gearbasher Posted December 11, 2022 Share Posted December 11, 2022 (edited) Have you ever eaten Wookiee meat? It's kinda Chewie. Edited December 11, 2022 by gearbasher 1 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Whitefang Posted December 12, 2022 Share Posted December 12, 2022 In desperation a man asked a friend where he could "get some". His friend scribbled an address on a piece of paper and said, "I guarantee this place." So the man beat a hasty retreat to the address and knocked on the door. A gruff voice asked, "Whaddya want?" and the man said, "I wanna get screwed." So the gruff voice told him, "Just slip $50.00 under the door." The man did as asked and stood there waiting. After five minutes passed with no response he banged on the door again. And again a gruff voice asked, "Whaddya want?" And the man answered, "I said I want to get screwed!" And the gruff voice then asked, "What! Again?" Whitefang Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gearbasher Posted December 13, 2022 Share Posted December 13, 2022 33 minutes ago, ghost_of_fl said: The idea that Santa is watching you 24/7 implied that Santa is witness to crimes like home invasions and murders but doesn't do anything about it. 🤫 You better not shout You better not squirm That dirty old man Is holding you firm Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gearbasher Posted December 13, 2022 Share Posted December 13, 2022 (edited) What did the 13 year old redneck girl say after having sex? Ok dad, you can get off me now, you're crushing my cigarettes. Edited December 13, 2022 by gearbasher 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Whitefang Posted December 14, 2022 Share Posted December 14, 2022 Here's an oldie from Buddy Hackett: "A little kid looks up at his father and asks, "Daddy....What's a degenerate?" And the father looks down and says, "Shut up kid. And keep sucking!" Whitefang Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gearbasher Posted December 14, 2022 Share Posted December 14, 2022 How do you circumcise a red neck? Kick his sister in the chin. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gearbasher Posted December 15, 2022 Share Posted December 15, 2022 A man comes home and finds his girlfriend packing her things. Man: "What's going on?" Girlfriend: "I'm leaving you! You're nothing but a lowlife and a pervert!" Man: "What makes you say that?" Girlfriend: "I just learned that you're a pedophile!" Man: "Pedophile? That's an awful big word for an 12 year old." 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gearbasher Posted December 18, 2022 Share Posted December 18, 2022 There were these two clams, Sam and Bruce. Now, Sam the Clam was a mobster. He controlled all the illegal activities in the sea. Bruce was a boy scout. Yet, Bruce and Sam were best friends. One day a storm hit their part of the ocean and both clams met their maker. At the gates of heaven, Saint Peter welcomed Bruce with open arms. He handed him a harp and told him to enter the pearly gates. When it was Sam's turn, St. Peter turned him away and sent him down to hell. After a month or so, St. Peter sees Bruce crying. He asks: "What's wrong? Bruce: "I miss my best friend Sam. I want to see him." St. Peter: "I'll allow you to go down to see Sam. But you have to take your harp and be back with it by midnight." So, Bruce goes down to hell and finds a discotheque with a huge sign the says: Disco -- Sam the Clam Proprietor. He walks in and Sam is overjoyed to see him. Bruce sets his harp down on the bar and they have a few drinks and a few laughs. But, before you know it, Bruce hears the clock strike midnight. He says a quick goodbye and rushes back to heaven. He gets there just before St. Peter closes the gate. Saint Peter is tapping his foot and has a mad look on his face. Bruce asks: "What's wrong? I made it back in time." Saint Peter: "Did you forget something?" Bruce: "Not that I know of." Saint Peter: "Where's your harp?" Bruce (smacking his head with the heel of his hand): "I left my harp in Sam Clam's Disco." 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gearbasher Posted December 20, 2022 Share Posted December 20, 2022 An Irish kid, a Puerto Rican kid and an Italian kid were hanging out together. They were talking about how they asked their parents for bicycles for Christmas. Irish kid: "I know I got my bike. I even know my parents hid it in the attic. Other two kids: "Really! How do you know? Irish kid: "Well, I asked my father where he hid my bike. He said it's where we keep the old furniture. So, it must be in the attic." Puerto Rican kid: "Well, I know my bike is hidden in the basement. Because, when I asked my father where my bike was, he said it's where he keeps his tools. So, it's in the basement. Italian kid: "My father must have hid my bike in his pants. Because, when I asked him where my bike was, he grabbed his crotch and said: 'I got your bike right here!'" 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gearbasher Posted December 25, 2022 Share Posted December 25, 2022 Every day at school, Tommy's teacher would ask a question at 2:30 and the first student to answer it would get to leave at that time instead of 3:00. Now, Tommy wasn't the sharpest knife in the draw and he never could get the question right. He never got to go home early. So, one day, he brings two 8-balls to school. At 2:30, just as the teacher stands up to ask the question, Tommy rolls the 8-balls down the aisle. The teacher sees this and asks: "Ok, who's the comedian with the two black balls?" Tommy raises his hand and says: "Chris Rock. I'll see you tomorrow." