A Blues Primer

[Parabar]

This was on the old forum a while back, and I thought some folks might enjoy it again:

 

How to sing the Blues . . . A Primer

 

1) Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning..."

 

2) "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, 'less you stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."

 

3) The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes . . . sort of: "Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh 500 pound."

 

4) The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch-ain't no way out.

 

5) Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft an' state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

 

6) Teenagers can't sing the Blues. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

 

7) Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain.

 

8) A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cause you skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chomping on it is.

 

9) You can't have no Blues in a office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

 

10) Good places for the Blues: a) Highway; :- Jailhouse; c) Empty bed; d) Bottom of a whiskey glass. Bad places for the Blues: a) Dillard's; Gallery openings; c) Ivy League institutions; d) Golf courses

 

11) No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be a old ethnic person, and you slept in it.

 

12) Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if a) You older than dirt; B) You blind; c) You shot a man in Memphis; d) You can't be satisfied. No, if a) You have all your teeth; B) You were once blind but now can see; c) The man in Memphis lived; d) You have a 401K or trust fund.

 

13) Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Sonny Liston could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.

 

14) If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline, it's the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are a) Cheap wine; B) Whiskey or bourbon; c) Muddy water; d) Nasty black coffee. The following are NOT Blues beverages: a) Perrier; B) Chardonnay; c) Snapple; d) Slim Fast.

 

15) If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or getting liposuction.

 

16) Some Blues names for women: a) Sadie; B) Big Mama; c) Bessie; d) Fat River Dumpling

 

17) Some Blues names for men a) Joe; B) Willie; c) Little Willie; d) Big Willie

 

18) Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Debbie, and Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

 

19) Make your own Blues name Starter Kit: a) Name of physical > infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.); B) First name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.); c) Last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.); d) For example, Blind Lime Jefferson, Jakeleg Lemon Johnson or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")

 

20) It don't matter how tragic your life, if you own a computer, you cannot sing the blues.

[brad1]

Funny! And worth printing out. Thanks Parabar. :-

[tulsaslim]

Rocker & Bluesman: Rocker: "I'm really worried. Since my hair turned grey I can't get my audience to take me seriously anymore". Bluesman: "Yeah, when my hair turned grey I started charging $5 more per ticket".

 

Oh, & don't forget that you can have the blues anywhere in Texas except S. Padre Island.

[garyelcrrt1281733995]

And in Bb --

 

Woke up this morning

With the bad times blues

 

Yes, I woke up this morning

With the bad times blues

 

'Cause my bad woman woke me

First thing this morning

And now she's going for two's.

 

Oh, Viagra! Oh, oh, Viagra!

I got them Viagra Blues.

[carverman]

parabar wrote: " Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada."

 

not so Parabar... up here in the Great White North,

this winter has many of us singin' the blues...

 

 

The Great White North…Canadian Bluez

12 bar blues…pick any melon-colly key

 

Who says you can’t sing the blues anywhere in Canada!

 

Canadian Winter Blues

-----------------------------

Woke up this mornin’, with 6 foot drifts at my door,

I said I woke up this mornin’, there was 6 foot drifts at my door,

It hasn’t stopped snowin’ and my back's gettin’ sore.

 

Wanted some Canadian rye whiskey, but the bottle was dry,

I said I wanted some whiskey, and I started to cry,

It felt so cold, miserable and lonely, I jus’ wanted to die.

 

My ex’s lawyer wants the support that is due,

My bills are a-pile-ing and I haven’t a clue,

The heat’s been turned off, now my toes are getting blue,

If I don’t get my welfare soon, I’ll probably be finished here too.

 

So, I grabbed all my empties, and threw them in my truck,

I said, I collected all my empties to cash them in for some bucks

Tried to get to the beer store, but my Ford truck got stuck

Seems, if I don’t get there soon, I’ll be soon out of luck.

 

Now I’m jus’ crying and playing my Epiphone guitar,

Yes, I’m crying and playing this here Epiphone guitar..

If I had some blue paint I’d paint it, maybe some money for a jet ticket,

I’d be outta here singin’ "Blue Hawaian Skies" in tune with some cricket,

instead of this ….

 

Frozen Chilly Willy, Snowy South Saskatchewan..Blue_zzz!

 

 

 

:-

[JasonCO]

ok so thats the tip for vocals, so for the dummies how about some blues riffs

[Goldie]

ok so thats the tip for vocals' date=' so for the dummies how about some blues riffs[/quote']

 

Here try this on for size.

