Serious advice

[MojoRedFoot]

I just want to know guys....is there life after divorce?

 

As a man, I expect to get fXcked every which way here. I'll spare the details but it would be mutual. Nothing bad happened. We're only talking separation for a few weeks to see how things pan out. We have 2 kids. 5 yr old and a 3 yr old. I'm only 28 and never thought this would be happening. It just seems that the court systems always favor the mother even if the father is a better parent. I have learned over the last year and a half that I can handle the kids on my own and my wife has even admitted that I am a better parent. In her defense, she is by no means a bad mother, I am just home more than she is. We would file for joint custody. I am still scare that the court system will pretty much have it's way w/ me and I will have to pretty much sell everything I own to get 1 last meal at McDonald's. Comic books, Hess trucks, and (sob) my music collection.

 

A gun and a bullet would be a lot cheaper and a hell of a lot less painful.

 

All kidding aside, I love my kids too much and would never do that. Just somebody tell me there is light at the end of the tunnel.

[zippy]

Hang in there bro.....It will get better, rest assured. It all depends on how far she chooses to try to sink you. If it's amicable, then hopefully, the judge can see it thru in a 50/50 kinda way. I'm crossing my fingers for ya....

[ChanMan]

I just want to know guys....is there life after divorce?

 

As a man' date=' I expect to get fXcked every which way here. I'll spare the details but it would be mutual. Nothing bad happened. We're only talking separation for a few weeks to see how things pan out. We have 2 kids. 5 yr old and a 3 yr old. I'm only 28 and never thought this would be happening. It just seems that the court systems always favor the mother even if the father is a better parent. I have learned over the last year and a half that I can handle the kids on my own and my wife has even admitted that I am a better parent. In her defense, she is by no means a bad mother, I am just home more than she is. We would file for joint custody. I am still scare that the court system will pretty much have it's way w/ me and I will have to pretty much sell everything I own to get 1 last meal at McDonald's. Comic books, Hess trucks, and (sob) my music collection.

 

A gun and a bullet would be a lot cheaper and a hell of a lot less painful.

 

All kidding aside, I love my kids too much and would never do that. Just somebody tell me there is light at the end of the tunnel.

 

 

You'll be fine, if not any richer. Hopefully you guys will pull things together and make a happy home for those kids. I've known that to happen more often than not.

 

Good luck man!

[dem00n]

Its alright dude, i dobut you will have to sell anything.

If you have to sell your stuff sell it a to a friend so you can buy it back.

[Corrosion of conformity]

I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

 

Do everything you can to save your marriage, but if it's impossible, be strong for your children. Make sure they know you love them. This will be just as hard on them as it will be on you. Make sure you never let them see you sad. It hurts when a loved one is going through a hard time and you can't help them.

 

As for light at the end of the tunnel, you're 28 years old! You still have your whole life ahead of you! Everything will all work out in the end.

 

Good luck with everything!

[GIANTRobOT420]

You gotta roll with the punches. No surrender. Joy can be found struggle

[YOUTUBE]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cf45I1ZI__w&feature=related[/YOUTUBE]

[Rocky4]

She'll get up to 28% of your check. If she doesn't work, she is entitled to half the lifestyle she had during the marriage. If you want to keep your house (if you own one), you owe her half its' value. As you get older, you tend to look in longer spans of time. Down the road, you'll be better off.

[swleary]

Mojo I'm really sorry to hear about everything you are going through. Best advice I can give is, make sure the kids know that it isn't their fault. I'd also recommend counselling for you both or individually. Could make the world of a difference. Now I don't know the whole story about what is going on but in all due fairness, kids come first.

 

I think you will be ok in the long run and maybe even better. Could go either way for you and I hope it goes the positive way. Just stay positive , always helps matters.

[FennRx]

if divorce is unavoidable, sell all of your stuff to a friend for cheap and get a receipt. then she only gets half (depending on the state) of the proceeds. after the divorce, "buy" your stuff back.

