Becoming your parent's parent

[Izzy]

My mother is becoming handicapped. She can't live alone anymore. She can hardly walk to the toilet or get up from a chair or comb her hair. She recently divorced and has no home. She lived with me for a bit, but my house has no downstairs bedroom. She hates my live-in girlfriend. When we all lived together it was extremely stressful because of the animosity between them. She is in constant pain. She is now at my grandmother's. She isn't happy with her mother. She refuses to moveback while my girlfriend is here.

 

How many of you have expirience with this sort of thing? How many of you are or have been cought being a caregiver while working and going to school, or working and the kids? How do/did you handle it?

 

I always knew I'd care for my mother. I never realized it would be so soon (she's not even 60 yet) or so hard emotionally. You'd think as a nurse I'd be less naive.

[btoth76]

My mother lives with me. My parents divorced in 1995, then She basically lost everything in an unfortunate business operation. She has completely collapsed mentally. She is on constant medication since, and once in a while has to spend weeks in a hospital. It's very hard. It's exhausting both physically, both mentally...a heavy cross to carry. Not much to do about it. It needs lots of patience. Sorry, I can't say anything to cheer You up, there is no easy way to go. Bence

[retrosurfer1959]

My father is deceased, my mother is healthy and still living with her fourth husband and is doing well. Now siblings is a whole different story they've been in and out several times and I finally got smart and got a house with no spare bedrooms. If my mom ever needs it I'll support her financially but she'll live with my sister. My wife parents have there own home but financial support is required.

[Tman5293]

Since I'm only 18, I had to answer with the second choice. There is absolutely no way I could move out and live on my own. I just don't have the funds. I make my car payment and pay for gas and that's just about it. My parents cover all of my other expenses. It's a good thing they do too because I could never afford them with my job. With only $950 a month from Walmart, my money doesn't go very far.

[Bender 4 Life]

I had to pay rent on my own bedroom from the time I was 15, was "evicted" at 16, forced to move back home when Dad found out I was living w/my GF & her mom (still 16), moved out for good at 17.......I was physically,verbally,and emotionally abused from age 5.( as in: blistering my fingertips to teach me not to play with lighters, at 5 freaking years old)

what little family I have left knows this, they knew it when it was happening,and the only one brave enough to let me stay w/them when he was "in one of his moods" was my Moms Mom..... but now they make out like I'M the "bad guy" because i'm not a "dutiful son" now that Mom's gone & Dad is old.

to this day, when I visit to check on him he barely speaks to me....not had a pic of me in his house since Mom passed, I found my childhood pics in a trashpile at the curb when he cleaned out the house when Mom passed.

he's almost to the point of not being able to care for himself, but I can't do it, he's constantly armed and has already tried to shoot me twice.

 

not a clue what will happen when it's time for him to accept homecare.....nobody I know would dare attempt it.

[jdgm]

I had to pay rent on my own bedroom from the time I was 15, was "evicted" at 16, forced to move back home when Dad found out I was living w/my GF & her mom (still 16), moved out for good at 17.......I was physically,verbally,and emotionally abused from age 5.( as in: blistering my fingertips to teach me not to play with lighters, at 5 freaking years old)

what little family I have left knows this, they knew it when it was happening,and the only one brave enough to let me stay w/them when he was "in one of his moods" was my Moms Mom..... but now they make out like I'M the "bad guy" because i'm not a "dutiful son" now that Mom's gone & Dad is old.

to this day, when I visit to check on him he barely speaks to me....not had a pic of me in his house since Mom passed, I found my childhood pics in a trashpile at the curb when he cleaned out the house when Mom passed.

he's almost to the point of not being able to care for himself, but I can't do it, he's constantly armed and has already tried to shoot me twice.

 

not a clue what will happen when it's time for him to accept homecare.....nobody I know would dare attempt it.

 

Now that is a very hard thing. What a terrible situation. I too had abuse from my Dad (d.1977), though not as bad as that. These days (in U.K.) he would be imprisoned for it, even today - years after the abuse actually happened. There is nothing you can do for him and in fact you owe him nothing. He is passing on to you what happened to him probably, and the only thing that is important, which I am sure you know better than anybody, is that you cannot treat any kids you may have in the same way. There is no point in trying to make peace - he doesn't have anything to give and will never see you for what you are or might be. After he died it took me years to come to terms with my father's behaviour - I took therapy for a couple of years just to try and understand some of it.

