jaxson50 Posted June 13, 2020 Share Posted June 13, 2020 What do you get if you stand between two llamas? Llamanated. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jaxson50 Posted June 13, 2020 Share Posted June 13, 2020 What’s the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know but the flag is a big plus... Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar “Get out of here!” shouts the bartender. “We don’t serve your type.” 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr. Natural Posted June 16, 2020 Share Posted June 16, 2020 A baby harp seal walks into a bar.] The bartender says, "What can I get you?" The baby harp seal says, "Anything but a Canadian Club." 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sgt. Pepper Posted June 17, 2020 Share Posted June 17, 2020 On 6/13/2020 at 12:08 AM, jaxson50 said: What’s the best thing about Switzerland? It's not France. 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
merciful-evans Posted June 17, 2020 Share Posted June 17, 2020 7 hours ago, Sgt. Pepper said: It's not France. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sgt. Pepper Posted June 17, 2020 Share Posted June 17, 2020 1 hour ago, merciful-evans said: Frank always busted on France. On the Them Or Us album he has a song called In France. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brucebubs Posted June 18, 2020 Share Posted June 18, 2020 Why do Maypole dancers wear bells on their feet? So they can annoy blind people too. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jaxson50 Posted June 18, 2020 Share Posted June 18, 2020 A lawyer dies and goes to heaven (I know, hard to believe) , he sees St. Peter and asks, "where am I?" , "Heaven" St. Peter replies, the lawyer says, " but this isn't fair, I'm a young man in the prime of life," St. Peter looks at his book and flips a page, runs his finger down a line and says " ah, here, it says your 84, and that's the all the years you were allotted, " The man says, "but I'm only 48!" St. Peter looks again at the page and says, "We were going by your billing hours," 2 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rabs Posted June 18, 2020 Share Posted June 18, 2020 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jaxson50 Posted June 19, 2020 Share Posted June 19, 2020 Pastor Bob dies and goes to heaven, on his first day God invites him to have dinner with him, Bob waits at the dinner table, looking down through the clouds he sees the people in hell, they are drinking wine, roasting a hog, dancing,. God walks up and hands him a tuna sandwich. The next day, God finds Bob and asks if he'd like to have lunch, he offers Bob another tuna sandwich, Bob looks down and sees everyonein hell having a big feast! Ribs, corn, wine, Bob asks, " God, why do we only have tuna every day when those in hell are having big feast?" God says, " Why cook for just the two of us?" 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Retired Posted June 23, 2020 Share Posted June 23, 2020 I'm going to stand outside, so that if anyone asks, I am outstanding. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jaxson50 Posted June 23, 2020 Share Posted June 23, 2020 I've been taking Viagra for my sunburn. It doesn't cure it but it keeps the sheets off my legs at night. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StRanger7032 Posted June 23, 2020 Share Posted June 23, 2020 What's brown and sounds like a bell? DUNG! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zigzag Posted June 24, 2020 Share Posted June 24, 2020 (edited) I was having hearing issues, so I went to a specialist for hearing aids. He told me I could get a set for $500 that would improve my hearing, but better yet was a set for $1000. They'd significantly improve my hearing but for $5000, I could get a set that would allow me to hear EVERYTHING. I said, man I need that $5000 set, but because they're so expensive, how about I just get one for my right ear? He was okay with that, and I paid him $2500 and left. Later, I was playing poker with my buds, and I was telling them about my new hearing aid... how it was just great and how I could hear everything. One buddy asked me how much did it cost, and I told him how much, but I could now hear EVERYTHING. He said, "Great, what kind is it?" And I said, "Oh, about 8:30." BTW, this describes perfectly my life with my wife and my expensive hearing aids. Edited June 24, 2020 by zigzag 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Retired Posted June 24, 2020 Share Posted June 24, 2020 How do you make an artichoke? You strangle it. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mihcmac Posted June 25, 2020 Share Posted June 25, 2020 What did the bone player say to the guitarist on his way to a gig? Did you want fries with that? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr. Natural Posted June 25, 2020 Share Posted June 25, 2020 My girlfriend accused me of having zero empathy. I just don't understand how she can feel that way. 2 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nifnof70 Posted June 25, 2020 Share Posted June 25, 2020 What do you call a fake noodle? An "Impasta" 2 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brad1 Posted June 25, 2020 Share Posted June 25, 2020 What do you call a cow with no legs? ground beef 2 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jaxson50 Posted June 25, 2020 Share Posted June 25, 2020 Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jdgm Posted June 25, 2020 Share Posted June 25, 2020 (edited) A distinguished, elderly clergyman flies into Amsterdam for an ecumenical conference. Taxi drops him at his hotel and he goes to check in. The receptionist confirms his reservation and room: "Yes sir, you are on the 3rd floor, balcony, king-size bed, ensuite bath and toilet, phone, wireless internet, TV with all the channels -" "What?" Says the clergyman. "Television? I do hope the porn channel is disabled?" The receptionist looks at him in disgust and says - "No you pervert, it's a perfectly ordinary porn channel." Edited June 25, 2020 by jdgm 2 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Retired Posted June 25, 2020 Share Posted June 25, 2020 What do you call a guy who never farts in public? A private tutor. 3 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sgt. Pepper Posted June 26, 2020 Share Posted June 26, 2020 1 hour ago, ghost_of_fl said: I can't believe it's riot season already. I still have my COVID decorations up. There is a reason we dump on you. You just don't get it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Retired Posted June 26, 2020 Share Posted June 26, 2020 If you are ever cold, just stand in a corner for a bit. They're usually around 90 degrees. 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jdgm Posted June 26, 2020 Share Posted June 26, 2020 An Indian guru went to the dentist for the 1st time in many years, and had 4 fillings, 3 extractions and a root canal, all without anaesthetic. He could transcend dental medication......... 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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