Another song

[AnneS]

Something sparked this morning after listening to Roger’s great cover of The Cape and then reading a Verlon Thompson FB post with a youtube link to a song he co-wrote a long time about daring to dream. (Not lost on me, of course, is the whole Guy/Verlon connection…)

It may get some tweaking, but I like the gist of what’s here, so…I’m trusting my cape and putting the first draft out there. (Iphone, new strings on the J100, and a wee bit of vocal troubles and all.)

Dream Cycle

https://song.space/3w2b6x

[MissouriPicker]

Love it, Anne!  Good piece of writing.  Another “slice of life” song.  The guitar + your voice = “easy listening.”

[rbpicker]

Anne, I truly enjoyed your song.  

I was cruising along with it, visualizing the story, and then the line “He says, “Mom, it’s like looking at you, watching her play” came along and wham! The hook was set.

really well done, Anne. I used my memories of the ball park in my small hometown as the setting for the story.  Took me back home.

thanks for posting.

roger

[kwalker201]

Anne, Wow! What a song! 

[Murph]

That is outstanding.

I really like it.

[Lars68]

Lovely song Anne!

Lars

[dhanners623]

I’d say that’s a definite winner. A great story and the chorus is killer. This is a wonderful song. Powerful, even. It makes a great statement in an inviting way. It shows, not tells. Excellent job.

Edited June 19, 2022 by dhanners623

[AnneS]

6 hours ago, dhanners623 said:

I’d say that’s a definite winner. A great story and the chorus is killer.

If this hack may offer one admittedly unsolicited comment: It is probably just me, but the use of “insurance” in the second verse threw me. The images in the first verse do such a wonderful job of setting up the story, but when I hear/read the word, “insurance,” my brain wonders, “What? We jumped ahead and she’s selling insurance now?” After re-reading the lyrics a couple of times, I get the reference — the adults in the league cite liability as one of the reasons she can’t play —but the word seems like a bump in the road, at least to me. I guess it’s the specificity of the word. The first verse uses simple language to set up these GREAT childhood images, and then we come to something with a very specific adult meaning.

Like I said, I know it is unsolicited and I certainly don’t mean to offend. You wouldn’t be the first to tell me to mind my own business. This is a wonderful song. Powerful, even. It makes a great statement in an inviting way. It shows, not tells. Excellent job.

I appreciate this, David. I am actually having more trouble with “equipment” and “jerseys” (the latter better than “uniforms, which I ditched early on) for similar reasons. I am still looking for better options that convey “more than” just the glove/ ball/cap of the old days vs all the crap required in current days. Wish I could find a set of “one thing stands for all the things” words for that line, but no luck so far.

Though “insurance” is a sing-able word that falls nicely on the beat, your point is well-taken, and I’ll definitely have another look here, too, and see if I can’t smooth these lines a bit to boost—but not sacrifice—the theme.

Thank you— and let me know if your word- smithing turns up any suggestions! This is very helpful. 👍🏻

 

[DanvillRob]

A great song, Anne.....somewhat autobiographical?

It's like a story..... we can all visualize this woman in our heads!

[dhanners623]

6 hours ago, AnneS said:

I appreciate this, David. I am actually having more trouble with “equipment” and “jerseys” (the latter better than “uniforms, which I ditched early on) for similar reasons. I am still looking for better options that convey “more than” just the glove/ ball/cap of the old days vs all the crap required in current days. Wish I could find a set of “one thing stands for all the things” words for that line, but no luck so far.

Though “insurance” is a sing-able word that falls nicely on the beat, your point is well-taken, and I’ll definitely have another look here, too, and see if I can’t smooth these lines a bit to boost—but not sacrifice—the theme.

Thank you— and let me know if your word- smithing turns up any suggestions! This is very helpful. 👍🏻

 

I took that paragraph out of my comment after thinking about it. Every songwriter wants to re-write others’ songs, and you don’t need that from me. You do fine on your own.

That said, were it me, I’d just sing, “They quoted something ‘bout rules and what would the townsfolk say”.

For the other line, what about, “Hauling bags of equipment she’ll need through the day”? We know from the context it is sports equipment. Or, “Hauling bags of equipment she’ll need on game day”?

The kid probably hits better than I ever did….

Edited June 19, 2022 by dhanners623

[AnneS]

6 hours ago, dhanners623 said:

I took that paragraph out of my comment after thinking about it. Every songwriter wants to re-write others’ songs, and you don’t need that from me. You do fine on your own.

That said, were it me, I’d just sing, “They quoted something ‘bout rules and what would the townsfolk say”.

For the other line, what about, “Hauling bags of equipment she’ll need through the day”? We know from the context it is sports equipment. Or, “Hauling bags of equipment she’ll need on game day”?

The kid probably hits better than I ever did….

My hitting was good enough, but mostly, it was the arm.

Only the first two stanzas are straight-up autobiographical; I have no sons or granddaughter. But…two of my brothers raised 5 daughters between them, and they have told me their dads still talk about my arm… 😋

David, check the link for a couple of lyrical tweaks I made. Whatcha think? (Tomorrow I’ll try to re-record with those changes to see if they work…)

[dhanners623]

7 hours ago, AnneS said:

My hitting was good enough, but mostly, it was the arm.

Only the first two stanzas are straight-up autobiographical; I have no sons or granddaughter. But…two of my brothers raised 5 daughters between them, and they have told me their dads still talk about my arm… 😋

David, check the link for a couple of lyrical tweaks I made. Whatcha think? (Tomorrow I’ll try to re-record with those changes to see if they work…)

Read them. Works for me! Excellent job. 

[Remmuts]

Very nice job Anne!

Beautiful voice and great guitar work!

Thank you for sharing!
 

 

[AnneS]

Thanks again for the listens, all. After fixing some of the clunky phrasing, I’ve also re-recorded it (dropping it a step and a half to help with the vocals some).

Original link gets you to the revised version now, if you’re interested.

At the end of August, I’ll head for songwriting workshop in Nashville hosted by the fabulous Verlon Thompson—I can’t wait ‘til he gets a whack at this. 🤓

 

[kelly campbell]

Wow  Nice job on that Anne!  Thanks for posting it.