 

http://www.soundclick.com/util/getplayer.m3u?id=5172201&q=hi

[Notes_Norton]

Here's my contribution.... 12 bar blues in any blues key

 

'Lectric Gasoline Blues

 

Woke up this morning, feel like I'm fixin' to die

Woke up this morning, feel like I'm fixin' to die

Feel so bad this mornin', last night's the reason why

 

Asked my baby for whiskey, she gave me gasoline

Asked my baby for whiskey, she gave me gasoline

Hurt me goin' down, (woo hoo) and it burn me while I'm peein' (Note: Think Robert Johnson for the "woo hoo")

 

This gasoline inside me, is burinin' in my heart

This gasoline inside me, is burinin' up my heart

Got no money for a doctor, and my Chevy just won't start

 

Walkin' to the clinic, under a cold Chicago sky

Walkin' to the clinic, under a cold Chicago sky

So I shot a man on Memphis street, just to watch him die

 

Clinic's around the corner, but the police is waitin' there

Clinic's around the corner, but the police is waitin' there

Dis gasoline gonna blow up, (woo hoo) when it hits the 'lectric chair

 

{Guitar Solo}

 

{Sax Solo}

 

Clinic's around the corner, but the police done found me here

Clinic's around the corner, but the police done found me here

Dis gasoline gonna blow up, (break and insert Bobby Bland type scream here) when it hits that ol' 'lectric chair

{big ending}

 

© 2003 by Bobby "Blind Dubya Bush" Norton

[JEPI]

Great Stuff - For grins and more exposure to each other, can anyone throw it up on utube and do it with Epis..........? By the way, how are you guys doiing your own utube uploads? Notes - I listened to the Sophisicats site. Mucho talent there............J

[Notes_Norton]

Great Stuff - For grins and more exposure to each other' date=' can anyone throw it up on utube and do it with Epis..........? [/quote']

 

For me it's an unfortunate "no". I can't even watch utube videos without waiting a loooooooooong time for them to quit buffering.

 

The good news is that I live on a half acre of near paradise in a neighborhood where most of the lots are 50 or more acres, with a lagoon to the east and a state preserve to the west. I couldn't afford this house if I were to buy it now.

 

The bad news is that due to the fact that neither the phone nor CATV passes many homes per mile, we will be the last to get broadband. I'm stuck with something that is called DSL-Lite, and it's only about twice as fast as a dial up (still measured in KBps).

 

Notes - I listened to the Sophisicats site. Mucho talent there............J

 

Thank you very much.

 

BTW' date=' the guitar and sax parts on the demo are all synthesized. The excerpts were recorded on the gig while playing in a local restaurant/night club and then the promo talking was overdubbed. For some reason [i'](probably recording on a faux-iPod on the gig and my lack of recording experience)[/i] all the songs we did with either "real" sax or guitar came out with the sax or guitar way out of balance so I couldn't use them. What is balanced in the room is not necessarily what is balanced straight out of the PA.

 

I play music for a living. They say that when you do what you love to do for a living, you will never work a day in your life. Even though I put in up to 16 hours a day and rarely take a day off, it doesn't feel like I'm working. I'm blessed.

 

Notes

[Sheik Yerbouti]

This was on the old forum a while back' date=' and I thought some folks might enjoy it again:

 

How to sing the Blues . . . A Primer

 

1) Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning..." [b']check[/b]

 

2) "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, 'less you stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town." check

 

3) The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes . . . sort of: "Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh 500 pound." "Gotta good woman, she done me so wrong; took my fork and stole a prong" check

 

4) The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch-ain't no way out. check

 

5) Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft an' state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

Drove me a 64 Bel Air, 3 on the tree and me on the floor check

 

6) Teenagers can't sing the Blues. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis. check And/Or Texas, although they fry anyone

 

7) Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain. check Although I moved from Chicago to Lancaster, PA, and trust me, the blues are MUCH worse in Lancaster... Now I'm in Boston and not so Bluesy of a town

 

8) A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cause you skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chomping on it is. check What about breaking your leg skiing because a wolverine chased you down a hill?

 

9) You can't have no Blues in a office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster. "Got me the overhead well lit fluorescent blues" You're right, needs more character check

 

10) Good places for the Blues: a) Highway; Jailhouse; c) Empty bed; d) Bottom of a whiskey glass. Bad places for the Blues: a) Dillard's; B) Gallery openings; c) Ivy League institutions; d) Golf courses

"On the 3rd hole I hit par, an I got me a scar"again, you're dead on check

 

11) No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be a old ethnic person, and you slept in it.

