Izzy Posted June 14, 2013 Share Posted June 14, 2013 The last thread didn't get posted right...here it goes again. As some of you know, I've been working with a drummer I like a lot. He is a good player and a gentleman. He is legally blind and feels his way about his place but can see shadows. At GC he was helpless without me to guide him, it seemed. He has pictures on his walls of girls, tasteful photos, which, when I inquired, were revealed to have been his work. "From when I wasn't so blind." On our way back from GC last week I said, "too bad you're not working anymore. I'd love to model for you." He said he could still set it all up and take pics. Out of 100 1 or 2 may be good, right? I said, "I'll bring my firned who is a makeup artist." I don't get naked or semi-naked for any man for art's sake without a trusted third party present, that's common sense. Last night I mentioned the man to my make-up artist friend and she decides to look for his portfolio/work online. She calls me this morning, "your drummer is a sex offender." I wanted to think it wasn't him, but I searched and his pic came up by his name. I wanted to believe it was a minor thing, like he got cought in an adult cinema or he was taking a leak outside a bar and the cops cought him...but I looked up what first degree sexual abuse is and its not a little nothing offence. I am so conflicted. Yes, he was looking on craigslist for a female singer/songwriter, but he has been working hard on the music and he gave me his real name. He registered and everything. Am I a jerk if I stop working with him? Would you let your wife or daughter keep on with a man with that in the past? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Farnsbarns Posted June 14, 2013 Share Posted June 14, 2013 I would walk away, I'm pretty sure sex offenders are not supposed to offer to do nude photography, and if that's what he did for a living, and was a sex offender, one can be forgiven for thinking the two might be connected. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dbreslauer Posted June 14, 2013 Share Posted June 14, 2013 Am I a jerk if I stop working with him? Would you let your wife or daughter keep on with a man with that in the past? don't walk away, RUN. You're better off just finding another drummer than risking yourself. it may sound cold, but i would not let my loved ones anywhere near. they're registered for a reason. stay safe! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RowdyMoon Posted June 14, 2013 Share Posted June 14, 2013 Run...f*&ckin run...your life and reputation are far to valuable to risk a chance or what if situation....maybe he's harmless.................................but maybe he's not!!! is it worth the risk?...to many ****tards out there to risk it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Izzy Posted June 14, 2013 Author Share Posted June 14, 2013 Yeah, I've already decided to let go of this amazing muscician. I just feel so terrible. He took the time to register and he didn't lie about his name. I'm just lucky my friend looked and found the information. I don't know why I feel so guility. I don't even know how to tell him because we were getting on SO well. (Yikes, I sound like such a moron!) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rocketman Posted June 14, 2013 Share Posted June 14, 2013 Don't feel sorry, especially after you made a decision, which I feel is the right one. Even if it was a small thing, who's to know that it would not have escalated into a big thing with you involved? However small an offense, sex offenders are ALL registered for a reason. They all should know better before they do anything, even if it's "small." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
milod Posted June 14, 2013 Share Posted June 14, 2013 Izzy... This afternoon I attended the sentencing for a guy who's a multiple loser as a sex offender. In this case a mid-teen girl. Were I you, I'd not even come close again. That's likely not fair. But as you said, this ain't getting caught peeing from a boat while drinking too much beer while fishing. I figure the guy they sentenced today may end his life in the pen. But were he out... even his defense attorney basically said he needs to be behind bars for a long time. So... I think all the guys here would prefer to see you safer, if even by a slight percentage, than running unnecessary risk. Again, that may not be fair. But life ain't always. m Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
charlie brown Posted June 14, 2013 Share Posted June 14, 2013 Izzy, there are good drummers out there, that ARE NOT "Sex offenders!" Change your locks, change your phone number, and anything else, he knows about! (I'm dead serious, about this!) Seeming to be "helpless," even "blind" (around you) may be only his MODUS OPERANDI. True, it may not be? BUT, WHY!!!...take the chance?! Watch some "Law & Order SVU" episodes, some time. Fiction, but taken or inspired by real events, quite often. Or, better yet, ask some of your "cop" friends. Sex Offenders RARELY change their habits, at least, for very long! Get Away, from him...PLEASE! CB Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