 

i'm not kidding.

[iddude]

I'm sorry that you're having to go through this. I hope that the separation is for both of you to think things over; and to make a serios effort to make your relationship work for the sake of the kids. IMO, since you're separating for a few weeks, I would suggest that you set some rules. This is a no-brainer, but I would have a "no date" discussion. Temptations can happen and make matters a lot worse. I also recommend contacting each other regularly to keep the lines of communication open. It's not too late to work things out.

 

I've been married almost 30 years and have 3 kids; I (we) have had a bump or two in the road too. Try to keep a cool head. I'm no expert; but I wish you and your family the best.

[MojoRedFoot]

Its alright dude' date=' i dobut you will have to sell anything.

If you have to sell your stuff sell it a to a friend so you can buy it back. [/quote']

 

Good idea. At least the stuff I want to hang onto.

 

She's definitely not gonna try and screw me. We spilt the cost of the LTD MH301 many years ago because she wanted to try and learn but she said I could keep it IF we divorce. She and I would be totally civil. It's the judge I'm worried about.

[zigzag]

I'm betting the judge will honor whatever your lawyers work out. I'd be more worried about her lawyer. If you guys can work everything out amicably, then you might get away with using one lawyer.

 

Divorce is tough. Hang in there.

[NeoConMan]

Damn.

Sorry man.

 

I'll not be able to encourage you much with my experience...

 

Maybe in a PM I can suggest a little more.

[Rewddawg1]

Is it the 7 year itch alot of us went thru? You may be able to work thru it if you want to.

[FirstMeasure]

I've never been married, so I've never been divorced. But I have seen men take women to the cleaners. My Aunt and Uncle owned a Big Business and a couple houses. He got a better Lawyer, she thought he was going to "Be Fair". He "Gifted" his business to his parents after moving it to Mexico, and stuck her with the house that had a bad foundation, ended up costing her to sell it. Now she lives in an Apartment, he still has a Big Business and a couple houses. Nowadays it's not about Man vs. Woman, it's good Lawyer vs Bad Lawyer.

 

The moral, if you're getting a divorce, look out for yourself and your kids, as she'll probably do the same thing. Even if she plans on being fair, greed will cruise through the door at the opposing lawyers invitation.

 

If you guys patch it up, then you don't have to worry. If you don't, get ready to fight for custody of you kids, and fight like you mean it. It's easier to Back Off from a strong position than it is to bolster a weak one. Divorce is ugly, don't go looking for a pretty way out of an Ugly situation.

[retrosurfer1959]

Yep survival is possible, not easy but possible and your usually better off in the long run. If you still love each other try to work it out if not then good luck. Kids know when there's issue and problems even wen there very young so be honest and make sure they don't blame themselves.

 

Divorce is a low point in anybody's life but hang in there it really does get better.

[Rewddawg1]

If the worst happens and I hope it don't but here in MO. He that files first usually gets a better deal. I don't know the civil laws in VA. but keep in mind that a lawyers job is to drag out a conflict. The longer it takes the more he makes. I personally think that not knowing your situation, that you each need to figure out what the true conflicts are. Evaluate them, prioritize them, and then see where the give and take is and see if things can be reconciled. If thay can't look for the most civil solution and IMO a lawyer will not tell you the most civil solution. I hope the best for you all.

P.S. I've been thru it all a few times and found a solution, so if you want to PM me feel free I would try to help any way I can.

Rewd.

[MojoRedFoot]

I forgot about the possiblity of a lawyer. We (or she) will most likely get advice from her mom who used to work for a divorce lawyer. She quit cuz the guy was a scum bag and it was just an awful business to work in. I'm cool w/ the in-laws (who also split up 2 yrs ago). In VA, I would have to pay ALL legal fees since I make more. I don't plan on hiring a lawyer. This is all worst case scenario. We just made the decision today to try separating.