My best wishes to you.

[kidblast]

so much sadness in some of our lives. Sorry to hear these stories.

 

My folks have both passed, My dad in 1998, my mom in 2002. My dad was very bright, and a very kind hearted man. He never lifted a hand to any of us, (me or my two sisters) even when I'm sure I deserved it. He gave us a good home, and taught me how to be an honest, caring man. he was diagnosed with Alzheimer in 94, 4 years later, he was gone. he was 76.

 

My mom was from a huge french Canadian family (she was one of 9 kids). Family was everything to her, and I still remember the massive cook outs we'd have or go to in the summers. She had to have suffered great grief through the four years of my dad's Alzheimer Disease, That was heart breaking for her. she was also 76 when she passed.

 

I can't count the times my band would be playing some place in the area around the home town, and mom and dad would just pop in, spend the night and listen to us. Really have to say, this thread makes me miss them a lot right now, I hope they are at peace and have found in other again in the next life.

[jannusguy2]

Wow. Very moving thread. You never know what's going on in another's life, what crosses they have to bear. Wishing for you all the strength to bear up and some measure of peace and happiness.

[marvar]

Both my parents are still alive- dad is 89 mom is 84, both are on walkers, mom is almost deaf-

Trying to keep track of them, taking them to the doctor, the store, picking them up when they fall down is just about like trying to herd cats-

It's been this way for the last 3 yrs, and I'm just about over it- no time at all for myself, having to change my plans to fit their schedules, I feel like I have no life-

[kidblast]

Both my parents are still alive- dad is 89 mom is 84, both are on walkers, mom is almost deaf-

Trying to keep track of them, taking them to the doctor, the store, picking them up when they fall down is just about like trying to herd cats-

It's been this way for the last 3 yrs, and I'm just about over it- no time at all for myself, having to change my plans to fit their schedules, I feel like I have no life-

 

sounds like it's a tuff time to go thru man, but,you're doing the right thing. God bless you for that.

[kidblast]

I always knew I'd care for my mother. I never realized it would be so soon (she's not even 60 yet) or so hard emotionally. You'd think as a nurse I'd be less naive.

 

Tuff situation for you Izzy, sorry you're struggling with all this BS in your life.

[milod]

Izzy...

 

I think you've raised a subject every adult is aware of, but seldom voices. Most of us will find ourselves in a variation of this at some point in our lives. Not all, but most. But until it hits us, or a number of close friends, it's not an emotional dilemma one might truly imagine.

 

You're not naive, you just ain't been there yet on a personal basis - just as others ain't been there until they've been there.

 

There are no easy answers. There are no "good" options.

 

The only options are the ones you might be able to live with and those you might not.

 

It's my observation that even the above "options" tend to be relatively temporary.

 

Joe Fletcher, who taught ethics and literally wrote the book, "Situation Ethics" ages ago, observed in one of his classroom sessions I was able to attend that, at times when there is no apparent solution, a sense of humor to find a way to make a joke of a situation is a technique that might, at least, temporarily ease the agony. That in itself might add sufficient additional perspective as to offer at least a temporary solution.

 

Sorry that the above sentences might need a careful parsing, but that hour in a classroom was an opportunity and lesson I have long remembered, treasured and found of personal value.

 

Beyond that, I have little to offer but a big sympathetic long distance digital hug.

 

m

[quapman]

I feel for you Izzy,

 

As much as Milod likes to ramble on,, ;) ,, he nailed it 100 percent. (Sorry M, lol,, just teasing :-)

 

There is no easy answer,, there is no good way. It's all bad.

 

You are not naive. There is no way to prepare for it. You just have to go through it.

 

Before my Dad passed several years ago he became incapable of caring for himself. In his times of lucidity he

was angry with his situation of not being able to stay in his home. How could we blame him. Being independent and strong your whole life and then becoming, essentially, a grown baby must be very difficult for people.

It puts tremendous stress on the family.

It's very hard to watch someone you love deteriorate like that. It's a sick helpless feeling.

 

Me and my wife were not in a position to take him in. We both worked and had a young child. He needed constant care and forcing him into a home was the only answer.

 

It really is pathetic how our society is so poorly equipped to care for our elderly.

It must be hard to retain dignity when you're swept under the carpet.

