Murph Posted November 26, 2023 Share Posted November 26, 2023 Two elves are winding down in the North Pole bar after a long day of making toys. After downing some shots of peppermint schnapps, the first elf says to the second, “That COVID outbreak in China has really messed up the toy production schedule. I don’t think Santa has ever pushed us so hard!”. The second one added, “Yeah, things were so bad today that Rudolph and Blitzen were even called in to work on the assembly line.” The first one got an odd look on his face and said, “Well, that explains why those Raisinets I found on the floor tasted so strange.” 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissouriPicker Posted November 29, 2023 Share Posted November 29, 2023 Taylor Swift attended a practice session for The Kansas City Chiefs. She started as a tight end and ended-up as a wide receiver. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murph Posted November 30, 2023 Share Posted November 30, 2023 If anyone has no family or friends and will be alone on Christmas please let me know........ I really need to borrow some chairs from you. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gearbasher Posted December 3, 2023 Share Posted December 3, 2023 A guy takes his wife and mother-in-law to the Holy Land. His mother-in-law dies while she’s there. The undertaker gives 2 options: "Ship your mother-in-law back to your country for $10,000.00 or bury her here in the Holy Land for $500" The guy emphatically says, “Ship her back!” The undertaker asks, “Why spend all that money?” The guy responds, “A little over 2,000 years ago a Guy died here and rose after 3 days. I’M NOT TAKING ANY CHANCES!!!” 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murph Posted December 8, 2023 Share Posted December 8, 2023 A man walks into a bar with a Labrador. He makes his way to the bar and orders a drink. “I’m sorry, but we don’t allow dogs in here,” says the bartender. “That’s my seeing-eye dog,” the man replies. The bartender’s face instantly drops, knowing he made himself out to be a complete jerk. “Oh God. I’m sorry. Here — your first two are on me.” He hands the man two bottles of beer. “Thank you, I appreciate that.” The man and his dog make their way to a table near the front door and he grabs a seat. A little while later, another man enters the bar with a chihuahua. The first man stops him: “The bartender is going to give you crap about your dog. Tell him it’s your seeing-eye dog and he’ll feel so bad that he’ll buy your first few rounds!” “Thanks!” replies the second man. He wanders up to the bar and orders a beer. “I’m sorry, sir. We don’t allow dogs in here.” “It’s my seeing-eye dog.” The barender’s face wrinkles into confusion. He says, “Ehhh, I don’t think so. They don’t make seeing-eye dogs out of chihuahuas.” “ARE YOU FRIGGIN KIDDING ME! They gave me a chihuahua?!” 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murph Posted December 9, 2023 Share Posted December 9, 2023 In court, the trucking company's fancy hot shot lawyer, was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer. Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessie, into the..." "I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question, ...please. Did you, or did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?" Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer behind the tractor and I was driving down the road...." The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question." By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie". Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my John Deer Tractor right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, "How are you feeling?" "Now tell me, what the heck would you say?" 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sparquelito Posted December 10, 2023 Share Posted December 10, 2023 What did the Dalmatian say after dinner? That hit the spot. 😬 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murph Posted December 10, 2023 Share Posted December 10, 2023 A woman is sitting at her recently deceased husband’s celebration of life. A man leans in to her and asks, “Do you mind if I say a word?”. “No, go right ahead”, the woman replies. The man stands, clears his throat, says “Plethora”, and sits back down. “Thanks”, the woman says, “that means a lot”. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissouriPicker Posted December 12, 2023 Share Posted December 12, 2023 I am not a misogynist! I am 100% for women breastfeeding in public. My only problem is that they never wink back. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissouriPicker Posted December 13, 2023 Share Posted December 13, 2023 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murph Posted December 17, 2023 Share Posted December 17, 2023 What do you call a Christmas wreath made out of $100 bills? Aretha Franklins! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murph Posted December 17, 2023 Share Posted December 17, 2023 What does a man who's had a vasectomy and a Christmas tree have in common? Decorative balls! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murph Posted December 17, 2023 Share Posted December 17, 2023 I yelled "COW!" at a woman on an ebike.....she flipped me off and then ran straight into the cow..... God knows......I tried! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murph Posted December 18, 2023 Share Posted December 18, 2023 I went into a restaurant that said they'd serve breakfast any time. So, I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.... 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murph Posted December 19, 2023 Share Posted December 19, 2023 There was a big scandal at my school the other day, two students were suspended and a teacher was fired for drinking on the job. Homeschool is crazy! 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
merciful-evans Posted December 20, 2023 Share Posted December 20, 2023 Wife: How was your 1st day at the bank honey? Hubby: I was fired this morning. Wife: Fired? What for? Hubby: I pushed a little old lady customer over. Wife: I dont believe this. Why did you push her? Hubby: She asked me to check her balance. 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murph Posted December 23, 2023 Share Posted December 23, 2023 A guy is sitting home alone, when suddenly he hears a knock on the door. He gets up to answer. There are two policemen outside. They ask him if he's married. He says yes and the policemen want to see the photo of the wife. He gets one and shows it to them. The policemen exchange sad looks and one of them says: "I'm very sorry, but it looks like your wife was hit by a truck." "Yeah I guess, but she's got a great sense of humor and cooks a heck of a breakfast." 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rabs Posted December 23, 2023 Share Posted December 23, 2023 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murph Posted December 24, 2023 Share Posted December 24, 2023 A man walks into a post office one day and sees a balding, middle-aged man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. Curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, “I’m sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?'” “But why?” asks the man. “I’m a divorce lawyer.” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murph Posted December 24, 2023 Share Posted December 24, 2023 A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds. He entered a patient’s room to find him sitting on the floor, sawing at a piece of wood with the side of his hand. Meanwhile, another patient was in the room, hanging from the ceiling by his feet. The doctor asked his patient what he was doing, sitting on the floor. The patient replied in an irritated fashion: “Can’t you see I’m sawing this piece of wood in half?” The doctor inquired: “And what is the fellow hanging from the ceiling doing?” “Oh. He’s my friend, but he’s a little crazy. He thinks he’s a light bulb.” The doctor asks: “If he’s your friend, don’t you think you should get him down from there before he hurts himself?” “What? And work in the dark?” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murph Posted December 24, 2023 Share Posted December 24, 2023 In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news: “There’s no easy way to say this, so I’ll just be blunt – prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will be murdered this year.” Visibly shaken, the woman stared at the mystic’s lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller’s gaze, steadied her voice, and asked: “Will I be acquitted?” 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gearbasher Posted December 25, 2023 Share Posted December 25, 2023 (edited) What happens when you stick your hand up a Gypsy's skirt? Your palm gets red, once a month. Edited December 25, 2023 by gearbasher 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gearbasher Posted December 25, 2023 Share Posted December 25, 2023 Michael Jackson was once offered a contract to play Major League Baseball. He turned it down. He wanted to stay in the minors. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sheepdog1969 Posted December 28, 2023 Share Posted December 28, 2023 Two guys walk into a bar. The third guy ducked. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sheepdog1969 Posted December 28, 2023 Share Posted December 28, 2023 What do you call a man with no arms and legs on your doorstep? Matt What do you call the same guy in the water? Bob What do you call him when he's tied behind a speedboat? Skip What do you call a dog with no legs? Nothing. He isn't coming no matter what you call him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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