 

Don't worry, dating is out of the question. In fact, I NEVER want to be married again. Once is enough. I'm pretty sure I never want a long term relationship ever again. Dating process, getting to know you bull crap. A new relationship at this point would just cramp my style. I can take care of my kids and have no one to answer to. That's the "glass half full" outlook.

[NeoConMan]

Dating process' date=' getting to know you bull crap.

I can take care of my kids and have no one to answer to. [/quote']

Dating is like job interviews.

 

"Yes, I'm an arrogant, selfish *** hole. A bit of a neat freak. Lotsa guitars, lotsa guns.

Spend lotsa time in the desert with my truck or my motorcycle.

 

I watch only news and documentaries on TV, then I turn it off.

I don't watch or give a sh!t about sports, my sport is politics.

 

I go to church when I can.

I work crazy hours.

I play guitar REALLY, REALLY loud to relieve stress.

 

Any questions?

 

Yeah, I can take you home now...."

 

 

Oh, and being a single man and taking care of small kids by yourself is like the ultimate chick magnet.

Women just LOVE that sh!t....

[milod]

Okay... From an old guy.

 

1. Almost everybody I know who has been divorced, seems to have a "horror story," especially if they had kids. I was verrrrry lucky. My first was a really nice girl but we just were wrong for each other and both recognized it. In fact, I think we recognized it before we were married but the plans were made and yada yada yada. Alternatively, if we had talked with each other as friends before seeing first the preacher, secondly the lawyer (yup, just one), who knows? We might be together today. As I said, I've always thought she was a very nice and bright lady. Again, luckily no kids.

 

2. Yes, lawyer - but many divorce lawyers are cynical but honest and others are cynical and dishonest. Problem is, once you get lawyers involved, you can almost guarantee divorce even if both of you independently determined you don't want to have that happen. You tend to have to have all communication determined and transmitted/translated by a lawyer. If both go to a lawyer, and you're still civil with a decision to part permanently, make certain it's your collective attorney, not hers you go to or his she goes to. Long story on that, too. Have goals of an agreement in advance together, including who pays for the divorce, child support and/or alimony, etc.

 

3. Different states have different laws on divorce, child support, alimony, joint custody, etc. When there are kids, it's always difficult. Some states do definitely favor the mother, others seem definitely to favor the father. Some states will make moving for a better job or job transfer (even if you're fired 'cuz you can't go) impossible without losing contact with the kids.

 

4. If there is a house or other major purchase with both names on them, made certain that your donkey is covered. One friend's wife got the house in the divorce, ran it down badly, then let the bank take it back. He got stuck for years and years of mortgage payments even though he didn't own it any more because he signed the original loan and there was nothing in the divorce settlement that covered this particular contingency with FHA.

 

(In today's housing and job market, "no fault" by either of you could bring a similar problem.)

 

5. You might should check with an attorney before messing with sale of your personal property. State laws differ.

 

6. Some male divorce attorneys I've known over the years actually made divorce and paying for it easy for the ladies by offering to accept fees all or in part by taking it in ... uhhhhh ... trade. I know of one who was disbarred for that, but I also know of at least three or four other lady friends who had that offer made to them and even after saying "no," actually stayed with that lawyer who then was paid for by the ex husband. Argh.

 

7. No matter what, try to stay civil and yeah, don't date right away. Before there's a divorce finalized, don't even go to lunch with a female co-worker or customer or whatever. If you can, try to keep decent relationship with her folks if you've had one in the past. They're the kids grandparents - and boy, can "ex's" parents get into stuff and toss monkey wrenches too.

 

Finally... best of luck. It's tough regardless. OTOH, a very close friend went through a horrid one, lost everything and more, but he's close to his grownup kids and has a lot better retirement (that's another thing to consider in any settlement) and wherewithall than I do, and he's a cop a few years younger than I am.