quapman Posted June 14, 2013 Share Posted June 14, 2013 He has pictures on his walls of girls, tasteful photos, which, when I inquired, were revealed to have been his work. "From when I wasn't so blind." Am I a jerk if I stop working with him? Would you let your wife or daughter keep on with a man with that in the past? Izzy this is a no brainer. There is no possible way to be a jerk by simply protecting yourself. You did the right thing. These pictures of his "work". Did he sell his "work" or are they simply trophies on his wall. Let it go Izzy. It's nothing. You protected yourself. There is no shame in that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Valeriy Posted June 14, 2013 Share Posted June 14, 2013 What at you occurs, Izzy? I remember your thread about the found drummer. Of course, I'm not your husband or relative, but I am also worried . And you're not just a musician, a singer and a songwriter etc :) . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Izzy Posted June 14, 2013 Author Share Posted June 14, 2013 Its strange but I was expecting at least one guy here to give the bennefit of the doubt or to say, "ask him about it." I've let it go and he knows nothing about me save my phone number and email address. He never came to my house and I never gave him my full name. He has my FB name which is a fake name with no info on where I work or went to school, etc... He knows I live with someone and my mom. I think I'm safe. I don't know if I should be polite and tell him, "I can't work with you," or just stop answering his calls. Nothing he could say would sway me from retreating. I guess the politeness in me goes too far. That's what gets people in trouble sometimes. Thanks for your imput. I feel a lot better being a cold person and not giving him the benefit of the doubt. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
milod Posted June 14, 2013 Share Posted June 14, 2013 Izzy... You ain't cold or you wouldn't be a nurse... But you use a mask and gloves for protection... m Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Valeriy Posted June 14, 2013 Share Posted June 14, 2013 Its strange but I was expecting at least one guy here to give the bennefit of the doubt or to say, "ask him about it." Well... such advice, probably, is more possible from women. And men rather were frightened a little for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
badbluesplayer Posted June 14, 2013 Share Posted June 14, 2013 Yeah - you're better off just "heading in another direction" or whatever band people say when they want to change personnel. In a few years, when you look back at your first "band" experiences, you'll be happy for it. You don't have to be judgmental about the guy or feel sorry for him. You both have your separate life's battles to fight. He's got himself in a bad place. That's the way it goes. I kind of don't like the disproportionality of punishment that some of these low end sex offences carry. I'm not sure if "jerkin the gerkin" in a parking lot when you're a young guy is so bad that you have to be lumped in with pedophiles and endure a lifetime of probationary status. But that's not my battle to fight. Weird dilemma. Kind of. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Searcy Posted June 14, 2013 Share Posted June 14, 2013 Maybe this guy is trying to start over. Maybe this guy has changed his ways. Maybe this was all just a big misunderstanding. ...or maybe he's a registered and convicted sex offender who's trying to get a girl he met on Graig's List into a vulnerable position alone in his apartment. Better safe than sorry. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CindyC Posted June 14, 2013 Share Posted June 14, 2013 Izzy, I have two daughters and I would not let either of them have another thing to do with this person. If all was innocent with him he would have most likely been honest with you and told you about his "offense". Especially since it was so easily discoverable. The fact he was looking for a female singer to work with is alarming given his background. I'm suspecting he is very slick with how he has disclosed his photography ability to you making you feel it was all your idea to pose for him. The legally blind thing is most likely a bunch of bull as well. You lucky your friend did some research on him. If you need to tell him anything, tell him the truth. In fact I think I would probably go and tell the cops the truth too. He's going to be lurking after some other innocent girl if not. It's their pattern most sex offenders keep offending till someone stops them. I'm glad your ok, your a pretty and very petite girl it wouldn't take much for a man to overtake you. Good luck I'm sure you'll find another drummer. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Farnsbarns Posted June 14, 2013 Share Posted June 14, 2013 I agree with Cindy. I think you should report this to the police. You're only providing facts, let them decide if he's broken his conditions, if there is any similarity to his past MO they can do something to keep the next kind lady safe. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
