Stupid Jokes

[merciful-evans]

Went to the doctor with a suspicious looking mole.

He told me they all look that way & I should've left it in the garden.

[Murph]

A blind pilot walks into a plane waving his walking stick

The passengers all look at each other in disbelief. The flight attendant gets on the PA and says,

"Ladies and gentlemen, as you can see, the captain is legally blind, but rest assured, he is one of the best pilots in the world with over six thousand successful flights."

Next the co-pilot makes his way to the plane and he is also blind and uses his walking stick to make it to the cabin.
The flight attendant gets on the PA and says,

"Ladies and gentlemen, as you can see, the co-pilot is also blind, but rest assured, he is the second best pilot
in the world with over five thousand successful flights."

At this point the plane begins to take off from the runway. As it gains speed, the passengers grow tenser. The plane keeps accelerating more and more and as it approaches the end of the runway, it still hasn't left the ground. The plane is approaching the end of the runway at high speed and the passengers scream, "Oh my God, we're all going to die!!"

Suddenly, the plane takes off and begins its ascent.

The pilot turns to the co-pilot and says, "The day they stop screaming, we're screwed."

[Murph]

This one is great......

 

So Joe had these headaches...

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store & thought, "That's what I need - a new suit."

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see ... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve & 16-1/2 neck." Again, Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see ... 9-1/2 E." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36."

Joe laughed. "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one heck of a headache."

[Murph]

A man tried to start a fight by throwing dough, shredded cheese, and tomato sauce at me.

So I said, “You wanna pizza me?”

[sparquelito]

A blonde lady marched into the library very much upset.

"I want to return this book, it is terrible!" she shouted.

The librarian quietly intoned, "Please keep your voice down. What is wrong with the book?"

"Well, it's got lots and lots of characters, but no plot whatsoever!!"

"Ah well then. You would be the one who made off with our phone book."

😁

[Murph]

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

“Good morning,” said the young man. “If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners”.

“No thank you!” said the old lady. “I haven’t got any money,” and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. “Don’t be too hasty!” he said. “Not until you have at least seen my demonstration”.

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse dung all over her hallway carpet.

“If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder”.

“Well,” she said, “I hope you’ve got a good appetite, because our electricity was cut off this morning!”

[Murph]

I failed my driving test today. I was driving down a country road with the examiner, when a rabbit ran out right in front of the car.

I remembered my instructor said you should never swerve or try to avoid an animal, because it's dangerous and you can end up causing a more serious accident.You should always just hit it and keep on driving.

Had to chase that little bugger for miles across the fields before I finally got it!

[merciful-evans]

Geology rocks.

But Geography is where its at.

[merciful-evans]

In a bar:

Me: What’s the Wi-Fi password? Bartender: You need to buy a drink first.

Me: OK, I’ll have a Coke. Bartender: Three dollars.

Me: There you go. So what’s the Wi‑Fi password? Bartender: “You need to buy a drink first.” No spaces, all lowercase"

[Murph]

Football game on Noah's Ark

Okay so the animals have been on the ark for thirty days and thirty nights and frankly they are getting bored. So to provide entertainment B-Deck challenges C-Deck to a game of football. They get it all set up and begin play. B-Deck makes some early gains but C-Deck is unstoppable. They have Rhinoceros and once he gets going you cant stop him. Soon the first half is over and the score is 24-7. The second half begins and while in the huddle Rhinoceros looks over at B-Decks defensive line and sees Centipede on their defensive line. "Give me the ball," he says, "There aren't going to be any centipedes in the new world because I'm crushing this one right here and right now" The Center snaps the ball and the quarterback hands it off to Rhinoceros who begins charging down Centipede. Centipede rears up grabs Rhinoceros by the legs and SLAMS him to the deck. Ball pops loose, centipede grabs the ball. He's rushing down the field weaving in and out and TOUCHDOWN!!! The crowd goes wild! C-Deck's captain, Lion rushes over and says, "Centipede that was amazing! Where were you in the first half?"

" I was lacing my shoes."

[Murph]

My brother was recently involved in a chainsaw accident.

Now, my only remaining family is my two half brothers.

[Murph]

Women say they like a man who is "funny" and "spontaneous"

But you knock on their bedroom window at midnight wearing a clown costume and suddenly it's all screaming and throwing things and police sirens.

[Murph]

My laptop was making funny noises today, it sounded like it was singing...

Probably because it's a Dell.

