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When it rains...

Shnate McDuanus

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It freaking pours.


This is one of the hardest things to deal with in my life--and Duane, if this isn't an appropriate subject for discussion, I won't mind if you lock the thread down. I'm just searching for guidance wherever I can find it.


None of you know me personally, but most of you know me as an internet personality--as it stands, I think you can get a pretty fair appraisal of me through my posts and the sentiments within them. I'm going to share something personal, just in the hope that something might show up that could help me out. You guys are smart people, and most of you seem to have considerable experience in life, so here goes...


I've been driving myself crazy over this girl at my school for the past few months. We don't know each other well--I'm willing to admit that physical attraction is a big part of this at the moment. However, the times when we do manage to talk, which are few and far between, we seem to relate to each other fairly well. I've never had a girlfriend or dated any girls--I've always been too shy and insecure to make any attempts. This one just seems right, though. I might be deluding myself, but if I don't pursue it I'll never know for sure.


So, here it is. I had a window of opportunity fairly recently, where we were working together on a project for a class. I could have pursued her then and there, but I felt like it would've been tactless to attempt. Instead, I was merely courteous and respectful as I always am--willing to answer questions, give advice, and make attempts to help politely, and yet looking down at my feet as much as I could, to avoid making eye contact (or worse yet, to be caught "eyeing her up" :- .) Now that window of opportunity is closed, and I don't think something like that will necessarily present itself again.


That means that, if I want this, it's up to me.


I guess you all probably already have recognized that I'm a little insecure. I'm slightly overweight, I'm shorter than most other guys, I tend to be a little thoughtless at times, and I've stayed pretty low-profile throughout high school, so there's clearly not a lot going for me. I suppose I've been called above-average as far as intellect is concerned, but I wouldn't think that's worth very much in this kind of situation.


Is it a lost cause? Have any of you been here before? I was thinking about just coming out and being straightforward and completely overt with her at some point--elucidating my feelings unequivocally, and then just hoping for the best. I know that rejection is probably just the worst thing that can happen to me--but rejection is something that I fear, and something that hurts me plenty.


Sorry to bring something like this up. I hope I'm not just whining and wasting everyone's time.


Best regards all,


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Courteous and respectful never lost any points with anyone. And, judging only from your posts here, it is obvious you're not lacking in lucidity or eloquence. If I could give you something from the pov of a 61 year old man who has nothing to prove it would be to counsel you to be yourself and not worry about rejection. Make the situation about presenting yourself as the person you're most comfortable being; you. If you are comfortable with yourself, others are quite likely comfortable around you.


This is one of those things that'll make you grin when you're my age. No reason you can't just enjoy it right now, no matter how it shakes out. It's just Life, Bubba. Take big bites! :-

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Wow, I can't remember that far back. I've been with the wife for over 15 years now. I was a major geek (now I'm professional geek...he he he), but I got the high school cheerleader. To this day I don't know how I really did it. Just be yourself. In the end they find out who you are anyways...

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Girl perspective time (half shallow/half not)


1. Being overconfident is as bad as being insecure. You're shy so you got that covered.

2. Categorize her. I never wore makeup and I wore plain Ts never tried to look hot, more concerned about reading lots and working out. If she's the type that has a ton of makeup on and wears REALLY nice clothes (call me shallow but this is generally true) she's wanting her male equal; hot trendy boy. If she's not wearing anything super trendy and isn't surrounded by a flock of hot chicks you may proceed to consider her attainable.

3. Assuming she's not a stuck up popular girl (they can be sweet as pie when they're needing assistance), think back and ask yourself if she ever came up to you and said hi at school? Does she go out of her way to say hi and chat?

4. Do you have her #? If so, recall any conversation about anything you have in common and ask her to it. I once had a friend who wasn't what I thought of as hot, but he was hella smart and we got into REALLY good conversations, I mean hit it off style. We had coffee every day but he got stuck in friend zone cus he didn't make a move fast enough. This leads to not-hot guy number 2. He was NOT my type but I LOVED talking to him. We were best friends for 2-3 months and then BOOM he said VERY confidently but not arrogantly, "we would make a great couple." I was like "**** NO!" He debated with me about it for a few minutes then told me to think it over. Didn't mention it for the rest of the week, before I knew it I kissed him. I went for him, I couldn't help it, he put the thought in my head and there it was. He played killer guitar, btw. That was a big bonus.


In summation, gage the girl and be realistic (shallow but I'm honest). Remember that brains and confidence are sexy. PAY ATTENTION!!! If she says Tim Burton is cool, take her to Alice in Wonderland. Not-hot #2 would research ALL my likes, he had my needs met at every curve. If she doesn't respond to your advances its not always over, specially if you linger, so long as you DID advance.

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Listen to Izzy, she knows what she's talking about.


I've past a lot of chances up because of being shy, some I regret down the road. Confidence is a good thing but not over confident. Try to engage her a little more in conversation.


I almost past a chance up in the past couple of years. This woman I was eying up for a while was , in my books too good for me, both physically and mentally. I was like " oh my ,na she won't go for me, I'm not her type" . I thought it over and decided to go for it anyways. Well to make a long story short, I've been with her now for over 2 years and I haven't regretted it.


Always remember this, you have 2 ears and one mouth. Try to use them both [biggrin]

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I was always up-front & bold, but also honest and never arrogant.

