Stupid Jokes

[Murph]

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely:

Are - my - test - results - back?"

[Sheepdog1969]

Don't be fooled by the latest scam, like I was.

I saw an ad for 70% off new snow tires when you buy 4. Since winter is right around the corner, this sounded like a good deal. So I scheduled an appointment and had 4 of them put on my car. 

They melted on the way home.  🤔

[Murph]

A husband and wife are grocery shopping.

The husband sees a carton of beer on one of the shelves and puts it in the trolley.

“What are you doing?” asks the wife.

“They’re on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,” he responds.

“Well, put it back. We can’t afford those.”

Without another word, the husband obeys his wife and puts the carton back on the shelf. In the next aisle over, the wife sees a bottle of facial cream and puts it in the cart.

“What are you doing?” the husband asks.

“It’s my face cream and it’s on sale for $20. It makes me look beautiful,” she replies.

“So does a 24 pack of beer, and it’s half the price!”

[Murph]

Years ago my wife and I were painting the window sills and trim of a house. She would hold up a plastic shield (to keep the overspray off) and I'd squirt the woodwork. One time the shield had loaded up and was dripping all over the floor (plywood at that point...don't worry!) and I said "Hey, you're dripping all over!" And she said, "Oh! Uh [looking around] do you know of anything I can wipe it off with?" I said "Off with? Seriously?" and she said "What?" and I said "Can you reformulate that sentence so it doesn't end with TWO prepositions?"

My wife looks cat-like under many circumstances and now you could almost see her ears flattening up against her head like a p.o.'d cat. Then she said: "Yes. Do you know of anything I can wipe it off with, a$$hole?"

[Murph]

Wife: "I have a lot of my old clothes I'd like to donate."

Husband: "Why bother? It's easier to throw the clothes in the garbage can."

Wife: "Don't be selfish! There are so many poor people who have no clothes and are starving."

Husband: " Honey, anyone who fits into your clothing is not starving..."

[gearbasher]

What does a cheap hotel and tight jeans have in common?

There's no ballroom.

Edited October 29, 2023 by gearbasher

[merciful-evans]

A man is having a medical check up & asks the Doctor, "So, do you think I'll live a long and healthy life?"

Doctor: "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now."
Man: "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."
Doctor: "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."

[Murph]

Ever wonder why when geese fly in a "V".....one side is longer than the other?

It's because one side has more geese......

[Murph]

One rainy, windy night, a man was walking home alone, down a dark, deserted street that ran right by the local cemetery.

As he passed the gates, he heard a bump in the darkness behind him. Not daring to look back, he quickened his pace. But, the bumping noise continued behind him.He stopped and turned to see what it was. Coming down the road behind him was a coffin, standing on end, bumping from side to side -
BUMP,
BUMP,
BUMP.
The man, terrified for his life, turned and started running. Behind him, the coffin came faster
BUMP,
BUMP,
BUMP!
Ahead of him, there was a branch that had fallen from a tree. He reached down and grabbed it as he ran by. Still running, he turned and threw it over his shoulder at the coffin - but it just splintered when it hit the coffin and the coffin continued coming faster
BUMPITY BUMP,
BUMPITY BUMP,
BUMPITY BUMP!
The man turned the corner onto his street and ran through his front gate, the coffin right behind him. His splitting axe was resting against his woodpile so he snagged it, turned, and gave a mighty two-handed throw sending it end over end right at the coffin.
SMASH! -
The axe shattered on the unnaturally strong wood of the coffin and it continued after him.The man dashed in his house, but the coffin crashed through the front door. The man ran upstairs and grabbed his shotgun off the wall display.
He blasted the coffin with both barrels, but the shot bounced harmlessly off the coffin as it continued up the stairs
BUMP,
CLOMP,
BUMP,
CLOMP!
The man, desperate and scared to death, jumped into the bathroom and locked the door - knowing it would do no good. The coffin Banged against the door, once ..., twice ..., and on the third time, the door exploded and the coffin came forward.
In desperation the man reached out his hand and grabbed whatever he could. All that was there was a bottle of cough syrup so he threw it at the coffin.
The bottle shattered, cough syrup covered the coffin from top to bottom

and the coffin stopped...

[Rabs]

[gearbasher]

If Matthew Perry was a Schwimmer he'd be alive today.

Edited November 7, 2023 by gearbasher

[Retired]

Stupid joke?  Lets see, The dumbest one I know is pretty filthy so not sure I should tell it?   Here is,  A kid fell in the mud and was covered from head to toe in mud.  

[merciful-evans]

1944: A soviet policeman brings a suspected dissident before Stalin. 

Policeman: 'Comrade Leader; I caught this man in red square shouting 'I am tired of this man with the stupid moustache and stupid rules being a leader'.

Stalin to detainee: 'And who were you referring to?'

Detainee: 'Why, Hitler of course'.

Stalin to policemen: 'and who did you think he was talking about?'

[Murph]

A young woman was pulled over for speeding.

An Oregon state trooper walked over to her car window while flipping open his ticket book.

The young woman said, "I bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the State Troopers Ball."

He replied, "Oregon StateTroopers don't have balls."

There was a moment of silence.

And then he flipped closed his ticket book, tipped his hat, walked back to his patrol car, and left.

[Murph]

I remember asking my grandma what her parents did for fun before there was television.......

I also asked her 9 brothers and 7 sisters and they didn't know either.

[gearbasher]

What does Brooklyn and tight jeans have in common?

It's where you find Flatbush.

[Murph]

A man in Alberta wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof.

So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough..there's an ad for "Alberta Bear Removers."
He calls the number and the man says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, 12-gauge shotgun, and a mean heavily scarred old pit bull.

"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and I’ll knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls
off the roof, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He then hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

---

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

[Rabs]

[gearbasher]

A woman is in the supermarket looking for a Thanksgiving Day turkey. All the turkeys are on the smaller side, so she asks a worker: "Excuse me, do these turkeys get any bigger?" He replies: "No ma'am,  they're dead."

[gearbasher]

A British guy comes home and catches his wife having sex with three men. The minute he sees this he says: Well, allo, allo, allo." He wife says: "What? You're not talking to me?"

[gearbasher]

A doctor is making his rounds at a hospital. He goes to write out a prescription and pulls out a thermometer. He looks at it and says: "Man, some a$$hole must have my pen."

[gearbasher]

What's the one good thing about having a prostitute die on you?

The second hour is free.

[Murph]

I found $50 in the parking lot at Costco today.

I asked myself, what would Jesus do? So I went back in and turned it into wine.

[gearbasher]

A momma mole, a papa mole and a baby mole were down in their mole hole. The mamma mole sticks her head out of the hole and says; "I smell pancakes." The papa mole squeezes next to the momma mole and pokes his head out. He says: "I smell pancakes, too." The baby mole tries to squeeze around them, but the hole is too small and he can't stick his head out. He's says: "Can one of you move, all I smell is molasses."

[Murph]

A man was relaxing, reading his Sunday newspaper...

There was a knock on the door, he begrudgingly got up to answer. There was no one there. He looked around, and just as he was about to go back in, a voice said "hi, how are you doing today?"
He angrily stared down at a Snail, who was smiling up at him. He picked up the Snail and gave it a hefty kick, and returned to his newspaper.
Three weeks went by, and the man was pottering around in the kitchen. There was a knock on the door, and the man went to answer it. No one there, but he looked down. The snail was looking up at him, and in a bemused, but angry voice said "What did you do that for?"