 

m

[doublecutjr]

Sorry for the hardship......cover your a++, no one else will. The good news is that there may be someone just around the corner waiting for you, a dream girl, even though you say you are not interested in dating, I must add that casually seeing someone may open up a new door for you. Many single women with children are looking for someone nice to be with, someone who knows the ropes of marriage. Even if it's a walk in the park with a nice gal, it will build your confidence. Nonsense to the idea that you won't get married again, there's love every where and chemistry is just that, when you have it, you'll know. it's good to get out and not dwell on the what if's............ I am married now for only 4.5 years at age 51, my first marriage..... it's hard I agree and I waited until I was 47.......... I now wish I had married the former gal I was involved with before I met my wife, she was a plain Jane type, but we had terrific chemistry and a lot of fun. She was not motivated though to work, and sucked off me financially so I ended it. I know have a wife that's financially secure on her own without me, gorgeous and trustworthy........ do i love her NO.......... she's boring and ther's no chemistry at all. My point here is, once you find someone and have that magic chemistry, there's nothing like it, well except my LP Deluxe......... hang in there and also remember to focus on your health first...... that's a priority, exercise, eat well and stay away from negative people. Take the kids when ever you get your chance and have fun with them and leave the rest to God.................. God Bless.............

[rocketman]

Very sorry to hear this. I guess I'm one the lucky ones (been with my wife for 15 years and still in love). As many have pointed out you are only 28 years old. Kids always come first, the rest of life is just details...

[NeoConMan]

Yep.

The kids are supposed to leave you at some point...

 

I'll avoid getting on a soapbox here, making the social commentary that is screaming to be heard, but....

 

A couple generations into easy divorce, it ain't no big thing any more.

Not until you've gone throught it anyway.

 

Then, the people who have gone through it and are burdened by the guilt will cover their own pain.

They'll actually encourage others to do it as well, and justify it as righteous....

 

 

Wasn't much divorce in this country 100 years ago - when it took a man & wife to actually survive.

[Notes_Norton]

I didn't have time to read all the responses, but I do have time to add my story.

 

I got divorced when I was 30. I was concerned about the settlement and my future love (sex) life. I started going bald at 24.

 

Well the settlement was about as fair as a guy can get, she got 2/3 of everything of value.

 

I started my new life without much at all, but about a year and a half later, I met the woman who turned out to be the love of my life and am still happy as can be.

 

If the marriage isn't any good, I recommend a divorce. Then get on with your life.

 

Once it's over and the dust settles, you will realize it isn't as bad as you think it will be right now.

 

Live deals big punches, you simply have to roll with them and move on.

 

Insights and incites by Notes

[Hector Arcadius]

Very sorry to hear that man.

 

Just my side of the story:

If you haven't seen a marriage councelor already, see one before making final decisions and before splitting ''as a test period''. What he/ she will be able to do is to spot the mistakes on each side, ask you if you are willing to give another shot (if the answer is ''no'', nobody can do anything - it's simply over) and provide you with some simple guidelines on how to proceed. I was there and all negative about the whole process, and I got to admit that it saved my marriage.

 

And since there are kids involved, they way I see it, a marriage should be broken only if the alternative is even worst.

 

If you know that this is final, try to speak to your wife, in order to agree the course of things to follow. Anything that you don't agree between you and her, the lawyers will try to ''sort out''. On their benefit of course.

 

Finally, both of you should try to protect your kids. You will have to make them understand that this is not their fault and that they do not loose any parent. To make them know that you will ALWAYS be there for them, no matter what. And mean it.

 

 

As for the final question, ''life after death'' thing, of course man! You are far too young to know how your life will evolve from now on. And never say never. Just make sure that you stay healthy and financially independent, as much as possible.

 

 

To put it bluntly (and I do have friends at the same cross-road as you are right now), in the divorces nowadays I almost never worry about the couple. They do find their way. It's their kids' future that puzzles me.

 

 

Good luck man. And lots of carriage as well. You will need that...