Murph Posted January 27 Share Posted January 27 I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me. Boss: "What companies are those?" Me: "The electricity company and the water company." 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murph Posted January 27 Share Posted January 27 A guy limped into a Dairy Queen and ordered a banana split. The attendant began to make it for him and said "Crushed nuts?" And the guy said, No, I just have a bad knee." 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murph Posted January 27 Share Posted January 27 A genie grants three wishes to an old lady. She says, "I want to be young again." poooof She's young again. "I want my little house to be turned into a beautiful mansion." poooof She's now living in a beautiful mansion. "I want my cat to be turned into a handsome young man!" poooof Her cat is now a handsome young man. "Oh cat, all my fantasies have come true! Take me in your arms, take me upstairs and make mad, passionate love to me!" The cat says, "Oh darlin', you should've thought about that a long time ago, before you had me fixed." 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rabs Posted January 27 Share Posted January 27 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissouriPicker Posted January 28 Share Posted January 28 On 12/29/2023 at 6:16 PM, gearbasher said: What's the worst thing about having sex with your grandmother? Banging your head on the coffin lid. Sick, but funny! I can laugh at most anything, including myself. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murph Posted January 29 Share Posted January 29 Moishe is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. "That's it," he tells his wife Miriam. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad that once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went." Miriam sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea with a piece of cake. As they sit down, she says, "Why don't you take my brother Herman with you and give it one more try." "That's no good," sighs Moishe. "Your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help." "He may be a hundred and three," says Miriam, "but his eyesight is perfect." So the next day, Moishe heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law Herman. He tees up, takes an almighty swing, and squints down the fairway. He turns to Herman. "Did you see the ball?" "Of course I did!" replies Herman. "I have perfect eyesight." "Where did it go?" asks Moishe. "I don't remember." 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murph Posted February 5 Share Posted February 5 How much do you get paid? The homeowner got into his grubbiest clothes one Saturday morning and set about all the chores he’d been putting off for weeks. He’d cleaned out the garage, pruned the hedges, and was halfway through mowing the lawn when an attractive woman pulls up and yells out her window, “Say, what do you get for yard work?” The homeowner thought for a moment, then answered, “The lady who lives here lets me sleep with her.” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murph Posted February 5 Share Posted February 5 A fighter pilot and a cargo pilot are flying around, talking crap to each other on the radio. The fighter pilot goes on about how much cooler he is than the cargo pilot and says, "Watch this, brah!" hits the afterburner, does a barrel roll and then a loop... "Top that!" he shouts to the cargo pilot. "Ok, well watch this." says the cargo pilot. The plane just goes straight for a while. "How'd you like that?" asks the cargo pilot. The fighter pilot is confused and asks, "What did you do?" The cargo pilot replies, "I went to the head and took a leak, then I went to the galley and got myself some more coffee." 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Retired Posted February 5 Share Posted February 5 Did you her the rumor going around about the butter? Never mind, I shouldn't spread it. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Retired Posted February 5 Share Posted February 5 The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidendently passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sheepdog1969 Posted February 6 Share Posted February 6 Why should you never trust atoms? Because they make up everything! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saturn Posted February 15 Share Posted February 15 I called the tinnitus hotline. But it just kept ringing. 2 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gearbasher Posted February 15 Share Posted February 15 (edited) If a mime jumps off a building and he hits the ground does it make a sound? Edited February 15 by gearbasher 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karloff Posted February 15 Share Posted February 15 how do you circumcise a whale ? four skin divers ... 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ksdaddy Posted February 16 Share Posted February 16 Why does an elephant have four feet? Because he'd look silly with six inches. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murph Posted February 16 Share Posted February 16 This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious that she thought her cat could understand her. I came home.....told my dog and we both had a good laugh! 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gearbasher Posted February 17 Share Posted February 17 (edited) I met a guy who's been married to the same woman for 49 years. I asked him what his secret was for having such a long marriage. He said: "The secret is going on trips. For our 25th anniversary we went to China. For our 50th anniversary, I'm going back to pick her up." Edited February 17 by gearbasher 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sparquelito Posted February 18 Share Posted February 18 I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know. 🫠 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murph Posted February 18 Share Posted February 18 The egg will be broken. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murph Posted February 19 Share Posted February 19 A farmer had 5 female pigs but times were hard and he needed a solution. A farmer had 5 female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another farmer who owned 5 male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50. The farmers lived 60 miles apart, so they decided to drive 30 miles each morning and find a field in which to let the pigs mate. The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 a.m., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon (the only vehicle he had) and drove the 30 miles. While the pigs were in the field mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?" The other farmer replied, "If they're lying in the grass tomorrow morning, they'll be pregnant. If they're lying in the mud, they're not." The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again. This continued each morning for more than a week and the farmers were worn out. The next morning, one was too tired to even get out of bed. So he called out to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass." "Neither," yelled his wife, "They're in the station wagon. And one of them is honking the horn." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissouriPicker Posted February 20 Share Posted February 20 I called the Incontinent Hotline. They asked if I could hold. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissouriPicker Posted February 21 Share Posted February 21 It’s really embarrassing when my dog sniffs someone’s crotch, because he’s a chihuahua and I have to lift him up. 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Retired Posted February 22 Share Posted February 22 On 2/16/2024 at 7:24 AM, Murph said: This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious that she thought her cat could understand her. I came home.....told my dog and we both had a good laugh! I always talk to my dogs. Iv'e had lots of people ask me, "What did he say?" I make up something and that think he really talks to me. Lol. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Retired Posted February 22 Share Posted February 22 A farmer heard some noise way back by his large pond. So he grabbed a bucket and went back to investigate. Once there, he saw 4 nice looking ladies swimming in his pond naked. The gals said, We are not getting out with you standing there. "OH, he said, I didn't come back here to make you get out, I came back here to feed the Alligators. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissouriPicker Posted February 24 Share Posted February 24 I’m old enough to remember when “stick it up your ***” was an insult and not a pickup line. 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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