and it has an internal logic that is unmatched by the Imperial system. My technical life has been run exclusively in the metric system for more than 25 years, but I like to think of myself as bi-lingual when it comes to units of measurement. Our pal Jinder, on the other hand, gives his height in feet and inches, and his weight in stones. The English are a strange lot... 😂 Jinder guves his age away slightly . He’s roughly my vintage where we were taught in metric at school but no one outside school used it ! The older generation of grocers still sold potatoes in lbs etc Builders would do things as they always did in feet and inches etc If I hear someone is 165cm tall I have to think about it , but 5’5’’ is immediate And don’t start on the ‘we’ve been to the moon Bs’ Everyone knows it was a Kubrick movie . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BluesKing777 Posted February 21, 2018 Share Posted February 21, 2018 I work at NASA and it was filmed just a 1/4 mile away in the large hanger we have here. And Aliens are running amok. What happened to the silver jump suits we were all supposed to wearing by 2010? Flying car? Or the ‘Auto Get Ready For Work’ machine like George Jetson...instead of shower, teeth, etc..he walked in th bubble and there were ‘diddledeedeedup’ noises and he came out clean pressed and dressed! And...living in a bubble over the ocean? And...working from home on a computer....oh, ok...I do that! But I do realise we can’t live on Mars because Matt Damon had a problem making it home... But is Paul comng back? BluesKing777. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murph Posted February 21, 2018 Author Share Posted February 21, 2018 Did Yoko ever tour to support an album ? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BluesKing777 Posted February 21, 2018 Share Posted February 21, 2018 Did Yoko ever tour to support an album ? I meant the alien from the movie ‘Paul’...said he would return...... Not Macca coming back as Superman, but you know it goes with the thread. But in the movie ‘Life’ the gut splitting alien made it to Earth by swapping escape pods with the humans! Tricky. Hope the big Alien from the Aliens movies didn’t think of that - that is the Queen of stomach splitters! Wonder if Ridley is making the next instalment of the Alien? The Better Half is tough but hid her head in the cushions in parts of the last one! (Alien Covenant). I watched it again as I bought the thing from iTunes and stopped it in the same place........ Jeff Bridges in Starman is easier to watch! BluesKing777. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murph Posted February 21, 2018 Author Share Posted February 21, 2018 Not Macca coming back as Superman, but you know it goes with the thread. Metropolis is just down the road.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BDuke Posted February 21, 2018 Share Posted February 21, 2018 Been a bit tense in here lately, but we're all guitar buddies so....... Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny. The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece. The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about. A women is standing in front a judge accused of killing her husband. the judge says to her lawyer " first offender". The women replies " no judge first a gibson then a fender! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blindboygrunt Posted February 21, 2018 Share Posted February 21, 2018 A women is standing in front a judge accused of killing her husband. the judge says to her lawyer " first offender". The women replies " no judge first a gibson then a fender! You need to say she is in court for beating him to death with his guitar collection Don’t give up the day job Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hall Posted February 21, 2018 Share Posted February 21, 2018 A recent study has revealed that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it. click on Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
badbluesplayer Posted February 21, 2018 Share Posted February 21, 2018 I hate to tell you, but NASA uses the metric system, as does the international space station. Don't be afraid of it. It won't hurt you, and it has an internal logic that is unmatched by the Imperial system. My technical life has been run exclusively in the metric system for more than 25 years, but I like to think of myself as bi-lingual when it comes to units of measurement. ... That's a joke, son! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
uncle fester Posted February 22, 2018 Share Posted February 22, 2018 Folks - I know I'm a little late to the table with this, but I love this joke... Q: What do you get if you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros? A: El-if-I-no Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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