While this girl may seem like "the 1" right now, just remember that there are literally hundreds more that are ready & willing to be "the 1" if this one says no.

Never act like a young lady is the only girl in your school, social group, etc.

Let her know that you're interested in her, then back off a bit, and let her think on it..........if she doesn't respond, then try the next.


Oh, BTW, "putting on the Fonzie" is definitely a bad move...........girls don't go for people ACTING cool, just BE cool(casual) and see what happens.

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Can't believe I'm even replying to this but anyways,...

Look forget whatever you've been told. Stop being a wuss. Sorry, but fer chrissakes man,LIVE FOR TODAY! Big freaking deal if she doesn't like you.Chances are she knows of you.Right?Well there's your foot in the door.So,if you've got a foot in,open it up wider(hehe). CONFIDENCE is what it's all about. You're a bloke,so act like one.

ALWAYS remember,if you luck out - there's always tomorrow and plenty more chickies out there waiting for ya. Keep that in the back of your head and you won't go wrong.

BUT,true - manners & respect will get you everywhere.

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I know exactly how you feel man, we are quite a bit alike.


I have had some of the same issues, in my sophomore year, there was a girl I really liked, we got along well, had a lot of similar interests, after about the entire year of talking and getting to know her, I asked her out and she said yes. She never talked to me for the rest of the school year even though she said yes, I asked her about it and she just walked away. I have never had a resolution to that, and as stupid as it will sound, judge me as you please, my confidence level has always been affected by memories of that.


Since then I have had futile attempts at making things work, trying to get things work and it never works out. NEVER!


My advice would be to:


Assess the situation, make sure you want to ask her out because she is a cool person, not because you want to be in a relationship.


Get her phone number, since you guys had a project be ask for her digits in case you 'need any help' if you catch my drift or whatever else you feel is necessary and from there, build a foundation of talking to her.


From one somewhat overweight person to another, don't lose your confidence. I have done that and have missed many chances I have actually had girls, who are now in relationships, go up to me and say that they really liked me, but they didn't know if I liked them back because I was shy and lost confidence.


I rely on my wit, and the goodness of my heart to impress because, for me, that works around girls, and flirt whenever I can, because what's the worst that can happen? Court ordered restraining orders?


One more thing, it's a high school relationship, if it doesn't work out, it just doesn't. It's not that big of a thing. 99% of the time, you guys will end up going your separate ways and never see each other again, so don't worry about it.


Oh and be [laugh] buddy, good luck man

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What was the subject of that project you worked on with the young lady? If it had anything to do with the "arts" NYC is a great place for "casual- get to know you better" situations. Museums (Hayden Planetarium has music/light shows), plays, concerts are virtually everywhere. Even Broadway plays (My wife used to go to Broadway plays regularly. She went to the TKS-day of show discount tickets-outlet on Times Square, although at this time of year the place gets real busy) might be interesting. Queens College and Queensboro Community used to do plays and concerts (saw John Mayall at Queens College about 150 years ago around Christmas time. Compared to other venues tickets were cheap. I grew up in Astoria, Queens so that's my reference).

Got a "mutual spy" friend to ask what she likes?

Otherwise, just..

"Take a shot", and remember to get your hands up if she takes a swing at you!

Good luck...

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Rejection does hurt, but it hurts a lot less if you can look down the road four to ten years and realize that being rejected by this particular girl is in no way going to define your life. What you learn from this - win or lose - about yourself and relating goes into your mental "backpack" as wisdom that will make you a better man for the rest of your life.


Go for it. =)

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If you don't act on this, you'll regret it. Take the advice of the others that posted in this thread, and go for it. Show confidence and ask her out. One thing you need to know is that it's just high school. If you get rejected, it's not the end of the world. You've got nothing to lose, but everything to gain.


Good luck.

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Not too long ago a guest speaker at my school made a good point. First some background, he was diagnosed with cancer and gien 3 months to live, beat that. Diagnosed with a more severe form of cancer given 2 weeks to live, beat that but lost a lung. Then he climbed the highest peaks on evey continent including Antarctica (yep everest the whole 9 yards) on one lung.


He made a point of saying, when he was in college his friends would worry about asking a girl out, and he'd ask them "Are you dieing?".


go for it. This is such a small part of your life.


Also I know what you mean, I'm a shy kid too. You seem like a nice guy and the intelligent girls care more about that than physical stature. It's hard for most guys, even the ones like me who're 6 ft tall and look down on everyone. There's just something imposing about girls. Or maybe us guys need to grow a pair.

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So, here it is. I had a window of opportunity fairly recently, where we were working together on a project for a class. I could have pursued her then and there, but I felt like it would've been tactless to attempt. Instead, I was merely courteous and respectful as I always am--willing to answer questions, give advice, and make attempts to help politely, and yet looking down at my feet as much as I could, to avoid making eye contact (or worse yet, to be caught "eyeing her up" .) Now that window of opportunity is closed, and I don't think something like that will necessarily present itself again. END QUOTE





Heres your chance ...just tell her how much fun you had working with her and ask her to a movie or something. Me and a friend of mine (when we were waaayy younger) would ask any girl out (even the ugly ones) just to build up a resistance to rejection...so if she says no the movie(unlikely she will) from now on ask mutiple of women out to build up you're courage.


Bottom line is dont make a huge thing of asking her out ...JUST DO IT!




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