Retired Posted February 24 Share Posted February 24 Why did the cat run away from the tree? It was afraid of its bark, The bark scared him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sheepdog1969 Posted February 24 Share Posted February 24 Since statistics state that every 5th child born on the planet is Chinese, and if you are not Chinese, and if you already have 4 kids, and if your wife is pregnant again with your 5th kid... ??? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sheepdog1969 Posted February 25 Share Posted February 25 (edited) So you're telling me a home made this soup??? Edited February 25 by Sheepdog1969 typo Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gearbasher Posted February 25 Share Posted February 25 The past, the present and the future walked into a bar. It was tense. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sheepdog1969 Posted February 26 Share Posted February 26 A Polar bear cub walks up to his mother and asks, "Am I a Polar bear?". Confused, his mother replies, "Well, I'm a Polar bear, and your father's a Polar bear, so you are a Polar bear.". Not satisfied with her answer, the cub walks out to his father, who is patiently hunting at a seal hole in the ice. "Dad", he asks, "am I a Polar bear?". "Yes son, you are a Polar bear.", says the Dad "Are you sure?", replies the cub. "Son, your mother's a Polar bear and so am I, so you are a Polar bear. That's how it works. Why do you ask?" The cub shouts, "Because I'm F-ing COLD!!". 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gdecantoo Posted February 27 Share Posted February 27 Driving to the store, I came across my ex wife walking on the side of the road. For a brief moment, “ I’d hit that” took on a whole new meaning! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gearbasher Posted March 2 Share Posted March 2 I went to the doctor the other day and told him I had a buzzing in my ear. He said: "It's just a bug that's been going around". 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murph Posted March 5 Share Posted March 5 What does a cop and a dj have in common They both tell drunk people to put their hands up 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murph Posted March 5 Share Posted March 5 A hunter kills and eats a bald eagle, and is arrested for violating the Endangered Species Act. He pleads guilty, and throws himself on the mercy of the court. "Your Honor," the hunter said, "I had no idea that it was illegal to kill and eat a bald eagle. If you let me go, I'll never do it again." "You've committed a very serious crime," the judge replies. "But you clearly weren't aware of the law, so I'm willing to overlook it this one time. However, before I let you go, I'm going to ask you to do one thing." "Anything, Your Honor," the hunter replies. "What is it?" The judge says, "It's been illegal to kill a protected species for many years, so very few people have ever eaten a bald eagle. For the record, can you please tell everyone what a bald eagle tastes like?" The hunter thinks for a moment and then replies, "It tastes pretty good. Kind of like a cross between a spotted owl and a condor." 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murph Posted March 5 Share Posted March 5 During his physical, the doctor asked the patient about his daily activity level He described a typical day this way: 'Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand and took four leaks behind big trees.' Inspired by the story, the doctor said, 'You must be one heck of an outdoors man! 'NAH,' he replied, 'I'm just a crappy golfer.' 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murph Posted March 14 Share Posted March 14 Grandpa Joe was being taken by his grandchildren to his new nursing home. The family bought Grandpa Joe in on his wheelchair. A kind young nurse met them. "Welcome to our nursing home! Let me show you around!" She said in a friendly tone, as she took the wheelchair. She wheeled him into a large room full of sofas, with a big TV screen. "This is the lounge. You can relax and-" Grandpa Joe suddenly slumped to one side. The dutiful nurse quickly caught hold of him, and gently sat him up. Than she wheeled him to a room with tables and chairs, where some elderly residents were enjoying lunch. "This is the dining room. The food is really -" Again, Grandpa Joe suddenly slumped to one side. Unfazed, the nurse caught hold of him, and sat him up. Finally, she wheeled him over to a small room with a comfortable looking bed. "This is where you'll be sleeping. There is an en-suite bath-" Again, Grandpa Joe suddenly slumped over to one side. The nurse patiently caught hold of him, and once again sat him up. After the tour, the grandchildren rushed over to Grandpa Joe. "What do you think? Isn't it lovely? That nurse seems sweet?" Grandpa Joe looked grumpy. "Sure, the place seems alright, and the staff are nice. But why the hell won't they let me fart in peace???" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murph Posted March 14 Share Posted March 14 A thirsty man walks into a store... He fancies a glass of wine, an older redheaded woman approaches him. "Hello sir, how may I serve you?" "I'm interested in a lean red with a delicate body and nice legs, something French might be nice." The woman smiles, "Certainly sir, follow me and I'll see what I have in store" The woman leads him past the counter and into a dimly lit back room. She shuts the door behind him and immediately disrobes. "Gah, I, uh, wha...." The woman replies, "Your first time in a brothel huh? Well if it helps your nerves there's a winery next door." 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saturn Posted March 17 Share Posted March 17 An Irish man walked into a bar and ordered 3 Guinness beers. He drank all 3, paid and left. He continued to do this several times a week. One day the bartender asked why he didn't just order one, drink it, order another and so on. The man explained that he had 2 brothers, one lives in the US and the other in Australia and they have a tradition that whenever they have a beer, they also have one in honor of the other two. One day the man came in and ordered two Guinness. The bartender said "I'm sorry. I guess one of your brothers died?" the man said "No. I gave up beer for Lent". 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
10PoundLester Posted March 17 Share Posted March 17 Two cannibals are having a dinner conversation when one says, "I really don't like my mother-in-law.". The other says, "Well then just eat the noodles.". 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
merciful-evans Posted March 17 Share Posted March 17 How do you stop a bull charging? Isolate it from the mains 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissouriPicker Posted March 17 Share Posted March 17 So, last night I goggled “Who gives a f%&^?,” and my name wasn’t there. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gearbasher Posted March 18 Share Posted March 18 I got a J-45 for my wife. It was the best trade I ever made. 2 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murph Posted March 21 Share Posted March 21 When one door closes, another one opens. Other than that, it's a great car. 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murph Posted March 21 Share Posted March 21 One of my favorite childhood memories is when my dad used to roll us down the hill inside of a tire. Those were the Goodyears! 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murph Posted March 21 Share Posted March 21 A man walks up to a sales clerk- "Excuse me, Where are your Polish Sausages?" The clerk asks "Are you Polish?" The man becomes irate and starts yelling "If I asked where the pasta was would you ask if I was Italian?", "no" replies the clerk. "If I asked where the corned beef was would you ask if I were Irish?" "no" replies the clerk. The man yells "why the heck did you ask if I am Polish???"....The clerk replies "Because this is a Home Depot" 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gearbasher Posted March 21 Share Posted March 21 Why did Irish women produce so much breast milk during the potato famine? Because, they lacked taters. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
merciful-evans Posted March 22 Share Posted March 22 What breed of dog does the best tricks ? A Labracadabrador Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murph Posted March 25 Share Posted March 25 Ya all hear bout the man who walks into a bar and there is a bunch of meat hanging from the ceiling. The man asks the bartender what's the deal with the meat and the bartender explains that if you jump and slap a piece of meat......you get to drink free for the night......but if you miss.......you must buy drinks for everyone in the bar. The man responds........"Nah, the steaks are too high". 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
merciful-evans Posted March 25 Share Posted March 25 The French despise fast food. That's why they eat escargot. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gearbasher Posted March 31 Share Posted March 31 If you have a burn victim cremated, do you get a discount? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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