That is what I felt like we were doing when we had to move our Dad into a home.

 

Sorry to be such a downer. There is just no way to sugar coat it.

You just have to go through it.

[daveinspain]

Izzy, my mother will be 88 in January. She was living alone in the house I grew up in until she was 86... Her quality of life had been declining since about 83. My dad died in 1974, she never remarried and was always very independent. It finally got to the point it was obvious she couldn't live in the house by her self anymore. On my trips home to Boston for visits I had moved her bedroom downstairs to the dinning room and moved the dinning room down to the basement. I also installed a portable shower into the dinning room, now her bedroom, so she didn't have to go upstairs for anything. It was killing me watching her trying to pull herself up a flight of stairs... Anyway I was able to keep her at home as long as possible. Toward the end of her living in the house she had people coming in everyday helping her out. By this time she was having bad panic attacks and the isolation was very unhealthy mentally. Eventually she was taken to the hospital after one of her panic attacks. She was very confused and thought she went to the hospital because she fell down in the house. The hospital would not release her to go back to the house alone so she agreed to go to an assisted living residence. THAT WAS THE BEST THING THAT COULD HAVE HAPPENED. She hated it at first and wanted to go home but she agreed to a 2 month trail period. By the end of the trail period she had made some friends and was taking advantage of some of the social events. Long story cut short. It's not as good as home but she is well taken care of, has a social life, is well fed and has help getting up, getting dressed and going to bed. They control her medications too...

 

I would say look into a retirement home or assisted living... My mother's sister is 92 and lives in a senior housing project that is great and affordable. My mother's assisted living is criminally expensive but my mother was smart with her money and for the moment can afford to live there another year or so before we have to sell her house... It's very sad to see you parents get old and dependent on other's. You worry if they are being treated well and what it must be like to be in that position with not too much to look forward to. Sometimes it makes me cry.

[MissouriPicker]

My folks are both almost 90 now. Married 68 years. They live four houses up the street from us. They're very independent. Do most everything for themselves, but I call them regularly, go up there with the grandkids, go out to eat with them, family functions, etc. They're at our house a lot and we're at their's. I do quite-a-bit for my parents, even though they rarely ask for anything. I believe I have an obligation and I believe they are pleased to see that I think that. I think as parents grow older it is only natural that there is a degree of stress for their adult children, but it's better the stress is on the children than the parents. I do worry about them. I worry about which one will be left alone. Maybe part of the worry is how I will handle caring for just one of them........My mother-in-law lived with us for her last four years. My wife and I took care of her. Was it easy? Sometimes it was no big deal. Other times it was difficult. I'm glad we did it. I'm glad for my wife and for her mother..........Life happens and every second we get older. If life doesn't happen, we're dead. Good topic..............and for me, music plays a big part of this. I couldn't count the number of times that playing a guitar has eased my mind.

[Buxom]

My mom lives with/depends on me.

[Izzy]

@ quap

 

Coming from a latin family, it seems inconceivable to send a parent into a nursing home. Add to that me working in a hospital and having to tend to bed sores acquired at nursing homes; it is enough to freak me out and never consider it an option. Then you think about the reality of taking care of a parent who is completely dependent, possibly breaking downmentally, and not having the money to "let the wife stay home with dad." What other option is there? Toughest choice ever.

 

@daveinspain

 

It has often occured to me that the elderly who are still mentally sound may find assisted living fun because they get their own room and make choices while being looked after and having a chance to make friends they can relate to. Very glad you confirmed that theory. My mom may be too disabled for that.

 

@ milod

 

thanks for the hug and the wisdom <(^^<)*hugs back

 

I'm sorry if I brought any of you down, but sometimes its good to know you're not alone.

I am only 33, most of my friends don't have to deal with this. Their parents work and are independent stil.

It makes me feel robed a bit. I was thinking about adopting a small child upon graduation but now I think, "man, with mom in her position I may not have the energy for a child of my own."

[quapman]

@ quap

 

Coming from a latin family, it seems inconceivable to send a parent into a nursing home. Add to that me working in a hospital and having to tend to bed sores acquired at nursing homes; it is enough to freak me out and never consider it an option. Then you think about the reality of taking care of a parent who is completely dependent, possibly breaking downmentally, and not having the money to "let the wife stay home with dad." What other option is there? Toughest choice ever.

