MissouriPicker Posted September 17, 2022 Share Posted September 17, 2022 Why was the banjo covered in cement up to its neck? Not enough cement. 2 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gearbasher Posted September 18, 2022 Share Posted September 18, 2022 What was the last thing the instructor told his students during Suicide Bomber training? I'm only going to show you this once. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gearbasher Posted September 18, 2022 Share Posted September 18, 2022 What do women and dog crap have in common? The older they get, the easier they are to pick up. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Whitefang Posted September 21, 2022 Share Posted September 21, 2022 Before marriage: "No, I won't. I'm saving myself for when I'm married." After marriage: "Not tonight. I have a headache." Whitefang 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gearbasher Posted September 21, 2022 Share Posted September 21, 2022 (edited) What's the difference between broccoli and a chick pea? You wouldn't pay $100 to have broccoli on your face. Edited September 21, 2022 by gearbasher 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gearbasher Posted September 22, 2022 Share Posted September 22, 2022 It's an old-timer's first day at a retirement home. His son drops him off and tells him that he'll come back later to see how he's doing. After settling in, the old man is sitting on a bench in the rec. room. He starts to lean to his right and a nurse runs over and straightens him out. He starts leaning right again and another nurse rushes over and straightens him out. Then he starts to lean to his left. A nurse runs over and props him straight, once more. This goes on all day. Right, left, right, left. left, right and so on. His son comes back and asks the old man: "Well, how do you like the place?" The old man replies: "It's very nice. But, they don't let you fart here." 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissouriPicker Posted September 22, 2022 Share Posted September 22, 2022 On 9/21/2022 at 11:28 AM, gearbasher said: What's the difference between broccoli and a chick pea? You wouldn't pay $100 to have broccoli on your face. LOLOLOL……Got to remember this one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gearbasher Posted September 23, 2022 Share Posted September 23, 2022 Did you hear about the Avian STDs that are going around? Chirppies It's a Canaryal Disease 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ksdaddy Posted September 23, 2022 Share Posted September 23, 2022 2 hours ago, gearbasher said: Did you hear about the Avian STDs that are going around? Chirppies It's a Canaryal Disease It's untweetable. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Whitefang Posted September 24, 2022 Share Posted September 24, 2022 18 hours ago, gearbasher said: Did you hear about the Avian STDs that are going around? Chirppies It's a Canaryal Disease And it's frightening what it can do to your woodpecker! Whitefang 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gearbasher Posted September 24, 2022 Share Posted September 24, 2022 42 minutes ago, Whitefang said: And it's frightening what it can do to your woodpecker! Whitefang I think only Pinocchio has to worry about that. Oh, and maybe, Howdy Doody. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gearbasher Posted September 24, 2022 Share Posted September 24, 2022 Cinderella is about to leave for the ball. She has her gown, glass slippers and the carriage. She asks her fairy godmother: "Can I have a diaphragm?" He fairy godmother says: "OK, but if you're not back by midnight, it's going to turn into a pumpkin." Cinderella goes off to the ball. Her fairy godmother is waiting for her to return. It strikes midnight, 1AM, 2AM and no Cinderella. Finally at 3AM, Cinderella comes rushing back. Her hair is a mess, her make-up is smeared and her dress is in tatters. Her fairy godmother angrily yells: "I told you to be home by midnight. Cinderella responds: "I was on my way and then I met Peter Peter." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sheepdog1969 Posted September 25, 2022 Share Posted September 25, 2022 A spokesperson for the Polish government recently held a press conference and stated that they had decided to provide military assistance to the Ukrainians in their fight against Russian forces. After audible gasps from the room full of reporters, he continued his statement, indicating that they had just purchased 1,500 septic tanks, and as soon as they learn how to drive them, they would be joining the fight. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sheepdog1969 Posted September 25, 2022 Share Posted September 25, 2022 On 8/4/2022 at 2:29 PM, jdgm said: How do you know you're being chased by Vegan zombies? "Grains!!!! GRRAAAIINS!" sigh Did you hear about the dyslexic zombie? He only wanted to eat Brians. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sheepdog1969 Posted September 25, 2022 Share Posted September 25, 2022 Bob: Have you seen Stevie Wonder's new house? Tom: No Bob: Neither has he. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
merciful-evans Posted September 25, 2022 Share Posted September 25, 2022 The pub is 5 minutes from my house, but my house is 20 minutes from the pub. The difference is staggering. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cassy0110 Posted September 26, 2022 Share Posted September 26, 2022 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sparquelito Posted October 1, 2022 Share Posted October 1, 2022 I wrote this one, so sue me. I keep waking up at night, combining infectious grooves with street-wise verse. My doctor diagnosed me with Sleep Rapnia. I'm gonna shut up now. 😔 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gearbasher Posted October 1, 2022 Share Posted October 1, 2022 (edited) A pirate walks into a bar with the ship's steering wheel attached to the crotch of his pants. The bartender says: "Hey pirate you have a steering wheel coming out of your pants." The pirate says: "Arrr! I Know. It's driving me nuts." What do you call a Spanish woman with no legs? Consuelo Why do women have legs? So they don't leave snail trails when they walk. Edited October 2, 2022 by gearbasher Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissouriPicker Posted October 4, 2022 Share Posted October 4, 2022 Three blonde girls were walking in the woods and came upon tracks. The first one said, "Look, it's deer tracks." The second one said, "No, it's wolf tracks" and before the third one could answer, they got hit by a train. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gearbasher Posted October 8, 2022 Share Posted October 8, 2022 What could be worse than finding a hole in your condom? Finding a condom in your hole. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Whitefang Posted October 9, 2022 Share Posted October 9, 2022 How about his oldie? A man sits down at the bar and demands, "Bartender! Gimme 12 martinis!" The bartender mixes one and puts it down on the bar saying, "Here's number one." The man gets angry and bellows, "I didn't say one at a time, I want 12 lined up in front of me." So the bartender, while mixing them asked, "So, what's up with these 12 drinks?" And the man answers, "I'm celebrating my first BJ!" Well, the bartender says, "Congratulations! Lemme add a 13th one. On the house!" And the man then says, "Don't bother. If 12 don't kill the taste, then f---k it!" Hope the dust wasn't too thick for ya..... Whitefang 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gearbasher Posted October 11, 2022 Share Posted October 11, 2022 (edited) Q: What foods can a pregnant woman eat that will guarantee she has ugly children? A: Ask your mother. Edited October 11, 2022 by gearbasher 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gearbasher Posted October 14, 2022 Share Posted October 14, 2022 (edited) My wife wanted to get breast enhancement surgery. I told her: "Why pay for the surgery? All you have to do is, once a day, take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts." She asked: "That will make my breasts larger?" I said: "Sure, look what it's done to your a$$." Edited October 14, 2022 by gearbasher 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sparquelito Posted October 15, 2022 Share Posted October 15, 2022 What did the fish say when he swam into a wall? Dam.😞 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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