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gearbasher Posted December 25, 2022 Share Posted December 25, 2022 What does Santa say when he's coming? "OH! OH! OH!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gearbasher Posted December 25, 2022 Share Posted December 25, 2022 What do the female reindeer do on Christmas eve when the male reindeer are out with Santa? They go to town and blow a few bucks. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Whitefang Posted December 31, 2022 Share Posted December 31, 2022 8 hours ago, ghost_of_fl said: When a commercial says "available wherever books are sold", it sounds like they don't know where books are sold. In the "day" there were commercials that hawked some "candy for breakfast" cereal and showed a bowl of it smack dab in the middle of a fried egg, a couple of strips of bacon and a couple pieces of toast and the voice-over would say, "Part of this nutritious breakfast." It could be anything in the middle of all that, even a rusty radiator cap and it would STILL be..."Part of this nutritious breakfast." 🙄 Whitefang 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gearbasher Posted January 4, 2023 Share Posted January 4, 2023 A Mohel calls his insurance agent. The agent answers and asks: "Rabbi, how can I help you?" Mohel: "Well, I'm getting old, my hands are getting shaky and my eyesight isn't great anymore. I was wondering if I can get insurance for when I perform circumcisions? Agent: "I'll look into it. I'll get back to you as soon as I can." Three days later the agent calls the Mohel. Agent: "Rabbi, I have some good news and some bad news. Which do you want to hear first?" Mohel: "Give me the good news." Agent: "I got you an insurance policy." Mohel: "That's wonderful. What bad news can you possibly have?" Agent: " Well, there's a two inch deductible." 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gearbasher Posted January 11, 2023 Share Posted January 11, 2023 There was a large gathering at a bris. When the Mohel performed the circumcision, the tip popped out of his fingers and landed on the plate of a young woman sitting nearby. Not seeing what happened, she picked up the tip with her fork and turned the the man sitting next to her and asked: "What is this?" The man replied: "Try it. If you like it, I'll give you a whole one." 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissouriPicker Posted January 14, 2023 Share Posted January 14, 2023 I was a pilot when I worked for the stockyards. I’d pilot here and pilot there. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Whitefang Posted January 16, 2023 Share Posted January 16, 2023 The only reason I can see why your idea wouldn't work on "social media" is.... You spelled everything correctly. But I do understand it's only an example. Whitefang 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Whitefang Posted January 18, 2023 Share Posted January 18, 2023 Loved the "Love for crumbly pastries" line. On a TV show from the mid 2000's called "The Middle", the wife on the show had an obsession with the Royal family. She even rented an extra large screen TV to watch the Royal Wedding(William and Kate). Plus scones to have with tea while she watched. She walked into the living room to see her husband eating the last of the scones. He defended his action by saying, "I should have thrown them out. They were stale and dry." And she told him, "They're SUPPOSED to be stale and dry. They're BRITISH!" 😜 Whitefang 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cabarone Posted January 20, 2023 Share Posted January 20, 2023 M<y wife said she wanted me to treat her like I did when we were dating... So last night I took her out for dinner and a movie, then dropped her off at her folks' house... 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Whitefang Posted January 23, 2023 Share Posted January 23, 2023 Then there's the question; "Do you smoke after sex?" to which I answer: "I don't know. I never looked." Whitefang 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Whitefang Posted January 24, 2023 Share Posted January 24, 2023 Two old men are sitting together at a small restaurant pouring over the menu. One old man looks up and says to the other.... "What the Hell is this slop?" and the other asks, "What?" And the first old man says, "This here on the menu. 'Soup du jour.' What the Hell IS that?" And the other old man says, "Oh, I've had that before. It's chicken." Whitefang 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Whitefang Posted January 28, 2023 Share Posted January 28, 2023 Yeah. The only joints I smoke are pig's knuckles. Whitefang Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gearbasher Posted January 29, 2023 Share Posted January 29, 2023 Of all the Knights of the round table, who was the fattest? Sir Cumference. Who drank the most? Sir Rhosis Who had the shortest penis? Sir Cumcised 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gearbasher Posted January 29, 2023 Share Posted January 29, 2023 I hired a speech impaired prostitute who communicated through sign language. She gave me a hand job and charged me for oral sex. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Whitefang Posted January 29, 2023 Share Posted January 29, 2023 It's sorta like that old joke about blind prostitutes. You really gotta hand it to them! Whitefang Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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