 

 

 

Thanks for understanding. Yes, financially impossible for us. The choice was physically sickening.

And I will never forget the look on his face.

There are societies on this planet who nurture and care for the elderly. Not here in North America.

Here it is wealth that does the nurturing.

[milod]

Quap...

 

I don't personally "blame" North American or European society - and others are rapidly hitting the same place. It's a matter of our general "up-to-date" culture that has focus on the nuclear and not extended family.

 

It's a nuclear family, too, that is designed in a day-to-day environment that is structured against the extended family in every way. Except for a few farmers and ranchers, you don't take the baby or toddler to work whether you're male or female.

 

An independent single (and/or couple) gets up in the morning, does a morning ritual and goes alone to work. He/she/they return, eat food somehow, do some cleaning and/or/entertainment and then goes to bed only to replay the previous day.

 

A "family" with physically dependent members doesn't fit so well. There is day care for both children and adults, but that adds significant time overhead. At a point, it may pass even that. "Children" are supposed to mirror their parents "work" with their school day. That's the model. Anything outside that model is difficult at best.

 

The era of a "housewife" is long past. "We" have decided to double our workforce by encouraging all females to work, whether they have physical dependents or not. Our paychecks functionally are half what they were in 1950 because of the doubled workforce and ... now we have to find solutions for our physically dependent outside the home or if we're really wealthy, with an in-home full-time caregiver.

 

Having come from a family with strong women who worked outside the home long before it was a cultural imperative, I can state categorically that making value judgments at this point are irrelevant. "We" all are educated by our culture to have some other "work" than keeping house and caregiving - or become perceived as having lesser internal worth as a person. So "we" hire day cares, home care nurses, etc., etc., assuming "we" have the cash.

 

Where's the culture going? I dunno. But I have a strong hunch that in the long term, assisted "termination" will lose its reputation as nasty. More folks I know in my general age group would far prefer being "gone" than being less than we have been and, through the grace of providence, still remain.

 

Increasingly, I think, the tale of the aging Sybil of Cumae is the tale of most of us; the "gods" might give us extended life, but at what point is it no longer to our benefit or sincere wishes?

 

m

[Rocky4]

I sympathize with you that are going through such rough times. I guess I had it easy. My mom went to the hospital for radiation and died three weeks later. My dad had a three month cycle of bouncing back from home, the nursing home, and hospital. It was rough, but I don't know if I could handle a long term care situation.

[Bender 4 Life]

@ quap

 

Coming from a latin family, it seems inconceivable to send a parent into a nursing home. Add to that me working in a hospital and having to tend to bed sores acquired at nursing homes; it is enough to freak me out and never consider it an option. Then you think about the reality of taking care of a parent who is completely dependent, possibly breaking downmentally, and not having the money to "let the wife stay home with dad." What other option is there? Toughest choice ever.

 

@daveinspain

 

It has often occured to me that the elderly who are still mentally sound may find assisted living fun because they get their own room and make choices while being looked after and having a chance to make friends they can relate to. Very glad you confirmed that theory. My mom may be too disabled for that.

 

@ milod

 

thanks for the hug and the wisdom <(^^<)*hugs back

 

I'm sorry if I brought any of you down, but sometimes its good to know you're not alone.

I am only 33, most of my friends don't have to deal with this. Their parents work and are independent stil.

It makes me feel robed a bit. I was thinking about adopting a small child upon graduation but now I think, "man, with mom in her position I may not have the energy for a child of my own."

 

 

Izz, it's also a HUGE cultural thing down here in the South to let our forebears "age out" at home, regardless of whatever strain it puts on a family, i've personally seen it cause the caretakers(usually 2-5 relatives) to turn on each other like wolves. Some times everything goes' smoothly, sometimes it doesn't, & was it Milo that pointed out that situations with elder care change often & mostly w/o warning?

I really feel for you getting hit w/this so young, and I hope it all works out for you & your Mom.

[stein]

This thread is deep- and I think it's a damned good question. And I think also it isn't one question, but many.

 

I am remembering, when I was a bit younger and besides that, was at a rare place in life where I had it all in place: retirement, insurance, the works. I even had a plot to be buried in. I had an experience doing some work in a retirement joint, and I wondered how I would handle it when they took my driver's licence away and locked me up.