- See Jake/Elwood for reference check

 

12) Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if a) You older than dirt; B) You blind; c) You shot a man in Memphis; d) You can't be satisfied. No, if a) You have all your teeth; B) You were once blind but now can see; c) The man in Memphis lived; d) You have a 401K or trust fund.

Well with the way my 401k is plummeting, I could be playing a silvertone by a dumpster in my retirement check

 

13) Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Sonny Liston could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues. SRV is a great example, not quite the Bradd Pitt of the music world, and you don't hear justin timberlake singing Terraplane Blues... check

 

14) If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline, it's the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are a) Cheap wine; B) Whiskey or bourbon; c) Muddy water; d) Nasty black coffee. The following are NOT Blues beverages: a) Perrier; B) Chardonnay; c) Snapple; d) Slim Fast.

"I got them lonesome Cullen's 2002 Chardonnay blues" or... "drinkin' Thunderbird and seein' double, 2 cops comin, I know I'm in trouble" check

 

15) If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or getting liposuction.

My honey done gone and died playin' jai alai, I know she's lookin down on me from the big ol' sky-o-aye" Yea, that sucks check

 

16) Some Blues names for women: a) Sadie; B) Big Mama; c) Bessie; d) Fat River Dumpling

Big legged Emma, Stone hearted Chessie, etc check

 

17) Some Blues names for men a) Joe; B) Willie; c) Little Willie; d) Big Willie

Slim, Big Slim, etc.. check

 

18) Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Debbie, and Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

"Boopsie, Mufffy, Holly, Chad, Tad, etc have as much blues in their soul as Richard Simmonscheck

 

19) Make your own Blues name Starter Kit: a) Name of physical > infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.); B) First name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.); c) Last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.); d) For example, Blind Lime Jefferson, Jakeleg Lemon Johnson or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")

check

20) It don't matter how tragic your life, if you own a computer, you cannot sing the blues.check... wait... ahh crap

 

 

Great post, thanks for the laugh, hope you don't mind my input.

[animalfarm]

Happy Valentines Day from 2008!!!!

 

This was OLD on the OLD Forum, which makes it like.... really old.

Duh.

 

Jes playin' with the search features!

[bigneil]

well it's new to me, i think its a great thread.

 

19) Make your own Blues name Starter Kit: a) Name of physical > infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.); B) First name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.); c) Last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.); d) For example, Blind Lime Jefferson, Jakeleg Lemon Johnson or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")

 

ok so a Scottish version of a blues name.

 

Physical injury or a Scottish poor mans name + fruit or plant that grows in scotland + the name of a brittish/scottish prime minister or prominent Scottish king or parliamentarian.

 

So. Blind gooseberry brown or limp raspberry Wallace or rickets crab-apple Salmond or Jock Rhubarb McBeth or hughie plum burns.

 

or,.. my own names and a plant Bigneil Burdock MacConnachie

 

All i need are some song words and i'm all set.

[Parabar]

Bigneil, we wants to hear dem Scottish blues with a bagpipe solo!

 

"Well I'm on the train from Glasgow, on my way to Edinburgh

Yes I'm on the train from Glasgow, on my way to Edinburgh

Gonna get myself some bagpipes, play the meanest blues you ever heard"

 

Pile on, y'all!

[RaSTuS]

Bigneil, we wants to hear dem Scottish blues with a bagpipe solo!

No, no, no, not the bagpipes, both my parents were bagpipe players, if nothing else it probably helps to explain my fragile mind.

[animalfarm]

Bigneil, we wants to hear dem Scottish blues with a bagpipe solo!

Pile on, y'all!

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZYCVo2EZRIQ

[midiman56]

Allright ... so I don't know HOW I happened to miss this one the first time around ...

 

BUT, I've been racking my brian trying to come up with "filler" between acts for the "King of the Blues" compititions which start tomorrow evening. I've already used all the old "musicians jokes" (How do you get a guiarist top turn his amp down? Put a piece of sheet music in front of him.)and I don't do magic tricks ...

 

Low and behold ... I now have the perfect material ... funny AND event-appropriate! Providance (and Parabar) is kind ... thanks!

 

Jim

[Parabar]

RaSTuS said

No, no, no, not the bagpipes, both my parents were bagpipe players, if nothing else it probably helps to explain my fragile mind.

 

Well, of course both your parents would have to be bagpipers --- who else could love a 'piper besides another one?

[RaSTuS]

RaSTuS said

 

Well, of course both your parents would have to be bagpipers --- who else could love a 'piper besides another one?

<thumbs up>