charlie brown Posted June 14, 2013 Share Posted June 14, 2013 Its strange but I was expecting at least one guy here to give the bennefit of the doubt or to say, "ask him about it." I've let it go and he knows nothing about me save my phone number and email address. He never came to my house and I never gave him my full name. He has my FB name which is a fake name with no info on where I work or went to school, etc... He knows I live with someone and my mom. I think I'm safe. I don't know if I should be polite and tell him, "I can't work with you," or just stop answering his calls. Nothing he could say would sway me from retreating. I guess the politeness in me goes too far. That's what gets people in trouble sometimes. Thanks for your imput. I feel a lot better being a cold person and not giving him the benefit of the doubt. You shouldn't even HAVE to "ask him" about something like that!!! He should have been "up front" with you, regarding that, from the beginning. He wasn't, so you have NOTHING to "feel bad" about, at all! Being, and Staying "safe," is not being "Cold" or "unkind." It's being pragmatic, and SMART! Best of luck, always...and, I hope you'll continue to search for other (honest, and non-threatening) musicians, to work with. They're out there!! CB Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Searcy Posted June 14, 2013 Share Posted June 14, 2013 I think reporting him to the cops is jumping the gun. He didn't actually do anything and the incident wasn't really even his idea so what are you going to report? As for him telling everyone he meets up front that he's a registered sex offender, well... that's just never going to happen and why should it? I mean that's what the registry is for. I would likely tell him that I won't be coming around any more and why. I'd also tell him that in the future he might want to think about how these sort of choices he's made lately look in light of his past. Then I'd tell him to never call me again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
charlie brown Posted June 14, 2013 Share Posted June 14, 2013 Searcy may be right, but depending on his "offense," he may be breaking his parole/release conditions, doing what he's is already doing? YOU don't know, and without your friend's (very wise) checking on him, probably would NEVER have known...until it was too late, that is. I agree, that you may not/don't really have anything (that was actually done to you) to report, but...again, depending on what the conditions of his parole/release are, you may have just been "lucky?" Sorry, if I sound too "cynical," but one cannot be "too careful," with these folks, IMHO. After all...Someone not being careful enough, is what got them (and, by his act) him, into trouble, in the first place. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Riffster Posted June 14, 2013 Share Posted June 14, 2013 sex offenders are ALL registered for a reason. This, the reason they are registered and their faces, names and addresses are public is because they tend to be repeat offenders. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Riptide Posted June 14, 2013 Share Posted June 14, 2013 If you were my sister I'd tell you to stay the heck away! And then I would contact the man and tell him why you weren't going to have anything to do with him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malchik Posted June 14, 2013 Share Posted June 14, 2013 This, the reason they are registered and their faces, names and addresses are public is because they tend to be repeat offenders. Type 1 means he's a one time offender. If I were a nude photography, I'd actually make sure to have a second individual just for my safety. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Izzy Posted June 14, 2013 Author Share Posted June 14, 2013 Two things: One: I give people the benefit of the doubt and I felt terrible being prejudice but consider the following... Lets say one of you was a convicted sex offender and you were 100% innocent. Would you post on CL looking for a female singer and then offer to take pics of her? If I had bee convicted of molesting a little boy I can assure you I would STAY AWAY from kids. I wouldn't put out an ad as a babysitter. This is weather you're a perv or not...if you don't want to be in trouble over that sort of thing ever again, you stay out of situations that may lead someone to accuse you. All the more if you really are a perv and want to keep temptation at bay. Another thing: I called and told him I couldn't work with him because my friend, "found your profile." He was very calm and asked, "why would that impede us from making a band?" "I don't feel comfortable. I know there may be an explanation and justifications but I can't work with you." "There is an explanation, but it is your choice." "I do wish you luck. Goodbye." He didn't try to tell me a story or explain, and he knew at once what the deal was. I am glad we severed clean and without drama. I do wish him luck finding a musical partner but I think he'd be better off meeting MEN and not women. Back to being a one girl band. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
charlie brown Posted June 14, 2013 Share Posted June 14, 2013 Well, Izzy...it's good to give "benefit of the doubt," in SOME cases. Especially, if they are "above board," and honest, to begin with! But, "when in (real) doubt, move on out!" Good for you!! Don't worry, there are plenty of good (not perv) musicians you can work with. Keep the faith! Also, I've done my fair share of "Model (Clothed and unclothed) photography" and I ALWAYS have (at least) 2 people, with me (stylist & makeup/hair), and the models have someone with them (especially, on a first time situation), that they trust, as well. You have to, nowadays! CB Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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