 

I decided I would take 2 of my favorite things- Cadillacs and guitars, collect them, and stash them away in secret storage places so they couldn't repossess them. In each, one Caddy with a guitar and amp in the trunk. I would then escape from the retirement home, and run free until they caught me. What are they gonna do? Put me in jail? The more "secret lockers" I could stash away, the more escapes I could have. I could do it every so often. It would also make me the coolest guy in the old folks home, and certainly help in the "ladies department".

 

Back to reality. I think that it is easy to to make moral or ethical arguments out of it. But then when it comes down to it, you CAN'T have an across-the-board solution. Some parents would be resentful, and hurt by being cast away to strangers. Others would be happier and want to be out of the way and not a burdon on loved ones.

 

It can put your life on hold. But- is it holding you back from life? Or, is it PART of life?

 

A bigger but separate question comes into play about your RELATIONSHIP with the kid or parent. On the one hand, you are supposed to repect your parents as the wiser. On the other hand, you should be raised, and the parents should respect you and what you choose to become, and be able to abide by YOUR decisions. If the parent chooses to be difficult and make life hell, they deserve to get the boot? They kinda have an obligation to get along. But, they put up with us when WE were the dependant, so we should put up with them. But then again, and adult and elderly SHOULD be wiser and smarter than child/adult.

 

The more I question and learn, the further away the answer is.

[kidblast]

This thread is deep- and I think it's a damned good question. And I think also it isn't one question, but many.

 

I am remembering, when I was a bit younger and besides that, was at a rare place in life where I had it all in place: retirement, insurance, the works. I even had a plot to be buried in. I had an experience doing some work in a retirement joint, and I wondered how I would handle it when they took my driver's licence away and locked me up.

 

I decided I would take 2 of my favorite things- Cadillacs and guitars, collect them, and stash them away in secret storage places so they couldn't repossess them. In each, one Caddy with a guitar and amp in the trunk. I would then escape from the retirement home, and run free until they caught me. What are they gonna do? Put me in jail? The more "secret lockers" I could stash away, the more escapes I could have. I could do it every so often. It would also make me the coolest guy in the old folks home, and certainly help in the "ladies department".

 

Back to reality. I think that it is easy to to make moral or ethical arguments out of it. But then when it comes down to it, you CAN'T have an across-the-board solution. Some parents would be resentful, and hurt by being cast away to strangers. Others would be happier and want to be out of the way and not a burdon on loved ones.

 

It can put your life on hold. But- is it holding you back from life? Or, is it PART of life?

 

A bigger but separate question comes into play about your RELATIONSHIP with the kid or parent. On the one hand, you are supposed to repect your parents as the wiser. On the other hand, you should be raised, and the parents should respect you and what you choose to become, and be able to abide by YOUR decisions. If the parent chooses to be difficult and make life hell, they deserve to get the boot? They kinda have an obligation to get along. But, they put up with us when WE were the dependant, so we should put up with them. But then again, and adult and elderly SHOULD be wiser and smarter than child/adult.

 

The more I question and learn, the further away the answer is.

 

 

That was a great reply Mister Stein, well said, and I loved your ploy with the escape lockers! That was just Brilliant! LOL!!

[stein]

That was a great reply Mister Stein, well said, and I loved your ploy with the escape lockers! That was just Brilliant! LOL!!

Thank you, sir.

[milod]

As I noted, it ain't easy, there ain't any good answer.

 

Honestly, I think all technological societies are discovering how the paradigms of the pre-technological order of life clash with expectations of the economics of our digital device era.

 

It's yet another reason I figure a lotta current "politics" in all our countries are in foundational error: they're operating on 19th Century paradigms in a culture with the economics, technology and populations of the 21st Century.

 

I do NOT want this considered in a partisan manner. All of "us" are as uncomfortable looking forward to family and social ethics in a macrocosm as Izzy's agonizing dilemma is for each of us in microcosm.

 

In the narrow sense, this question is one of "health care" ethics in a cultural paradigm unimagined by folks centuries ago where a working-age caregiver almost certainly was available in "the home." Or ... folks simply died in a mode least obvious and troubling to their cultures at the time.

 

Culture has changed more the past 60-70 years of technological and population explosions than in the shift of the neolithic to the 19th Century industrial age.

 

Yet "we" evade the types of question Izzy asks - until "we" are thrust into such dilemmas. And then ... we discover the older dispensations no longer carry relevant answers.

 

m