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capmaster

By capmaster
in The Gibson Lounge

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capmaster

capmaster

Posted
Posted

In a studio recorder web forum, I found this one posted by a member from Oz. Quoting names, it seems authentic to me, and I fear it also applies to people ruling other countries of the world.

 

Quote:

 

A DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of 'why' America is in trouble!

 

 

1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane).

 

2. I got a call from a Kansas Congressman's (Moore) staffer (Howard Bauleke), who wanted to go to Cape Town. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then he interrupted me with, ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts.'' Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, ''Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa His response -- click.

 

 

3. A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called, furious about a Florida package we sold to him. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, 'don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!'' (OMG).

 

 

4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife (Landra Reid) who asked, ''Is it possible to see England from Canada ?''

 

I said, ''No.''

 

She said, ''But they look so close on the map.'' (OMG, again).

 

 

5. An aide for a cabinet member (Janet Napolitano) called and asked if

he could rent a car in Dallas . I pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.'' (Aghhhh).

 

 

6. An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m. I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.

 

 

7. A New York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked, ''Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?' ' I said, 'No, why do you ask?' He replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!'' After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, Ca. is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage.

 

8. Senator John Kerry's aide (Lindsay Ross) called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii . After going over all the cost info, she asked, ''Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii ?'' (funny).

 

 

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby Bright (D) from Alaska who asked, ''How do I know which plane to get on?

 

I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.

 

 

10. Senator Dianne Feinstein (D) called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida . Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?'' I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola , FL on a commuter plane. She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''

 

 

11. Mary Landrieu (D) La. Senator called and had a question about the documents she needed in order to fly to China . After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa. 'Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.'' I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa. When I told her this she said, ''Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!''

 

 

12. A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make reservations, ''I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York.'' I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name of the town?'' 'Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the man. After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, sir, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a rhino anywhere."

 

''The man retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!'' So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ''You don't mean Buffalo ,do you?''

 

The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.''

 

 

Now you know why the Government is in the shape that it's in! Could anyone be this DUMB?

 

YES, THEY WALK AMONG US, ARE IN POLITICS, AND THEY CONTINUE TO BREED.

 

End of Quote

 

I think there's no further comment required [unsure]

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badbluesplayer

badbluesplayer

Posted
Posted

We ain't quite that stupid. [laugh] I think they're pretty much all Democrats on that list and you fell for some kind of underhanded political stuff.

 

What's the difference between libel and slander again?

 

BTW, today is election day over here and the political shenanigans are getting pretty crazy.

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rct

rct

Posted
Posted

1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane).

 

What a stupid lead. Anyone that has been on more than one airplane knows that the window seat is a bit cramped and hunched if you are even of average height, and an expensive hair did is definitely going to get messed up sitting there.

 

The work of unemployed bloggers.

 

rct

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rct

rct

Posted
Posted

On a related note, this morning I had the pleasure of chatting with Cunard(pronounced Q nahd) boat people about some transportation stuff. krist I needed half the lounge to help translate all the accents and chippers and tally hos and stuff.

 

rct

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L8_4thesh0w

L8_4thesh0w

Posted
Posted

Here are a couple, non-air related, that are verifiable. The worst part is who uttered the quotes.

 

"You work three jobs? ... Uniquely American, isn't it? I mean, that is fantastic that you're doing that." --George W. Bush --to a divorced mother of three, Omaha, Nebraska, Feb. 4, 2005

 

"I've abandoned free market principles to save the free market system." --George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Dec. 16, 2008

 

NOW GO VOTE

 

Σß

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IanHenry

IanHenry

Posted
Posted

Well in the U.K, we had an Education Minister (sorry, can't remember which one) who declared that 60% of children in this country are receiving a below average education. Of course Teachers (who he was indirectly criticising) had a field day with that one!

