Just a joke.....

[Greybeard]

Two Norwegians from Minnesota went fishing in Canada and returned with only one fish.

 

 

 

'The way I figger it, dat fish cost us $400' said the first Norwegian

 

 

 

'Vell,' said the other one, 'At dat price it's a good ting ve didn't catch any more.'

[MissouriPicker]

Nugent won that debate. The French are not known for their fighting/debating skills...Touche!

And the Zimbabwean joke is funny. Sad because it's true, but still funny.

[Murph]

An old man in Miami calls up his son in New York and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough."

 

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

 

“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.

 

Now, the son is worried. So he calls up his sister. She says, "Like hell they’re getting divorced!" and calls her father immediately. "You’re not getting divorced! Don't do another thing, the two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don't call a lawyer, don't file a paper, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and she hangs up.

 

The old man turns to his wife and says "Okay, they’re coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares."

[jdgm]

To return to the OP;

I'm not a fan of the Nuge and I don't like hunting but...the guy is a pro and very sharp when it comes to, uh - riposting to questions about his activities - he's had enough time and opportunity to develop an effective schtick. And the questioner made the most basic stupid mistake; I think it's called anthropomorphism(?) when you assign human thoughts, feelings etc to animals. I don't want to derail or get this thread locked so won't go further on that one.

[DanvillRob]

Two Norwegians from Minnesota went fishing in Canada and returned with only one fish.

 

'The way I figger it, dat fish cost us $400' said the first Norwegian

 

'Vell,' said the other one, 'At dat price it's a good ting ve didn't catch any more.'

 

Reminded me of the story about the two (pick your ethnic group here), who rented a boat, went out to the middle of

a lake and started fishing.

 

They caught their limit in no time!

 

Bob says to Fred, (or whatever ethnic names you choose), "This is a GREAT spot to fish!"

 

"Yeah" said Fred, "let's mark this spot so we can come back tomorrow!"

 

Bob jumps out of the boat, swims under it and marks the boat with a big "X"!

 

As he climbs back in, Fred says to him, "You idiot..... we might not even get this boat tomorrow!"

[CindyC]

An old man in Miami calls up his son in New York and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough."

 

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

 

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.

 

Now, the son is worried. So he calls up his sister. She says, "Like hell they're getting divorced!" and calls her father immediately. "You're not getting divorced! Don't do another thing, the two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don't call a lawyer, don't file a paper, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and she hangs up.

 

The old man turns to his wife and says "Okay, they're coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares."

 

Lol Good one!! I may try this!

 

I can attest to the Scottish jokes having merit, my maiden name is Campbell and dad was quite savvy at squirreling away his nuts for a rainy day. Even if it meant needlessly going without anything but the bare essentials. I think it also had a lot to do with going thru the great depression though. Sadly he never got to enjoy his substantial nest egg as he died two years after retirement. My mother on the other hand is now enjoying his frugality.

[Versatile]

A Scotsman and a Jew are walking down the street...

 

Two racial stereotypes for the price of one....

 

V

 

[btoth76]

It's not at ethnical joke, but quite popular one here nowadays.

 

A black sedan rushes down the road in the countryside, with politicians inside. The driver loses control over the vehicle and crashes the car...

 

When National Security guys arrive to the scene, they only find four heaps and an old farmer with a spade in his hands.

 

The men in black ask the farmer about the politicians...

 

"Here they are, I've buried them!" - replies the farmer.

 

"Are you sure they were all dead?" - the agents keep asking the farmer.

 

"Well, some of them were groaning...but You know the politicians...they lie all the time!" - came the answer.

[DanvillRob]

It's not at ethnical joke, but quite popular one here nowadays.

 

A black sedan rushes down the road in the countryside, with politicians inside. The driver loses control over the vehicle and crashes the car...

 

When National Security guys arrive to the scene, they only find four heaps and an old farmer with a spade in his hands.

 

The men in black ask the farmer about the politicians...

 

"Here they are, I've buried them!" - replies the farmer.

 

"Are you sure they were all dead?" - the agents keep asking the farmer.

 

"Well, some of them were groaning...but You know the politicians...they lie all the time!" - came the answer.

 

Reminds me of old story (I think I heard it here), about the EPA Agent who visits an old farmer in Oklahoma.

 

EPA Agent says he needs to check the farmer's field for 'wet lands' compliance.

 

Farmer says, "You can't go in that field."

 

EPA Agent says, "Listen, Bud.... see this badge? This badge allows me to go anywhere I want!"

 

So the EPA Agent crawls between the barbed wire fence strands, and starts walking across the field

 

Suddenly, out of nowhere, a big, mean, tee'd off bull comes running at the intruder.

 

The EPA Agent is running for his life, yelling at the farmer to DO SOMETHING!!

 

Farmer yells back at him, "Show him your badge!"

[brundaddy]

Don't get all anti-Uncle Ted on me......

 

Ted Nugent was being interviewed by a French journalist and animal rights activist. The discussion came around to deer hunting. The journalist asked, "What do you think is the last thought in the head of a deer before you shoot him? Is it, 'Are you my friend?' or is it 'Are you the one that killed my brother?' "

 

Nugent replied, "Deer aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is, 'What am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away. They are very much like the French.' "

__________________

 

I'm not anti-"Uncle Ted" ... hell he's one of the guys that made me want to play hollowbodies. But what irony that a draft dodger wisecracks about cowardice.

