ksdaddy Posted April 19, 2022 Share Posted April 19, 2022 On 4/14/2022 at 5:45 PM, MissouriPicker said: I asked him how he was doing. He said he was doing fine and that he had plenty of fish sticks in the freezer. I have no idea what that means but I have every intention of using it the next time someone asks me how I'm doing. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr. Natural Posted April 20, 2022 Share Posted April 20, 2022 15 hours ago, ksdaddy said: I have no idea what that means but I have every intention of using it the next time someone asks me how I'm doing. I'm at an age that when someone asks me how I'm doing, I tell them, "Well, I'm not buying any green bananas." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
merciful-evans Posted April 20, 2022 Share Posted April 20, 2022 I got rid of my vacuum cleaner. It was just gathering dust. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
merciful-evans Posted April 21, 2022 Share Posted April 21, 2022 The drummer had twin daughters. Their names: Anna One, Anna Two 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Whitefang Posted April 21, 2022 Share Posted April 21, 2022 https://comicskingdom.com/Mother-Goose-Grimm Whitefang Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gearbasher Posted April 22, 2022 Share Posted April 22, 2022 What's the difference between olive oil and virgin olive oil? Popeye 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Whitefang Posted April 22, 2022 Share Posted April 22, 2022 Why did Beethoven get rid of all his chickens? Because all they kept saying was, "Bach, Bach, Bach!" Obviously before he lost is hearing. Whitefang Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
merciful-evans Posted April 25, 2022 Share Posted April 25, 2022 The ironing board: A surf board that gave up on it's dreams and got a job. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Whitefang Posted April 30, 2022 Share Posted April 30, 2022 2 hours ago, ghost_of_fl said: Public School: shut the f--k up and square dance That's basically what they say when, after being goaded by them to "get involved" , if that involvement concerns the areas of questioning one of the teacher's classroom conduct or competency, or challenges the school's curriculum. Vent over. Back to the jokes. Whitefang Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
merciful-evans Posted April 30, 2022 Share Posted April 30, 2022 A plateau is the highest form of flattery 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gdecantoo Posted May 3, 2022 Share Posted May 3, 2022 There are repercussions when drummers come out of retirement. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
merciful-evans Posted May 5, 2022 Share Posted May 5, 2022 Explaining puns to kleptomaniacs is hard, because they always take things literally 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gearbasher Posted May 12, 2022 Share Posted May 12, 2022 Kentucky Derby winner, Rich Strike turned down an invitation to meet Joe Biden at the White House. When asked: "Why?" Rich Strike said: "If I wanted to see a horse's @ss, I would have finished second. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
merciful-evans Posted May 13, 2022 Share Posted May 13, 2022 Time flies like an arrow fruit flies like a banana. 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissouriPicker Posted May 14, 2022 Share Posted May 14, 2022 This cowboy shows-up at The Pearly Gates and St. Peter asks, “Have you done anything of merit that qualifies you to enter heaven?” The cowboys says, “Well, one time I saw this biker gang taking all this stuff out of a convenience store and not paying for it. The store clerk was terrified. So, I jumped off of my horse, grabbed the biggest biker, slapped him and yelled that if they didn’t stop I’d beat the crap out of all of them.” St. Peter says, “OMG! That is amazing. When did this happen?” The cowboy says, “Just a couple minutes ago.” 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gearbasher Posted May 14, 2022 Share Posted May 14, 2022 (edited) On the subject of heaven and St. Peter: Three guys show up at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter tells them them that everyone gets a car in heaven and all they need to do is honestly answer one question. St. Pete asks the first guy: "Did you ever cheat on your wife?" The man's reply was: "Every chance I could get!" St. Peter gives him a set of keys and says he gets a beat up Yugo . St, Peter asks the second guy: "Have you ever cheated on your wife?" The second guy replies: "I had only one moment of weakness and cheated on her that one time." St, Peter hands him a set of keys and says he gets to drive a Toyota Camry. St. Peter asks the last guy the same question. The last guy says: "I am proud to say, in 50 years of marriage, I have never even thought about cheating on my beloved wife." St. Peter hands him the keys to a Rolls Royce. About a month later, the guy with the Yugo pulls up next to the guy with the Rolls Royce and sees him crying. The guy in the Yugo says: I'm driving around in this piece of crap car and you have that beautiful Rolls. Why would you be crying? The man in the Rolls replies: "My wife just arrived and she's on roller skates." Edited May 14, 2022 by gearbasher 1 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gearbasher Posted May 14, 2022 Share Posted May 14, 2022 And on the subject of marital infidelity: A farmer and his wife just celebrated their 65th Wedding Anniversary. When getting into bed that night the farmer says to his wife, "On our wedding night, you put a box under the bed and asked me never to look in the box or ask you about it. Well, we've been married for 65 years and I've always been curious and never once asked or looked. Can I finally see what's in the box?" The wife reaches under the bed and hands the box to her husband and tells him that he is welcome to look. The farmer opens the box and finds two ears of corn and $65,000. The farmer asks, " What's with the corn?" His wife replies: "I'm embarrassed to say that every time I cheated on you I put an ear of corn in the box." The farmer says; "Twice in 65 years isn't so bad. But, what about the $65,000?" The wife says: "Well....every time I got a bushel of corn I sold it." 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr. Gibson Posted May 14, 2022 Author Share Posted May 14, 2022 1 hour ago, MissouriPicker said: This cowboy shows-up at The Pearly Gates and St. Peter asks, “Have you done anything of merit that qualifies you to enter heaven?” The cowboys says, “Well, one time I saw this biker gang taking all this stuff out of a convenience store and not paying for it. The store clerk was terrified. So, I jumped off of my horse, grabbed the biggest biker, slapped him and yelled that if they didn’t stop I’d beat the crap out of all of them.” St. Peter says, “OMG! That is amazing. When did this happen?” The cowboy says, “Just a couple minutes ago.” Good one 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
merciful-evans Posted May 14, 2022 Share Posted May 14, 2022 My addition to brake fluid is not a problem. I can stop any time I like. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gearbasher Posted May 15, 2022 Share Posted May 15, 2022 How many New Yorkers does it take to change a light bulb? I don't know! F-YOU! How many teamsters does it take to change a light bulb? Who wants to know? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Whitefang Posted May 15, 2022 Share Posted May 15, 2022 More on infidelity.... An old man shuffles into the confessional of St. Mary's catholic church and tells the priest, " Father, after 62 years of faithful marriage to my wife I broke my vow last night and had sex with a pair of 18 year old twin sisters." The priest in amazement said, " That's a long time to be faithful just to ruin that record with a meaningless tryst. I'm sure at your age you know how to make penance?" The old man replied, "I don't know anything about that. I'm not Catholic. I'm Jewish." "What!" charged the priest, "Not Catholic? Then why do you come in here and tell me all of this?" And the old man said, "Hey! I'm telling EVERYbody!" Whitefang 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gearbasher Posted May 17, 2022 Share Posted May 17, 2022 They just arrested my guitar instructor. He was caught fingering A-minor. 2 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gearbasher Posted May 17, 2022 Share Posted May 17, 2022 (edited) The original Captain Kirk designed his own line of women's underwear. But, nobody wanted to buy "Shatner Panties". Edited May 17, 2022 by gearbasher 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
merciful-evans Posted May 18, 2022 Share Posted May 18, 2022 Tell me truthfully boy, do you say your prayers before dinner? No sir. My moms a good cook. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissouriPicker Posted May 18, 2022 Share Posted May 18, 2022 Guys, before you get serious with a woman, take her to her favorite club and see how many guys know her…….and if the bouncer hugs her, LEAVE! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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