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Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He's not breathing so his friend calls 911. "My friend is dead! What should I do?"

The operator replies, "Calm down sir, first make sure that he's really dead." There's a silence, then a loud bang. Back on the phone, the guy says, "Ok, now what?"

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A distinguished, elderly clergyman flies into Amsterdam for an ecumenical conference.

Taxi drops him at his hotel and he goes to check in.  The receptionist confirms his reservation and room:

"Yes sir, you are on the 3rd floor, balcony, king-size bed, ensuite bath and toilet, phone, wireless internet, TV with all the channels -"

"What?" Says the clergyman. "Television?  I do hope the porn channel is disabled?"

The receptionist looks at him in disgust and says -

"No you pervert, it's a perfectly ordinary porn channel."

Edited by jdgm
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What do you call a guy who never farts in public? 

A private tutor. 

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1 hour ago, ghost_of_fl said:

I can't believe it's riot season already.  I still have my COVID decorations up. 

There is a reason we dump on you. You just don't get it.

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If you are ever cold,  just stand in a corner for a bit. 

They're usually around 90 degrees. 

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1 hour ago, Sgt. Pepper said:

There is a reason we dump on you. You just don't get it.

 

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

~George Carlin

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An Indian guru went to the dentist for the 1st time in many years, and had 4 fillings, 3 extractions and a root canal, all without anaesthetic.

 

 

He could transcend dental medication.........

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Why can't bicycles stand up on their own?  

They are two tired. 

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4 beautiful young women came across a deserted pond. They decided to go skinny dipping. The owner of the land was out working in the field and heard laughter. He grabbed his bucket and went to see the commotion. Upon arriving, one lady yells, "We aren't getting out till you leave!"  The farmer yell's, "Oh I didn't come to make you girls get out, I came to feed the alligators!"

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Ok, Heres one.    No Light, No Work. 

A blonde and a brunette worked in a factory. The brunette says, "I know how to get some time off from work!"   "How?"  Asks the blonde.  "watch this," says the brunette.  She climbs up to the rafter and hangs upside down.  The boss walks in, sees her and says,  "What on earth are you doing?"  "I'm a lightbulb,"  she answers.  "I think you need some time off,"   says the boss so she jumps down and walks out.  The blonde starts walking out, too.  "where are You going?"  says the boss.  The blonde yells,   "I CAN'T WORK IN THE  DARK.!" 

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Whenever I go on a car journey now,  before I leave the house I get some salt and put it on my left shoulder, then sprinkle some pepper on my right shoulder.

 

 

I'm a seasoned traveller.

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My oldest boy once asked me if I ever smelled moth balls.

I said, "Hell yeah, they smell terrible!"

The little prick then asked, "How did you get their little legs apart?"

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Q: What is the difference between a guitar player and a savings bond?

A: Eventually, the savings bond will mature and start to earn money.

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