Rockin365 Posted May 1, 2009 Share Posted May 1, 2009 Whats your best or favourite CLEAN joke. Here's mine. Did you hear about the Dislexic - Agnostic - Insomniac He stayed up all night wondering if there was a DOG. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Flight959 Posted May 1, 2009 Share Posted May 1, 2009 Two Irishmen were on Holiday in Florida camping in the Everglades when they see an Alligator under a tree with a guys head and arm sticking out of its mouth. Paddy turns to Mick and says " Bejesus wud you look at that flash bastard in the Lacoste sleeping bag" Flight959 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rmngretsch14 Posted May 1, 2009 Share Posted May 1, 2009 Better in the context of the Monty Python sketch dubbed on the Nuremberg rally scene from the "Triumph of the Will" but here goes Hitler: My dog has no nose Soldier: How does he smell? Hitler: Terrible Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
grampa Posted May 1, 2009 Share Posted May 1, 2009 A skeleton walks into a bar. The bartender coolly asks, "What'll it be?" The skeleton says "Gimme a beer....and a mop." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Flight959 Posted May 1, 2009 Share Posted May 1, 2009 Two Irishmen sitting in the pub, Pat says "If I screwed your wife and she had a kid, would that make us related?", Mick says "No, that would make us even!!!" Flight959 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dub-T-123 Posted May 1, 2009 Share Posted May 1, 2009 what do they use to cut their pizzas in Mexico... Little ceasars!!! Lol just don't get pepperoni. Swinee fluuuu Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slick Joe Posted May 1, 2009 Share Posted May 1, 2009 I like doing this with people: Me: Knock knock? Him: Whos there? Me: Wait i messed up, you start it this time. Him: Uh, knock knock..? Me: Whos there? Him: uhhhh... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cruznolfart Posted May 1, 2009 Share Posted May 1, 2009 Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twiz Posted May 1, 2009 Share Posted May 1, 2009 Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? -Fo' Drizzle. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rockin365 Posted May 1, 2009 Author Share Posted May 1, 2009 Dislexic pimp? He bought a warehouse... lol ) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saturn Posted May 1, 2009 Share Posted May 1, 2009 When my teacher told me to sit Indian style, I got an empty bottle of whiskey and laid on the curb Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Holy Hand Grenade Posted May 1, 2009 Share Posted May 1, 2009 Christian: I hate the Jews man!!! Atheist: Why do you hate the Jews? Christians: Because they killed my God Atheist: Christian: Whats wrong? Atheist: I don't know man its just that If I thought the Jews killed God, I'd worship the Jews now there goes some bad mother****ers, I mean they killed god. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ksdaddy Posted May 1, 2009 Share Posted May 1, 2009 A tomato and a carrot were walking down the road when a truck came by and ran over the carrot. The paramedics came and took the carrot to the emergency room. The tomato paced back and forth in the waiting room, worried sick about his friend. The ER Doctor came out with his clothing splattered with carrot juice. The tomato frantically asked the Doctor, "Doc, Doc, how's my friend the carrot?" The Doctor removed his mask and spoke gravely, "He's going to live but I think you should know... he'd going to be a vegetable the rest of his life." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cookieman15061 Posted May 1, 2009 Share Posted May 1, 2009 Christian: I hate the Jews man!!! Atheist: Why do you hate the Jews? Christians: Because they killed my God Atheist: Christian: Whats wrong? Atheist: I don't know man its just that If I thought the Jews killed God' date=' I'd worship the Jews now there goes some bad mother****ers, I mean they killed god.[/quote'] you just made that up right? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cookieman15061 Posted May 1, 2009 Share Posted May 1, 2009 Three old ladies are sitting on a park bench enjoying a beautful afternoon. All of a sudden some pervert in a raincoat jumps out of the bushes, whips open his coat and flashes the the old dames. Two of them had a stroke but the other one couldn't quite reach. Bada Bing! Thank you, thank you very much! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
heymisterk Posted May 1, 2009 Share Posted May 1, 2009 I haven't slept for ten days. Because that would be too long. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tuckomf Posted May 1, 2009 Share Posted May 1, 2009 Three moles live under a house, and they start out of their tunnel while the people are eating breakfast. Papa mole is in front. He takes a whiff and says "Mmmmmm.... I smell pancakes." Mama mole is behind him. She breathes deep and says "Mmmmmm... I smell bacon." Baby mole is in back, and he sniffs around and says "Yuck. I smell molasses." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dem00n Posted May 1, 2009 Share Posted May 1, 2009 How many homz does it take to screw in a light ball? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rockin365 Posted May 2, 2009 Author Share Posted May 2, 2009 How many homz does it take to screw in a light ball? I dont know how many homz does it take? How many flies does it take to screw in a light ball? 2 but dont ask me how they got in there.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cookieman15061 Posted May 2, 2009 Share Posted May 2, 2009 A man walks up to a 7 eleven where the store manager is locking the door. Man- "Hey what gives?" Mgr.- "Were closed!" Man- "But I thought you were open 24 hours." Mgr.- "Not in a row!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pumpkin Posted May 2, 2009 Share Posted May 2, 2009 During his sermon on Sunday, the local minister told his congregation that the entire range of human existence could be found in the Bible. Anything that can happen to humans, is described somewhere in the Bible. After the service, a woman came up to the preacher and said, "Reverend, I don't think the Bible mentions anything about PMS anywhere." The preacher told the woman he was certain he could find a reference to PMS somewhere in the Bible. During the following week, he searched diligently, book-by-book, chapter-by-chapter, and verse-by-verse. On the following Sunday, the woman came up to him and asked, "Did you find PMS mentioned in the Bible?" The preacher smiled, opened his Bible, and began to read:".... and Mary rode Joseph's *** all the way to Bethlehem." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
daveinspain Posted May 2, 2009 Share Posted May 2, 2009 How many guitarists does it take to make up a guitar forum? None, anyone can talk politics... :D Ok so I made that up.... Shoot me Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pumpkin Posted May 2, 2009 Share Posted May 2, 2009 A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables; and when he picked up a CD player to place in his Sack, a strange,disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot. "Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you." The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?" "Moses," replied the bird. "Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?" "The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rockin365 Posted May 2, 2009 Author Share Posted May 2, 2009 Englishman - Irishman - Scotsman in the dessert for three weeks and now run out of water a few weary miles later and vultures circling, The Englishman says to the Irishman and the Scotsman, If I should die please would you bury my head in the sand so the vultures cant peck my eyes out. All in agreement they carry on and sure enough the Englishman drops down dead. After burying the Englishman the Irishman and Scotsman make a pact that whoever should die next, the other would bury his head. A short time later it is the Scotsman that falls down and the Irishman left to bury the Scotsmans head. After completing this task the Irishman thinks to himself, 'who will be here to bury my head so the vultures canna peck my eyes out'? So the Irishman buries his own head in the sand so the vultures couldnt peck his eyes. A short time later a rather 'fruity' Arab is passing on his camel, he's been in the dessert for a while and has the 'horn' a little. Apon seeing the Irishmans butt sticking up out of the sand he thinks this is too good an oportunity too miss. Dismounting the camel the Arab starts at the irishmans butt, after a few seconds he hears a muffled voice, 'You can peck all ya like, ya aint getting me eyes' :-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Flight959 Posted May 2, 2009 Share Posted May 2, 2009 Whats the difference between PMT and BSE? One's mad cows disease and the others an agriculture problem! Flight959 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.