Bwahahahaaaa...

[Murph]

I said to the wife, “Quick get me a newspaper"

"Don't be silly,” she said “You can borrow my i-Pad”

"That spider never knew what hit it."

[Flight959]

I learned a lot from my ex wife before we split up.

 

I found out a group of sharks is called a Shiver, a group of flamingoes is called a Flamboyance, a group of goldfish is called a Troubling, a group of buffaloes is called an Obstinance and a threesome with Mike and Tony is called "A couple of drinks with the girls after work".

[sparquelito]

I learned a lot from my ex wife before we split up.

 

I found out a group of sharks is called a Shiver, a group of flamingoes is called a Flamboyance, a group of goldfish is called a Troubling, a group of buffaloes is called an Obstinance and a threesome with Mike and Tony is called a couple of drinks with the girls after work.

 

Oh man!

:(

[Mr. Gibson]

What's heavier a Hippo or Zippo?

The Hippo,the Zippo's a little lighter...

[Mr. Gibson]

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef

[Tman]

What do you call a baby girl with one leg? Ilene

What do you call a baby Asian girl with one leg? Irene

What do you call a baby boy with no legs in a swimming pool? Bob

[Pin]

I said to the wife, “Quick get me a newspaper"

"Don't be silly,” she said “You can borrow my i-Pad”

"That spider never knew what hit it."

 

Reminds me of a video advertising "The Face" magazine. Two guys with a Face magazine on the table and a buzzing fly. One is bothered by the fly and the other says "use my face". You can guess the rest!

[Karloff]

why do you never buy your wife a wristwatch ?

cuz theres a clock on the stove...

[rocketman]

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

[Mr. Gibson]

A man was running around the Kremlin screaming "Putin is a fool!" "Putin is a fool!" He was arrested and got 3 years for insulting a party official and 20 years for revealing a state secret.😬

[SmokeyGhost]

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming Anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

 

I bought her a scale.

 

And then the fight started...

[Mr. Gibson]

What's the best form of birth control?

A piece of wedding cake.

[Guest Farnsbarns]

A duck walks in to a pub, rocks up to the bar, sits on a stool and says to the bartender, "got any bread?"

 

The bartender says, "no, I've got beers, wines and spirits and a few bar snacks".

 

The duck says, "got any bread?"

 

The bartender says, exasperatedly, "No, I've got wines, beers and spirits. I have pea nuts, crisps and pork scratchings but we don't sell bread".

 

The duck says, "got any bread?"

 

The bartender loses his rag. "No, I don't. If you ask me for bread again I'm going to nail your beak to the bar".

 

The duck says, "got any nails?"

 

The barman says, "NO!"

 

The duck says, "got any bread..."

[SmokeyGhost]

A hamburger walks into a bar.

 

The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."

[jdgm]

[Mr. Gibson]

A truck driver picked up a hitchhiker,after a little bit the hitchhiker pulls a gun,makes the trucker pull a mile off the road,takes his clothes,and ties his wrists to his ankles. He hops in the truck leaving the poor man there. The trucker hopped his way back to the highway where another trucker stops seeing his predicament. He said " what happened to you?" The tied up trucker tearfully told his story to the other trucker. The trucker that stopped to help pulled down his zipper and said"this just ain't your day is it."😬

[Retired]

Well, the only one I know is this: A blind man walks into a bar and sits down, then orders a drink. He hollers out, "Hey Bartender, want to hear a Blonde joke? The guy next to him whispers in his ear, "Theres something you ought to know before you tell that joke mister. I'm a 230 lb rugby player, the guy sitting on the other side of you is a 3rd degree Black Belt, the guy sitting at the table in front of you used to play Defensive Line in the NFL and weighs 300 lbs, there's a Bouncer over by the door that weighs 260 lb's." "Now all of us, including the bartender are Blonde; think about it mister, you still want to tell that joke?" After pausing a minute, the blind man says; "Nah, Not if I'm going to have to explain it Five Times!"

[Mr. Gibson]

On an airplane flight that just reached cruising altitude the pilot got on the intercom and said," We're at 30,000ft flying 550mph and will reach our destination at noon local time" having thought he shut the intercom off he turned to the co-pilot saying" I'm gonna take a crap, then have sex with the stewardess" the stewardess hearing this ran toward the cockpit to tell him to shut the intercom off in doing so she trips over her feet and falls next to a little old lady who said,"What's you're hurry honey he said he was gonna take a crap first"😬

[Mr. Gibson]

Chinaman goes to the eye doctor,doctor tells him "You got a cataract " Chinaman said," no I don't, I got a Rinken Continential.😬

[pippy]

What did the Teddy-Bears have to eat at the Teddy-Bear's Picnic?

Nothing. They were all stuffed.

 

Pip.

[Cougar]

A guy complains to his doctor that every time he farts, it sounds like "honda." What the heck? The doc says, "Oh, you've got an absess." The guy says "What--how can that be related?" The doc replies "Absess makes the fart go honda."

[Thunderchild]

Man says to co-worker, "I've got anal glaucoma" Co-worker says "what's that?" Man says "I can't see this sh1t getting done"

[Pesh]

When my wife left, I was sad, upset, and lonely.

 

Since then, I've got a dog; bought a new motorbike, slept with 2 women, and blew a grand on drink and drugs.

 

She'll go f**king mental when she gets home from work.

[SmokeyGhost]

Hmm, wife jokes. So non-PC. Yippie!!!!!!!!!

 

My wife asked for her birthday something which would go from 0 to 150 in under 3 seconds

 

I bought her a set of scales

 

Then the fight started.....

 

----------------------------------------------------

 

My wife was standing in front of the mirror.

 

She said she looked droopy, losing her body tone and needed a compliment.

 

I told her she had perfect eyesight.

 

Then the fight started.............

[SmokeyGhost]

How Australian vernacular can cause "issues."

 

Sometimes we refer to innate objects a "she." For example, a length of bowed timber may be described as "She's a bit bent."

 

A few years I was playing golf and there was a couple a head of us on a Par 3. The blokes wife, who who also playing, was of Korean extraction. We caught up to them just as they finished the hole and her husband said "Be careful. She's a deceptive little slope."

 

I almost cracked up with laughter as it was clear he was completely oblivious to the reference.