Rabs Posted June 23, 2023 Share Posted June 23, 2023 1 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murph Posted June 24, 2023 Share Posted June 24, 2023 I told my wife that our neighbour crashed his car yesterday and was seriously injured...... She said "Who, Ray?" and I said "I don't think you should cheer" 2 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gdecantoo Posted June 30, 2023 Share Posted June 30, 2023 I told my wife that I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for next Wednesday! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
merciful-evans Posted June 30, 2023 Share Posted June 30, 2023 'sex is better on holiday' is not a nice postcard to receive 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Whitefang Posted June 30, 2023 Share Posted June 30, 2023 Especially from your wife. Whitefang 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gearbasher Posted June 30, 2023 Share Posted June 30, 2023 A woman and her husband planned a vacation to Jamaica. At the last moment the man couldn't go due to work. So, his wife went without him. After a couple of days she hooked up with a local guy named Snow. When her husband called, a few days later, he asked how the weather was down there. The woman replied: "I've been getting 9 inches of Snow every night." 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
merciful-evans Posted July 1, 2023 Share Posted July 1, 2023 Police are asking motorists too watch out for 16 hardened criminals after a prison van collided with a cement mixer Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gearbasher Posted July 2, 2023 Share Posted July 2, 2023 (edited) Why is Russell Crowe always smiling? Because, he was glad he ate her (Gladiator). Edited July 2, 2023 by gearbasher Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sparquelito Posted July 4, 2023 Share Posted July 4, 2023 My wife is dragging me to a reggae / ska music festival later today. I'm dredding it.😣 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CROWB8 Posted July 5, 2023 Share Posted July 5, 2023 Neighbors complained about seeing a ghost in my house. I've been here 200 years and haven't seen a thing. (Imgur) 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
merciful-evans Posted July 5, 2023 Share Posted July 5, 2023 customer: I want to buy a watch assistant: Analogue? Customer: no, just a watch Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CROWB8 Posted July 5, 2023 Share Posted July 5, 2023 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sparquelito Posted July 23, 2023 Share Posted July 23, 2023 Mr. Finklestein lives in a home for the aged. Every day he takes a walk around the pond, sits on a bench and feeds the ducks. After a few months, a new resident moves in, Mrs. Schwartz, who he sees sitting on the bench. Apparently she likes walking too. They decide to walk together every day. He meets her out front, they walk, sit on the bench, feed the ducks. This goes on for a few months. One day Mr. Finklestein turns to Mrs. Schwartz and says, “You know, it’s been so long since I’ve had any female contact. Would you mind just putting your hand in my pants and holding my schmeckel? You don’t have to do anything, just hold it.” Mrs. Schwartz agrees and they continue this for several months. One say Mrs. Schwartz comes down for her walk. No Mr. Finklestein. So she goes walking alone and in the distance she sees Mr. Finkelstein sitting on their bench, only now he’s with her friend, Mrs. Goldberg, with her hand in his pants. She’s livid. When Mrs. Schwartz gets close to them she yells, "Mr. Finkelstein! How could you do this to me? What has Mrs. Goldberg got that I ain’t got?” He answers, “Parkinsons!” 😗 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sheepdog1969 Posted July 23, 2023 Share Posted July 23, 2023 Last night a few friends and I were hanging out and, at one point, one of them asked how we would want to die. I thought about it for a minute and said, "I want to die in my sleep like my uncle. But defiantly not like my aunt, who died screaming at him from the passenger seat as they drove off a cliff." 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murph Posted September 1, 2023 Share Posted September 1, 2023 A man was standing quite uncomfortably in the corner of his local pharmacy. After spotting him, another customer approached the pharmacist and asked what was wrong with the man. “He came in this morning,” the pharmacist responded. “He was looking for something for his cough but I couldn’t find the cough medicine. So I gave him a whole bottle of laxatives. The customer looked confused, “What do you mean? Laxatives won’t work for that?” “Oh yeah? Look at him, he’s too afraid to cough!” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murph Posted September 1, 2023 Share Posted September 1, 2023 How much time is there between slipping on a banana peeling and hitting the ground? One bananosecond. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murph Posted September 1, 2023 Share Posted September 1, 2023 My wife says I have two faults: Not listening...and something else. 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gearbasher Posted September 1, 2023 Share Posted September 1, 2023 (edited) I told my girlfriend that I bought flavored condoms. When she went down on me, she said: "Mmm, sour cream and onions." So, I told her: "Hey, give me a chance to put one on!" Edited September 1, 2023 by gearbasher 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sheepdog1969 Posted September 2, 2023 Share Posted September 2, 2023 I was telling a friend that I had just got off my ladder after cleaning out my gutters, and that I hate doing that chore. He said that he could never do that because he is scared of heights. I replied, "Personally, I'm scared of widths." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
merciful-evans Posted September 2, 2023 Share Posted September 2, 2023 A couple are enjoying a meal at a nice restaurant. The wife drops some ketchup on her white blouse. "oh no... I look like a pig!" He says 'I still love you. By the way, you spilled ketchup on your top.' 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
merciful-evans Posted September 2, 2023 Share Posted September 2, 2023 I have to admire women soccer players. They really are exceptional. Most women refuse to wear the same outfit. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murph Posted September 6, 2023 Share Posted September 6, 2023 Some racehorses are staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record saying, “In the last 15 races, I’ve won eight of them!” Another horse breaks in, “Well in the last 27 races, I’ve won 19!” “Oh that’s good, but in the last 36 races, I’ve won 28!” says another. At this point, the horses notice a greyhound, who has been sitting there listening. “I don’t mean to boast,” says the greyhound, “but in my last 90 races, I’ve won 88 of them!” The horses are clearly amazed. “Wow!” says one, after a hushed silence. “A talking dog!” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murph Posted September 6, 2023 Share Posted September 6, 2023 Whas the difference between a civil engineer and a mechanical engineer? Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murph Posted September 6, 2023 Share Posted September 6, 2023 Where to bad rainbows go? Prism. 2 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sparquelito Posted September 7, 2023 Share Posted September 7, 2023 An engineer, a statistician, and a physicist are out hunting. They spot a buck, and each take turn to try and bag it. The physicist goes first. He pulls out his lab book and quickly calculates the trajectory of the bullet, assuming it is a perfect sphere in a vacuum. The bullet falls 20m short of the deer. The engineer goes second. He pulls out his engineering pad and book of projectile assumptions. After a few minutes he’s ready. He takes aim and he fires. The bullet lands 20m passed the deer. The statistician triumphantly leaps in the air shouting, “We got it!”😃 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.