It Hurts When I Do This

[drathbun 91]

Discuss.

[kidblast 1,365]

[fortyearspickn 411]

"Doctor, will I be able to play guitar after my surgery?"

"Yes, of course."

"That's funny - I couldn't play before."

[drathbun 91]

"Doctor, will I be able to play guitar after my surgery?"

"Yes, of course."

"That's funny - I couldn't play before."

 

[biggrin]

[zombywoof 251]

Whenever I would play a guitar at my favorite little Mom & Pop store and get some fret buzz or something here or there the owner would always say "just don't play there." Then again, every time we haggled over price you just knew one of the two of us would eventually come out with "your killing me."

 

Edited April 17, 2018 by zombywoof

[Murph 536]

It took me many decades to learn to quit beating my head against walls.

 

However, I still do it from time to time. Going with the flow goes against my grain.

[62burst 144]

It took me many decades to learn to quit beating my head against walls.

 

However, I still do it from time to time. Going with the flow goes against my grain.

Why do you hit your head against the wall?

 

 

"Because it feels SO good when I stop."

[MissouriPicker 389]

The Sound of Silence and the Yogi-ism "nobody goes there anymore, because it's too crowded."

[scriv58 21]

I arrived on the mountaintop and found the holy man. After I played a song for the Sage, he said "if you keep picking that thing it will never heal".

[Lars68 122]

I plan to start smoking, just so I can give it up,, save money and buy a new guitar.

 

Lars

[drathbun 91]

[Salfromchatham 235]

 

Little Johnny jokes are the best.

 

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess"

 

"And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

 

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

 

"Very good," said the teacher. "Now, Lucy?"

 

"Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks. And the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched."

 

"That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny do you have a story to share?"

 

"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Uncle Bob. Uncle Bob was a Green Beret in Vietnam and his helicopter got hit. He had to crash land in enemy territory and all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. He killed seventy of them with the machine gun until he ran out of bullets, then he killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke and then he killed the last ten with his bare hands."

 

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, " What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

 

"Don't **** with Uncle Bob when he's been drinking."

 

 

[MissouriPicker 389]

Good one, Sal!!!!!!!!!!! Reminds me of all the Johnny Meathead jokes we used to tell in high school....Johnny was a wild weed who enjoyed shocking the teacher. [thumbup]

[Murph 536]

I've learned two important lessons in life.

 

I don't remember the first one, but the second one is that I need to start writing stuff down.

[Murph 536]

An Irish priest was transferred to Texas.

 

Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring

day in his new west Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of

his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.

 

He then noticed there was a donkey lying dead in the middle of his

front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.

 

The conversation went like this:

 

"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"

 

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St.

Ann's Catholic Church. There's a donkey lying dead in me front lawn

and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of

the matter?"

 

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and

recognising the foreign accent, thought he would have a little fun

with the good father, replied, "Well now Father, it was always my

impression that you people took care of the last rites!"

 

There was dead silence on the line for a moment.......

 

Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we are

also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call."

[Murph 536]

A thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He tied up the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewelry and money.

The man started sobbing and said, “You can take anything you want. You can kill me. But please untie the rope and free her.”

Thief: “You must really love your wife!”

Man: “No, but she will be home shortly”.

[drathbun 91]

A thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He tied up the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewelry and money.

The man started sobbing and said, “You can take anything you want. You can kill me. But please untie the rope and free her.”

Thief: “You must really love your wife!”

Man: “No, but she will be home shortly”.

 

[lol]

 

A man's wife called out to him from the bathroom that she was stuck on the toilet. He went into the bathroom and found her naked, stuck on a cracked toilet seat. He tried everything to free her but every move he made, made it worse. So he called the fire department. "OMG get me something to wear before they come in!" she screamed. He got one of his shirts and put it around her and grabbed his cowboy hat and laid it in her lap.

 

The fireman came in and examined the situation, carefully looking around the seat of the toilet and her predicament. "Well" he finally said, "she's going to be just fine, but I'm afraid the cowboy is a gonner!"