 

 

Ian

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Marshall Paul

Marshall Paul

Posted
Posted

I worked for an airline for over 18 years. I've seen and heard some stuff too unbelievable to even attempt to explain here. :rolleyes:

 

 

 

 

 

 

I CAN believe it. I was a pilot (now retired) and once had a passenger who managed to get a door open shortly after take-off and nearly stepped out into oblivion. His reason for doing so? He forgot to pack his...wait for it...toothbrush, and wanted to go back to get it! Really happened (2002). They're out there!

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saturn

saturn

Posted
Posted

The problem with trying to tell a lot of airline stories is that it takes so much effort to explain terminology and stuff for people that never worked there. I'll try to tell one funny story that isn't too hard to explain for lay people. :rolleyes:

 

We had a cancelled flight to New York's Laguardia (LGA) airport. Now every knows of NYers reputation for being aggressive and even bullyish. They will walk all over you if you let them. But I used to kinda like dealing with NYers, cause you could give it right back to them and they just took it in stride. They actually repected you more once you stood up to them. Unlike some people from other parts of the world who would get all offended. Well this one NY passenger was mad because the flight cancelled and was really taking it out on this mild mannered agent we had working there. He was being loud and abusive as the agent was doing his best to get the guy re-booked onto another flight. Finally the agent got so frustrated he signed out of his computer and said "I don't have to take this sh!t" and walked away leaving the guy standing there. Well, the agent who was working right beside all this, finished up with his passenger and said to the obnoxious man that he would try to help him if he settles down. The passenger just matter-of-factly said "oh don't worry. That other guy is helping me but he just had to go take a sh!t. He's coming right back" [unsure] Charlie had to tactfully make him understand that's not what he said and he wasn't coming back to help. [biggrin]

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L8_4thesh0w

L8_4thesh0w

Posted
Posted

After every flight, Quantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, then the pilots review the gripe sheets right before the next flight.

 

Here are some of the actual maintenance complaints (problems) submitted by the Qantas' pilots (as marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (as marked with an S) by the maintenance engineers. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

 

By the way, it is relevant to note that Qantas is the only major airline in the world that has never, ever, had an accident!

 

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

 

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

 

P: Something loose in the cockpit.

S: Something tightened in the cockpit.

 

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on backorder.

 

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

 

P: Evidence of a leak on the right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

 

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume reset to a more believable level.

 

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what friction locks are for.

 

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

 

P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.

 

P: The number 3 engine is missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after a brief search.

 

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

 

P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

 

P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.

 

P: Noise coming from under the instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from the midget.

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L8_4thesh0w

L8_4thesh0w

Posted
Posted

Aviation Truisms

 

 

"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death... I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing." - Sign at the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena, Japan

 

"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3." - Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)

 

"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."

 

"Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky." -from an old carrier sailor

 

"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."

 

"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, the pilot dies."

 

"Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight."

 

"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"

 

Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII: "When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavour to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slowly and gently as possible."

 

"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you." - attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)

 

"A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum." - Jon McBride, astronaut

 

"If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible." - Bob Hoover (renowned aerobatic and test pilot)

 

"Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you."

 

"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime." - Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970

 

"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."

 

Basic Flying Rules:

"Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there."

 

"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal."

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  • 2 weeks later...
Marshall Paul

Marshall Paul

Posted
Posted

"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death... I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing." - Sign at the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena, Japan.

 

Very true. We had a similar squadron moto. Here's another about this particular bird.

 

One day, ATC get a call from a 71 requesting a particular flight level.

"Santa Anna Control, AF71 on hand-over, requesting flight level eight zero" (FL80 or eighty thousand feet!!).

"AF71, Anna Control, negative at this time, standby this frequency for further" (snigger snigger from the boys at ATC).

some time later...

"Anna Control, AF71 requesting FL80 for further en-route"

"AF71, negative, maintain present flight level" (laughs all round the ATC room).

a little later...

"Anna Control, AF71 present position for Wright Pat, request FL80!"

finally relenting, "AF71, Anna Control, request approved, climb, maintain FL80"

"Anna Control, AF71 rodger, decending out of 120,00 feet for FL80"!!!! [biggrin]

...all quiet on anna control frequency. :unsure:

True, actually happened.

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