[MissouriPicker]

https://imgur.com/a/bLIOH6X

 

Edited October 22, 2023 by MissouriPicker

[Sheepdog1969]

On 10/20/2023 at 6:02 AM, Murph said:

Probably because it's a Dell.

I notice they keep getting thinner.

[Sheepdog1969]

What it the difference between "ooh" and "ahh"?

About three inches.

[Rabs]

[Retired]

On 10/17/2023 at 6:24 AM, Murph said:

A blind pilot walks into a plane waving his walking stick

The passengers all look at each other in disbelief. The flight attendant gets on the PA and says,

"Ladies and gentlemen, as you can see, the captain is legally blind, but rest assured, he is one of the best pilots in the world with over six thousand successful flights."

Next the co-pilot makes his way to the plane and he is also blind and uses his walking stick to make it to the cabin.
The flight attendant gets on the PA and says,

"Ladies and gentlemen, as you can see, the co-pilot is also blind, but rest assured, he is the second best pilot
in the world with over five thousand successful flights."

At this point the plane begins to take off from the runway. As it gains speed, the passengers grow tenser. The plane keeps accelerating more and more and as it approaches the end of the runway, it still hasn't left the ground. The plane is approaching the end of the runway at high speed and the passengers scream, "Oh my God, we're all going to die!!"

Suddenly, the plane takes off and begins its ascent.

The pilot turns to the co-pilot and says, "The day they stop screaming, we're screwed."

Hilarious. 

[gearbasher]

Why did the woman divorce the grape?

She was tired of raisin kids.

[Murph]

I was given a bag of peanuts which was blessed by the Pope....

I gave them away. I don't like religious nuts.

[Murph]

A group of Native Americans are sitting around a campfire

A young brave asks the others, "When will I be given a name?"

"When you distinguish yourself in the tribe," answers Thundering Buffalo.

"Then the elders will recognize you with a name," says Rides By Moonlight.

"It is the proudest moment of a young brave's life," says Silent Wolf.

"Eh, it's overrated," says Chits In Breechcloth...

[Murph]

A lady comes home from her doctor's appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, "Why are you so happy?" The wife says, "The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of an eighteen year old."

"Oh yeah?" quipped her husband, "What did he say about your forty-five year old a ss?" She said,

"Your name never came up in the conversation."

[Murph]

BREAKING NEWS:

A man was admitted to the hospital today with 25 plastic toy horses inserted in his r ectum.

Doctors have described his condition as stable...

[gearbasher]

6 hours ago, Murph said:

A group of Native Americans are sitting around a campfire

A young brave asks the others, "When will I be given a name?"

"When you distinguish yourself in the tribe," answers Thundering Buffalo.

"Then the elders will recognize you with a name," says Rides By Moonlight.

"It is the proudest moment of a young brave's life," says Silent Wolf.

"Eh, it's overrated," says Chits In Breechcloth...

This reminded me of one.

A group of Native Americans are sitting around a campfire

A young brave asks the others, "Where do our names come from?"

An elder answers, "You are usually given a name from an event that happened on the day you were conceived. There was a wolf howling at the moon on the night Howling Wolf was conceived. Lone Eagle was named that because a single eagle was circling above our camp on the day he was conceived."

Another elder asks, "Why do you you want to know, Broken Rubber?

Edited October 26, 2023 by gearbasher

[Murph]

A man is eating soup at a restaurant when he drops his spoon.

It was a particularly busy day, so the man thinks "Great, by the time I get another spoon, my soup will be cold." Nevertheless, he flags down his waiter and tells him that he dropped his spoon. The waiter says "Here ya go" and produces a spoon from his vest pocket. "Wow, that was convenient" the man says. He looks around and notices all the waiters have spoons in thier pockets. "Why do you all have spoons on hand like that?" The waiter replied "We had an efficiency expert come in last week, and after a study, he deduced that the most dropped utensil was a spoon. So the manager insisted we all carry spoons to promote efficiency and customer service". The man continued to eat his meal when he just happened to notice a piece of string protruding from a waiter's fly. He looked around and noticed that all the waiters had one. He called his waiter back over and asked about it. The waiter told him "Ohhh, that's another thing put in place by the efficiency expert. He figured out that the most wasted time was washing our hands after using the bathroom. So we all have a piece of string tied around our penises. When we take a leak, we just unzip, pull the string and go. Since we dont touch it, there is no need to wash our hands." The man thinks on this and says, "Makes sense, but how do you get it back in without touching it?" The waiter leans in and whispers, " I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."