[badbluesplayer]

Priest and a rabbi walk into a bar and the guy goes, "Hey what IS this, a joke?"

[badbluesplayer]

Guy tries skydiving and on the first jump, his parachute gets all tangled up and the guy's falling with his chute all messed up. He's falling and falling and trying to untangle stuff and he sees a guy passing him. The guy is going up and he's falling down. He asks the guy "Do you know anything about parachutes?" The guy goes "No, do you know anything about gas grills?"

[DanvillRob]

Lady walks in a bar carrying a duck.

 

Bartender says, "Hey, we don't allow pigs in here!"

 

Lady says, that's not a pig, that's a duck!

 

Bartender says, I was talking to the duck.

[zigzag]

A dyslexic man walks into a bra...

[milod]

I think too that we've lost far too much of our sense of humor overall.

 

As for Ted's comments there, were they presented in a local coffee shop or saloon here, with or without his name attached, I'll wager everybody male and female of about any age would agree - except possibly the very few imported city folk who don't go into such places with the majority of the population.

 

In my childhood and youth many of the top comics in the country were Jewish and made their mark telling various Jewish jokes. Ethnic jokes? Heavens, folks often were known - and a few still are here - by ethnicity: Swede, Norsky, Dago, etc. I remember my uncle saying he hadda haul a broken sickle bar to "the Dago;" and once there in the blacksmith shop, it was like watching brothers tease and haggle over prices.

 

I remember working a day with a physician who had somehow managed to leave his native Poland back before politics changed. I asked him if he knew about the Polish jokes around here. Yup, he said. I asked if they had similar jokes on Poland. "Well, we do have some about the Russians."

 

It seems to me that ethnic humor and regional-based humor is almost guaranteed, and often it includes an accompanying "accent." Then there are the blonde jokes, etc., etc.

 

When I was in college, a number of my friends were Jewish and boy, could they tell the Yiddish-flavored jokes.

 

I dunno. I think we get too hung up about such things that tend mostly not to be intended as nasty. I recall asking a black friend in Memphis why he always was telling black jokes and if he had white jokes. His response was to the effect that, "You white people aren't funny."

 

I think it has to do with the caricatures that are so familiar to all of us - including those we often have of ourselves as we see ourselves in the mirror as we perform our morning ablutions.

 

That's far better than the waspish lady who claimed, "We have a constitutional right not to be insulted." Unfortunately her perspective seems to have won on an international basis. I fear it's left us without either humor or even the degree of honest humanity we once had that IMHO brought folks together better than having constant fear of insulting someone.

 

m

[pippy]

When I was in college, a number of my friends were Jewish and boy, could they tell the Yiddish-flavored jokes...

One told to me by the Jewish friend I mentioned earlier...

 

Jewish mother is walking through Central Park in the early evening. She had just reached a quiet, deserted corner when out jumps a man wearing a long Mackintosh raincoat.

Sure enough he yanks the coat open to flash his goods. The little lady looks horrified and cries out "Oy Vey! Call THAT a Lining?"...

 

P.

[badbluesplayer]

I recall asking a black friend in Memphis why he always was telling black jokes and if he had white jokes. His response was to the effect that, "You white people aren't funny."

Now that's funny!!

[badbluesplayer]

Of course, Ol' Ted there wasn't making a joke, he was making fun of the interviewer. Straight bullying tactics. Different thing. Not a joke. Not funny at all unless you want to make fun of somebody.

 

I'm funny. Ted's not.

[badbluesplayer]

Maybe the reason some of you guys don't get any yucks is because you don't know the difference between making fun of somebody and telling a joke. Plus y'all need to work harder to come up with stuff that's actually funny.

 

Ted and you guys would have loved my old man. He actually had a great sense of humor but spent most of it humoring himself at other peoples' expense. He'd come home from work and beat the schlock out of me and my sisters. Then the next time he came around the corner he'd be raising his hand at us, just faking like he was going to hit us, just to see us cringe. Then he'd laugh. Oh that was really funny. It takes a real man to bully a captive audience.

 

Maybe y'all can learn the difference between a joke and making fun of somebody to their face.

[jdgm]

Hmmm....

 

How many mothers-in-law does it take to change a lightbulb?

 

( 2, 3...)

 

(sigh)

 

 

I don't know.

 

 

I think I'd rather live in the dark.

[badbluesplayer]

Some guy ticked me off and I told him to go to HeII. He said "That's not very nice." I said "And when you get there I'm going to beat the crud out of you!"

 

[Tman]

Mom's French, Dad was a Jew - enjoying this thread.

 

Let's pull in Asians. (wife is Asian before you go ballistic). Street cred for making fun.

 

 

A Chinese guy goes into a Jewish-owned establishment to buy black bras, size 38. The Jewish store keeper, known for his skills as a businessman, says that black bras are rare and that he is finding it very difficult to buy them from his suppliers. Therefore he has to charge $50.00 for them.

 

The Chinese guy buys 25 bras

 

He returns a few days later and this time orders fifty.

 

The Jewish owner tells him that they have become even harder to get and charges him $60.00 each.

 

The Chinese guy returns a month later and buys the store's remaining stock of 50, and this time for $75.00 each. The Jewish owner is somewhat puzzled by the large demand for black size 38 bras and asks the Chinese guy, "...please tell me - What do you do with all these black bras?"

 

The Chinese guy answers: "I cut them in half and sell them as skull caps to Jewish men for $200.00 each."